Episode 21 – Cold Dinner, Anyone?

‘s Up, Bees?!

You’ve probably heard someone jokingly say that Moms, more often than not, end up eating cold plates of dinner.

People say it because there’s lots of evidence of how that’s true.

Historically speaking – and maybe even today – Moms tend to set the table, dish the food, gather the family, swap the laundry, soak the pans, add to the grocery list and pour the dog’s kibble all before sitting down to eat their own plate of food.

Which, you guessed it – is often cold by the time she gets to it.

What… is that… about?

I’m not necessarily saying it’s a BAD trend. There are definitely lots of reasons for the trend to be true – some of which even make sense.

All I’m saying is that it’s a trend worth examining.

Moms eat cold dinner because they like to see their families cared for.

We get a sense of satisfaction and security when everyone we love is getting everything they need.

Helps us breathe a little easier when that’s the case.

Unfortunately, it’s never the case for very long – which… I’m sure you’ve noticed.

So… is it REALLY worth it to keep eating cold dinners if that’s what you’re doing?

Why?

Or why not?

I have NO idea which answer is best for you and your life.

I’m totally open to the idea that sometimes cold dinner will be worth it and other times it won’t.

The only reason I’m bringing this up at all Is because I want you to really make a conscious choice on the matter.

Why?

Because the more conscious you are about EVERY choice you make, the more likely you are to have a life and marriage you LOVE to live in.

Getting that for you is what we do all day, every day in the Defying Gravity Revolution.

And helping you catch glimpses of what’s possible for you in your marriage is what we do here every Sunday.

So if you’ve been eating cold dinner or something similar – being the last in the family to go to bed or the first to take the less than ideal TV watching spot, YOU know what your “cold dinner” is – make sure you’re doing it on purpose. For reasons you like.

If you don’t know what your reasons are – find out.

It’s easy to do.

Just ask yourself “Why am I doing this?”

And be sure you’re asking from a place of full curiosity without a shred of judgement. If the answer doesn’t come right away, no worries.

Just give your brain some quiet and some space to provide you an answer.

If the answer is still seeming a little elusive, go ahead and ask a follow up question like – “What do I think would happen if I didn’t do this?”

Then… give your brain some more quiet and some more room to hypothesize and fill you in.

Write about your wonderings and your answers in your journal if that helps.

Maybe ponder while you’re on the treadmill.

Or talk it out with your sister or your bestie over tea.

I am certain that your reason will become clear to you when you assume your reason is valid and you give it some space to speak.

Once you’ve got the answer about what your reason is, you then get to decide if you like that reason or not.

PRO TIP: Deciding WILL be easier if you don’t require yourself to change anything right away.

Cuz that feels like pressure.

All you’re doing at this stage in the game is simply telling yourself the truth about what you are doing and why.

Just so you can get to know yourself a little better.

Because you’re someone worth getting to know. And when you know yourself better and you’re nurturing a relationship with yourself that’s filled with fascination and love, everything – and I do mean EVERYTHING – gets easier.

Here’s how I know.

Right out of college, I worked as a direct care counselor in residential treatment with teenage girls who weren’t thriving at home.

Their parents sent them to Utah, hoping that these “difficult” girls would develop better social skills, more effective coping methods and generally become more pleasant contributors in their families.

I loved that job. Loved those girls.

Even when they were refusing to do their chores, complaining about roommates or threatening to run away.

They were MY girls and I loved them.

None of their mistakes or shortcomings made me love them any less.

I couldn’t NOT love them. I just did.

My most important job function was joining. Basically, that meant I was supposed to get to know these girls, find out what sparked their interests, what they worried about and what made them laugh.

I was supposed to let each girl talk about herself and then join her in activities SHE enjoyed and discussions SHE led.

The therapists on staff emphasized joining because they knew that unless these girls felt safe, accepted and cared for, behavior and attitude changes weren’t likely.

Change is scary for everyone and these girls, who were far away from home, would only give change a shot if they experienced a secure base to stand on as they reached to stretch themselves.

They needed to know that someone would be there to catch them should they fall.

That someone was meant to be me and my colleagues.

We had our girls’ backs as they figured out the challenge of being a human.

Which is a REAL challenge at times, right?

One of my mentors, Brooke Castillo, advises that pursuing a big goal or making a big change will – for SURE – bring up all the ugly.

She maintains it’s that way for everyone.

She also says that whether you’re working to improve yourself or working to hide from yourself your energy will be used up either way and EITHER road will be paved with discomfort – the discomfort that comes from stretching and growing OR the discomfort that comes from never achieving your dreams.

Brooke’s matter-of-fact challenge usually inspires me to invest my energy in improving myself rather than just spending energy to maintain the status quo – especially when the status quo doesn’t match what I want my marriage to be.

Often I get after that work like a BOSS – and sometimes… I really don’t.

I’d bet it’s like that for you too.

Sometimes you’re killing it and other times you think you might actually be dying.

I’m on your side no matter which end of that spectrum you’re leaning toward today and I invite you to stay on your side no matter which end of that spectrum you’re leaning toward too.

Because, again, marriage challenges are always easier to unravel when you’re on your own team.

Trouble is, staying on your own team doesn’t always come naturally. Especially when you’re offered so many invitations to abandon yourself.

People all around you are probably saying things like:

· I know you don’t really think that.
· Why are you always so sensitive?
· It’s not that big of a deal
· He didn’t mean it like that
· Get your act together already
· Welcome to being a grown up

You’ve probably heard those messages so often that you’ve fallen in the habit of repeating them to yourself. Which may or may not feel great. Probably not most of the time.

So what’re you supposed to do?

How can you possibly reconcile all of those comments with giving yourself the time and space to really be known? To have your feelings honored and your desires heard?

I’ve got a little hack for you.

Learned it from two authors and their two VERY different books. Dr. Diane Poole Heller’s non-fiction, research based book “The Power of Attachment” and Colleen Hoover’s novel “It Ends with Us”.

Quick disclaimer – “It Ends with Us” depicts domestic violence situations in a possibly triggering way. The story includes graphic details and adult language, so know that going in if you decide to pick it up.

In the “Power of Attachment”, Dr. Heller teaches the concept of identifying with what she calls a competent protector – a concept we also touched on in episode 14. The quick version is – you think of someone or something that you feel safe with and completely loved by.

You can choose a real person or someone from a movie. Could be a pet you loved. A spirit animal. God. Someone from a book you once read or song that really struck you. Doesn’t matter who it is or where you met them or if you’ve never actually met them at all. You just zone in on someone or something that you identify as pure love and safety. Pure adoration and protectiveness – for you.

As you approach your days and your challenges, you keep your competent protector’s perspective of you in mind.

How would they talk to you about your most recent failure? Your most recent success?

What would they want you to have and experience?

How would they advocate for your needs and your best interest? What might they say to someone who is mistreating you?

Connecting with the reaction of someone who loves, adores and wants to protect you will help you fully experience what it feels like to be loved, adored and protected. Connecting with that experience will also help you give that love, adoration and protection to yourself.

Which – of course you deserve.

In her novel “It Ends with Us”, Colleen Hoover depicts another way to connect with your competent protector. The protagonist in the story, Lily, writes frequent letters to Ellen DeGeneres – even though she and Ellen have never met.

Lily greatly admires Ellen and also believes that Ellen wants her to be happy and feel loved. So Lily writes to Ellen without censoring herself. She shares her worries and triumphs expecting to be warmly received. And even though her letters aren’t received at all – at least not in a factual way – Lily enjoys the experience of a consistent confidante who’s always pulling for her.

I’ve started writing letters to Zeek Braverman from Parenthood and let me tell you – it’s working.

You deserve love and protection in your life. And warm dinners if you want them.

So surround yourself with people who believe you deserve all of that and more. Maybe it’s God, or Ellen or Zeek Braverman or the dog you had as a kid or the person who coached your high school swim team.

Whoever it is for you, invite that resource into your daily life and let them set an example for supporting you in getting (and enjoying) the exact life you want to have. Because you deserve it.

Choose courage, Bee and keep on flying!