Episode 22 – Shaving with Shampoo

‘s Up, Bees?!

Did you know that I was once a brand new, super green client and not a coach at all?

I know. Weird but true.

So I really do get it if you’re at the stage where you’re grappling with these concepts. Or if what I’m saying here is just kinda rattling around in your head and not quite gelling the way you want it to just yet.

And today I’ve invited a special guest to the podcast – it’s Candice from 2017. Yup. Blast from the past – me, as a brand new client, talking to you, as an investigator of thought work.

A little over 5 years ago – In the summer of 2017 – I was invited to give a speech at my first coach, Jody Moore’s, very first VIP event for the seasoned members of her Be Bold program.

You were supposed to have been a member for six months to be eligible to go to the event.

I was a week or so shy of the 6 month mark, but even back then I didn’t care about what humans thought were “rules” so I decided to go anyway AND I applied to speak.

Such an honor. And so fun.

I saved a copy of my speech and I’m gonna read it to you – right now. No edits.

This is my full speech – exactly as I gave it back then.

You ready?

Hi. I’m Candice. And my thoughts don’t always serve me.

Sometimes I layer on the thought that choosing thoughts that don’t serve me makes me weak and stupid.

Of course it does.

Strong and smart women don’t spend time thinking things that block them from creating their ideal life.

Something must be wrong with me.

I tell myself that I’m old enough to know better. I, especially, should already know how to manage my mind well because of my advanced education and the professional counseling roles I’ve held over the years.

Clearly, I don’t measure up.

Something has definitely gone wrong.

We’ve all heard Jody reassure Be Bold members that awareness of your thinking is creating your results is the BEST. NEWS. EVER.

It wasn’t for me.

Not at first anyway.

In the beginning, all I felt was a continuous shame shower which left me dead set against admitting that I didn’t already know what I didn’t know.

Instead, I listened to coaching calls or courses pretty much around the clock and patted myself on the back when I was able to anticipate the coach’s responses to the clients they coached.

I stuck with the strategy of scribbling notes and smiling and nodding along.

Then, when I wasn’t able to easily apply what I was learning to every situation I was living, my confidence plummeted.

I spent a lot of time wondering what the heck had happened.

I understood the concepts. Why couldn’t I live them?

Clearly, I didn’t measure up.

Something had definitely gone wrong.

I believed myself about that and then I didn’t do the work.

My current job affords me the opportunity to be “mom” to roughly 100 elementary education undergrads scattered across the nation and one in Japan.

Every week, I call each one of them to see how their studies are progressing, to provide resources and to help them set goals.

Many of my students are hesitant to connect with the course instructors at the university. They think they are bugging the instructors. They believe they should already know the material for the class they’ve enrolled in OR be able to figure it out all on their own.

I spend a good chunk of my day challenging that thinking.

Of course they don’t already know this stuff – that’s why they enrolled in college.

Most of my conversations with students include encouragement to embrace the process of being in school. The writing. The meeting with instructors. The time spent with their butt in a chair while they fill out study guide and engage in study modules.

I do my best to normalize that students aren’t supposed to know everything. I remind them that asking questions keeps food on the course instructors’ tables. It’s job security, not an irritation.

Many students heave a relieved sigh at that thought.

Others still hesitate to engage in the learning process because they make it mean that they are less than somehow.

That’s where I was as a Be Bold student.

My inability to implement perfect and universal application of the coaching tools and concepts meant I was less.

I was ashamed of myself at first and to be honest – for a while.

Shame pushed me away from continued application.

I didn’t like the pain associated with trying and failing – so I didn’t.

Then I got mad.

I told myself that Jody didn’t understand my world and her ideas lacked compassion.

I stopped listening to her content for a while, but I couldn’t turn off the self-reflection process I’d learned.

Anger became tiresome and within a week or so, relaxed into curiosity.

I asked myself, what would be so bad about embracing the discomfort of this work?

I’d definitely do it for my kids, for my parents, my husband. Probably even for my neighbors and friends.

I’d do discomfort for them.

I AM doing discomfort every day as I pick up scattered toys and wipe whiskers out of the sink.

Why wouldn’t I do this discomfort for me?

I really wasn’t sure at first, but I kept redirecting my mind to openness and exploration.

Then, undercooked chicken and a poorly stained front door snapped it all into startling clarity.

Neither of those mishaps happened to me, but they changed my brain nonetheless.

I stopped cold in my home office and zoned in on Jody as she coached a woman who was upset that her husband had said that the chicken dinner she’d made for their guests was undercooked.

I felt myself unraveling right alongside this woman I didn’t know. Her thoughts were mine and Jody called it all ridiculous.

Huh?

Jody reflected how this woman believed that the undercooked chicken meant something about her worth.

Of course it did – the woman and I both agreed that a “good wife” would have done better with the dinner.

Jody pushed back and said that the undercooked chicken had NOTHING to do with this woman’s value.

I was intrigued but skeptical.

Jody pointed out that this woman was upset because she viewed her husband’s comment as pushing her down the “worthiness continuum”.

She then went on to say that there’s NO. SUCH. THING. She encouraged that woman to drop that story altogether.

What?

I sat frozen while the next woman came on to say that HER husband had made critical comments about the way she’d stained the front door.

She too believed that her failure to sand the door first meant something about her worth.

Again, Jody tossed that idea right out.

She invited the woman to try on the belief that her method was just as good as her husband’s.

Either would get the door looking beautiful and she could choose to give her own strategy the most weight if she wanted to.

Jody offered that this lady could also choose to believe that her husband was genuinely trying to be helpful.

At this point, I realized I was giving the computer side-eye.

How could ANY of that be true?

My brain spun out thinking I could actually believe something that sounded so sublime.

Deep in my core, it felt right to believe that my value wasn’t negotiable. It was comforting to consider that my way MIGHT be the right way and that anyone who had a different strategy might only be offering up help, not criticism.

Even so, the hesitation to push forward with this work remained – WHY?

Here’s what I came up with.

I wasn’t in the habit of listening to ME.

I started to notice myself deferring to others in LOTS of little ways.

Hubs rotates through seven different colognes, while I save money by shaving my legs with shampoo instead of splurging on shaving cream.

I’m always letting my kids swipe my water bottle or steal my spot in bed.

My neighbor needs a last minute sitter during a time I’d planned for work and I say, “Sure!”

To be fair, I sometimes like showing up that way.

To be honest, I don’t always.

I realized I was often doing things I didn’t want to do because I believed that other people’s needs mattered more than mine.

I wasn’t giving myself a turn in the “get your needs met” game.

I also hadn’t filled out any Be Bold worksheets. I wasn’t doing thought downloads or models as often or as deliberately as Jody suggested.

I’m guessing I was afraid of what I’d find inside my brain – because, on some level, I knew that I’d only be mean to myself if my thoughts weren’t up to par.

My failure to listen to me indicates that I believed I wasn’t really that important. My lackluster effort at the worksheets seemed to say that my brain didn’t matter all that much at all.

So of course I wasn’t motivated to try something difficult.

I mean – I was mean to myself already. Can you imagine what I might say should I try and fail?

The undercooked chicken call of 2017 provided the catalyst for my renewed journey toward self-love.

As Jody might say, I’d found my work to do: practicing believing that I’m worth the effort it would take to struggle through the river of misery and see what’s on the other side.

And not just because I’ll be a better wife and mother in the end. But because I’m a person who deserves the joy of growing to be my best self.

And because I know a Be Bold Mama’s work is never done, I’m prepared for when my brain wants to use this work as another way to highlight how I’m not good enough or my progress isn’t fast enough.

When that happens, I will purposely listen to me. I will actively engage in thought work processes like I’m constantly begging my students to do with their text books.

I’m learning that believing I’m less than in any way isn’t useful. At all.

It’s strange to consider that my value doesn’t change if I take a nap or don’t volunteer with the PTA, but I like where that mind is headed.

I will re-up with the thought downloads, practice curiosity with myself and run a model as often as a I can.

It’s still scary and I can often find a reason that I “don’t have time”, but I’m practicing believing that taking the time to manage my brain will give me everything I want to achieve.

Finally, I can accept that this is a lifelong practice.

I don’t have to be done today and thank goodness – because I won’t be.

I will get really good at sitting with the discomfort my brain offers me – I want to and I will.

Because I know that comfort with discomfort is the ticket to the universe and having access to all the universe lays available whenever I want it – sounds amazing.

Back to Candice circa 2023 – if YOU want to join me on my constantly renewing journey toward self-love, stick around. Keep listening. We’ve got a virtual event coming your way in March and an in person experience in Utah happening in April. Can’t wait.

And – if you’re worrying that listening to you will mean some separation from him… ?

Here’s what’s true.

That will probably happen.

At least a little bit.

Here’s what’s also true – a little space between you and him might not be the worst thing in the world.

Because listening to yourself on a deep, curious, fascinated and loving level will only make it that much easier to connect with him again.

Knowing who you are and what you need will make it even simpler for him to see you – because you’ll no longer be pretending. Or hiding.

You’ll actually be in your marriage more fully – which can only be a gift to the BOTH of you because you’re a catch. And he’s lucky to have you.

Choose courage, Bee and keep on flying!