Episode 25 – Bees in the Wild – Round 2

‘s Up, Bees?!

It’s that time again! I’m here bringing you another installment of Bees in the Wild.

I know that you’re curious about what marriage coaching actually sounds like in real life.

I’m not surprised if you’re wanting more examples of how this type of work might actually go.

Best news is – some of the Bees in the Defying Gravity Revolution have graciously offered to let you listen in on actual coaching conversations we’ve had.

These are REAL conversations. No script. No editing. Just REAL women working together to find REAL possibility where only pain existed before.

Enjoy!

Candice: Hey Kacie.

Kacie: Hi.

Candice: How you doing today?

Kacie: Good. How are you?

Candice: I’m awesome. What can we do for you?

Kacie: Thanks for coaching me today. I think the biggest issue at the top of my mind about my marriage is communication with my husband. We just seem to have so much trouble communicating.

Candice: What does that mean?

Kacie: Like? It seems like he… what I’m saying or what I’m trying to say? It seems like he’s hearing something completely different.

Candice: Okay.

Kacie: at least that’s my perception of it.

Candice: Yeah, sure. Do you have an example you want to share?

Kacie: Let’s see. Like, I think the most recent one that, you know, kind of ended up in an argument was we came home from Thanksgiving weekend, and the heater was still on. And I think I said something like, like, “Oh, no! Did we leave the heater on, you know, all weekend? Gosh, you know, what a bummer like, the electricity bill is going to be nuts” or something like that? I think I said. And his response was something like, like, “I’ll make sure, you know, not to do that next time or I’ll make sure to not let that happen again”, or something like that, you know.

Candice: Okay.

Kacie: And then I was like, “No, I’m not. I’m not trying to say that you did this, and it’s your fault.” you know, it was just…

Candice: What if he thinks thinks that’s what you’re saying? Why is that bad?

Kacie: Um, I don’t know. Because I’m not. I mean, I don’t… I’m not… like I don’t…

Candice: But if he thinks that, what’s the problem? Like if he misunderstands?

Kacie: Yeah.

Candice: Then what? Why is that hard for you?

Kacie: I don’t know. I think… I feel bad. I don’t want him to think that I’m, like, nagging him or blaming him. I mean, we’re both…

Candice: But what did he say exactly though.

Kacie: He said… It was that. It was like… because it happened… To me, it happens a lot and his his response is like, “I’ll make sure not to do that again”, you know…

Candice: So did he do it with that facial expression like, “Oh, fine. It’s me again…”like, is that what you’re saying? The body language communicated that?

Kacie: Yeah, that was my perception. And partly because…

Candice: Cuz it sounds like what he said… I don’t know him at all, so I have no idea about his mannerisms or anything like that, so you’ll have to help me, but it sounds like what he said is like, “Oh, I’ll make sure I don’t do that next time.”

Kacie: Yeah.

Candice: And then the meaning that you assigned to it either, because you saw some cues in his body language or something was that like you were nagging him?

Kacie: Yeah, yeah.

Candice: Which maybe, but maybe that’s not what he said or what he was thinking. What do you think he was… like, was going on for him when he said, “Oh, I’ll make sure I don’t do
that again?

Kacie: That… see… I think that what I thought, or what I feel, or am worried about is that he is thinking that I’m nagging him.

Candice: Okay. He might be. And if he’s thinking that you’re nagging him, then what?

Kacie: Then I… I don’t want him to think that.

Candice: Because why?

Kacie: Because I don’t want… I… I feel like i’ve made an effort a conscious effort to not nag like to not nag him because…

Candice: And if he doesn’t see it, then what?

Kacie: Then. Then…. Then, if he doesn’t see it and he thinks I’m nagging him even when I’m trying not to, then I don’t know… then I feel like he doesn’t know me like, I guess. No. Yeah, I’m like, you know.

Candice: Let’s dump this into a model just for fun.

Kacie: Okay.

Candice: So circumstance is: husband says “I’ll make sure to not do it next time.” Directly observable behavior that we could all hear him say if we’d been in the room with you. Is that close?

Kacie: Yeah, for sure.

Candice: So husband says “I will make sure to not do it next time.” And one of the thoughts you had about him saying” I’ll make sure to not do it next time”, is he’s not recognizing my effort to not nag him.

Kacie: Yes, I think yes, that. That’s Yes. That sounds very true.

Candice: Okay, so you think he’s not recognizing my effort, which maybe he is, maybe he isn’t… We have no idea. He’s not here. We can’t confirm or deny. But if we believe that he’s not recognizing your conscious effort, how does that feel to you?

Kacie: I mean, I feel I think that feels frustrating. I feel frustrated.

Candice: Yeah. And when you’re frustrated, because you’re thinking he’s not recognizing my conscious effort to NOT nag him… when you feel frustrated in that moment, then it sounds like what you did, at least one of the things, was that you tried to, like, correct that.

Kacie: Yeah, I think 100%. I like… I started like talking more, I start saying, “Hey, that’s not what I’m doing.” I probably, you know, somehow starting like a fight or an argument myself.

Candice: Which I mean, I don’t know if you’re starting a fight or not. We’re just like, we just want to comment really neutrally on what happened. When you think “he’s not recognizing my conscious effort to not nag” and then you felt frustrated, which makes sense. If our efforts aren’t being… if it’s true that our efforts aren’t being recognized, then most people would feel frustrated. Nothing wrong with you. And then from frustration, what happened is you tried to correct him, which of course you would, because you want him to recognize your effort. You kind of explained it away. It sounds like you might have been closed off to the idea that maybe he didn’t think you’re nagging. Right. It’s possible. Maybe he really did leave the heater on and he was like, “Oh, dang it. I should turn it off.” Good reminder, Kacie. Like, that’s possible.

Kacie: True. That’s very true.

Candice: Yeah. So we were closed down to another explanation, just because you’re frustrated, and defenses go up when you’re frustrated?

Kacie: Right, right.

Candice: Anything else that you were doing or not doing in that moment?

Kacie: I think I wasn’t listening. I certainly was not listening to what he was saying. Because, you know, I think I’d already decided that this was, you know, a replay of you know…

Candice: Which of course you would when you’re feeling. Again, there’s nothing wrong with you. We’re just observing what happened. That’s it. But let’s look at it again. So husband says, “I will make sure to not do it again.” You thought, “He’s not recognizing my conscious effort to not nag him.” Which of course, you’d get frustrated if you believe that. Right. So then you tried to correct him, you tried to explain it away: “I’m not doing anything, babe. That’s not what I’m doing.” You were closed down to any alternate explanations, and you didn’t listen to him. And you kind of had like your mind made up that you were gonna go into this pattern again.

Kacie: Right. Yeah.

Candice: So when we look at all those things that you were doing, who is not recognizing your effort to not nag?

Kacie: Me! Oh… man… yeah, that’s me.

Candice: Tell me why we’re saying, “Oh man”.

Kacie: Ah, because I think… I don’t know. It’s insane that my brain is telling me that it’s all him. I mean…

Candice: It’s not insane. Of course your brain thinks that, right? And the truth is, it would be easier if he had just said something else. Right?

Kacie: True.

Candice: That would have been easier. So I really want to drive home for you that there’s nothing wrong with your brain.

Kacie: Okay.

Candice: Your brain was worried that “Oh my gosh, he might think I’m a nag and I really don’t want that. Like your brain is just worried. That’s it. Your brain thinks it’s dangerous if he thinks you’re a nag.

Kacie: Right.

Candice: So it’s just trying to protect you. Thanks, brain. And maybe it’s not as dangerous as you think if he sometimes thinks you’re a naggy person.

Kacie: True. So True.

Candice: Especially if you’re like, listen, I know that I’m not nagging you. I think it’s kind of weird that you interpreted it that way. It’s kind of a bummer for you, husband, if you interpret it that way. I love you and I was just commenting. Sorry that you think that. I don’t want you to use my comment for that reason. I really wish you wouldn’t. But if you are, I understand. You can be annoyed if you want. But I’m not going to be annoyed with myself. Because I know where I’m coming from.

Kacie: That… yeah, that feels way better.

Candice: Cuz you told me you’re making a conscious effort. Right?

Kacie: Yeah, I really have.

Candice: What if you went first to acknowledge that? You’re like, I don’t know why he interpreted that way. Maybe because I have had a habit in the past and I’m working on it and I am doing better, actually. So he’s probably just not caught up with me yet. I’m changing the pattern, and he’s still in the old one. It’s okay. It’s a little bit of a learning curve for him to realize that I don’t nag anymore.

Kacie: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you’re right. Like, it doesn’t have to be that he needs to acknowledge all of my efforts or like not respond the way that he’s going to respond in order for me to recognize that I’m making this conscious effort to not be a nag anymore.

Candice: Yeah and support yourself in it: I know I wasn’t nagging. It’s kind of a bummer that he misinterpreted it. But I know I wasn’t.

Kacie: Right.

Candice: So I don’t need to prove it different because he’s just taking some time to relearn the pattern with me. That’s okay.

Kacie: Yeah, yeah, that’s true. Like, let him be, I gotta just let it be let him be and like, you know…

Candice: Except there is a little bit of a caveat, right? We want to let him be and we want to let you be, right? So we’re like, Okay, first thing is: like, maybe it’s okay. If he misunderstands me, that’s the first thing for our brain to consider. And then second thing is, maybe it’s okay if I want him to come with me faster than he is.

Kacie: True.

Candice: It’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with my brain. I don’t have to tell myself. Why didn’t I get this yet? Or any of that? It’s just, oh, I don’t want him to think I’m a nag. Okay, got it. But I can recognize my effort. And it’s okay if I still wish he wouldn’t think that.

Kacie: Right.

Candice: Because it would be easier if he didn’t, right. And we don’t know if he does or doesn’t. But if we believed that he didn’t think you were a nag, then your life would be easier.

Kacie: True.

Candice: So it makes sense that you still want that.

Kacie: Yeah.

Candice: And while it’s not happening, you can support yourself in being like, Was I being a nag? I really wasn’t. I was just commenting. So he got that wrong. And I still love him. And I still love me.

Kacie: Yeah, that’s very true. I like that. Yeah. Yeah. Like, and I still love him and still love me. And he got that wrong. But I know that I was making a conscious effort and let it be. Yeah.
Candice: Yeah. And it’s easier to let it be when we do that second thing too – let ourselves be. There’s nothing wrong with me that I want that. It’s not like I’m not enlightened or not doing thought work correctly. I’m just a human who would prefer that my husband has a kind of opinion of me. Of course I do.

Kacie: Yeah.

Candice: And if he doesn’t in this moment, I can have a kind opinion of me and keep doing what I wanted to do, which was not nag. And he’ll, he’ll come around.

Kacie: I like that. Yeah, he’ll come around. Like, yeah, that’s a good point. Because, yeah, it’s like breaking old patterns, it’s gonna take time, and he’s him. He’s not me.

Candice: And he doesn’t know that you’ve changed your mind about the pattern. Right? And he needs some time to experience the new pattern before he comes along with you. And you can wait for him without being mean to either of you.

Kacie: True, very true. That’s true.

Candice: Anything else you want to say there?

Kacie: I mean, no, I think that I think that’s gonna help a lot. The next time that, you know, it’s like, no, we have one of these miscommunications.

Candice: I love you acknowledge there’s going to be a next time because there probably will.

Kacie: Yeah.

Candice: We want to expect oh, we’re gonna have a mismatch in communication at times and what I want to do is like, check with myself, did I do that the way I wanted to do? If I did, then I support me and just kind of wait for him.

Kacie: Right. Yeah… that will be… yeah… exactly that. That’ll help. That’ll help a lot. Because then when I have that, like urge or reaction to say, no, no, no, I’m not nagging you. I didn’t say…you know what I mean, then it’ll just kind of be like, I can, like, sit for a minute and let it be and kind of walk through like you’re saying, like, I… you know, like, okay, like…
Candice: Yeah. Maybe he thinks I’m a nag. Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he actually was the one that left the heater on. There’s lots of reasons that he could have responded that way. But I know that I responded the way I wanted to.

Kacie: Yeah, for sure. Thank you.

Candice: And then one last thing, if you do find that you’re like, “Oh, I was kind of being naggy then” – like at a new juncture in the future, then you can apologize for that too, if you want. Right? And you can support yourself in it either way. Like no, I wasn’t being a nag. I don’t have to feel bad about it. Or yeah, I kind of was being a nag. And it’s okay if I’m a nag sometimes. I’ll apologize and move on.

Kacie: Okay.

Candice: We’re just going to be our own friend. Because that’s what makes it easier to go through this.

Kacie: Right. Very true. Definitely. That’s true. I need to be my own friend.

Candice: As much as possible, right? It’s a skill that we practice. But whenever we can be our own friend, it’s easier to like see things clearly and make choices that align with who you want to be.

Kacie: Yeah, that’s a good point. Especially because sometimes I will even question myself like, did I nag? Did I come across as nagging? Oh, my gosh, what if you know, what if the tone of my voice… you know, it’s really easy to kind of like, not really be my friend.

Candice: Yeah, and we want to be careful with the questions because you asked, Did I nag? That’s a yes or no, that you’ll know for sure. And then, did I come across as nagging? Who knows? Like it depends on the other person’s thoughts.

Kacie: So true.

Candice: So we only want to pay attention to our own intention. Was I being naggy? Was I being short? I can feel in my body if I was, if I was I can apologize. It’s okay. I’m human. I do that sometimes. And if I wasn’t, I can let him misunderstand me. I don’t have to check: was my voice tone, okay? I don’t know because the voice tone could be interpreted by a million different people a million different ways. So all you want to know is, what was my intention? Can I support myself in it?

Kacie: For sure. Yeah, that helps. Because then I don’t give myself as hard of a time, you know,

Candice: Right.

Kacie: Yeah.

Candice: And if you’re trying to control your face and your voice tone and everything, so it goes perfect for everyone around you… it’s a really impossible challenge because everyone around us wants a little bit different tone, a little bit different face, a little bit different inflection and we can’t possibly memorize all of that. So all we want to do is just be like, in my gut, do I know that I was behaving the way I want to behave? If I was great – I’ll support myself. If I wasn’t, I’ll make amends and still support myself.

Kacie: Yeah, yeah. That feels much kinder. Like to myself, you know, for sure, much kinder than the usual.

Candice: Right, which is I think most women learn to be unkind and kind of berate ourselves.

Kacie: Yeah

Candice: Nag ourselves, we might say. So we can just choose to not nag ourselves while we’re not nagging our husbands.

Kacie: I like that. I like that. Yeah.

Candice: Anything else you want to say as we wrap up?

Kacie: No, I don’t think so. I think that was, that was great. I appreciate it. Yeah, it’s like a different perspective. It helps so much.

Candice: So good. Thanks for being here today.

Kacie: Yeah.

Candice: I’ll talk to you soon. Bye.

And there you have it – that’s exactly what we do in the Defying Gravity Revolution: We support ourselves – even when husband misunderstands or doesn’t recognize our well-places efforts.

We see that it’s a bummer for HIM if he uses our actions or words as a reason to feel bad. We feel for him and love him – which is a whole lot easier when we don’t blame ourselves for his feelings, require ourselves to fix his pain or join him in his misery.

Just like we discussed last episode, Bees know that you don’t have to believe everything you think. We get that all of it is up for examination, and we claim the power that comes with choosing our thoughts on purpose.

We are BEES and Bees don’t care what humans think is impossible.

Keep your ears out for every 12 or so episodes for more sneak peeks into what it’s REALLY like to be a Bee in the Defying Gravity Revolution.
If you’d like to experience coaching first hand – mark your calendar for two upcoming events:

1. Lucky in Love – a virtual coach-a-thon coming to you March 13-17
2. Defying Gravity Revolution: The Gathering – an LIVE experience coming to you in person in Utah April 28-29

I’m looking forward to meeting you, either way.

Choose courage, Bee and keep on flying!