Episode 39 – Now and Then

‘s Up, Bees?!

If you’ve been following me for a while – or even if you’re new to this community, you might have noticed that I’m not much for social media. I post cute stories about my kids sometimes, but it’s not where I spend most of my attention or energy.

It’s not that I’m actively against the Insta or the SnapChat or even the TikTok.

I actually used to Facebook a LOT when I was first married and when my babies were younger.

I tapered off because it’s just not my most favorite way to spend my time, so… as my life got busier with more distractions, I tended to post less and less on my personal profile.

One thing I DO still love about social media – especially Facebook – is those precious little memory pop ups.

I’m not sure that’s the “official” name for them, but I’d guess you know what I’m talking about.

I’m sure you’ve seen them.

Those posts Facebook feeds you of photos from 8 years ago when your youngest lost a tooth or captions from 3 years ago when your baby sister got married.

Those old photos pop up and you feel all nostalgic thinking through the memories of whatever was going on that day.

Awww…. Memory lane, right?

I don’t know this for sure… but I’m thinking that the Facebook programmers must intentionally choose to show you posts that had a lot of comments and likes at the time of the original posting because USUALLY the memory posts bring back a happy time.

Those little gifts to your newsfeed can remind you of SO many things. SO many feels.

Might be a vision of what you once had but don’t anymore.

Could be a testament to how far you’ve come.

Or how far you’ve fallen.

Might be a reminder of everything you’ve learned since then.

Maybe they showcase some good times and spark motivation to create good times again.

Now pay attention right here, Bee – because THIS NEXT PART is the main point of the episode.

This next sentence is the WHOLE reason I’m even bringing up Facebook memory posts at all.

When that shining memory pops up on your feed, what you see and feel is all up to you.

You can look at that picture of you and your guy at that New Year’s Eve party and ache for how much you miss the times when you actually went out and did things together.

You can notice your manicured nails and stylist-approved hair and lament for days gone by when you had actually had time and money to spare for trips to the salon.

You can see your toes in the sand and yearn for the days when you were able to relax and read a whole book, uninterrupted on the beach.

It’s pretty common for memories of the “good old days” to spark your awareness of what’s NO LONGER good in the present day.

It’s true that life comes at us in seasons with varying pros and cons coming right along with each new phase of life.

You might be right that you and your husband spend less time giggling through late night chats nowadays than you did when you first met.

It could be completely true that it’s tough to get through a beach read when you’re busy driving carpool.

AND

It’s ALSO 100% true that the pictures popping up on your Facebook feed can’t make you feel anything at all – UNTIL you start comparing what was happening back then to what’s going on today.

A wedding photo might make you feel gooshy because you’re thinking of how lucky you are to have ended up married to your best friend.

OR

The same photo could leave you feeling wistful because you’re thinking that you don’t know how you two lost the love that you both clearly felt for each other way back then.

A vacation snapshot can make you feel light or heavy hearted based on what you make the snapshot mean about the possibilities available to you RIGHT NOW. TODAY.

If you focus on regret over the fight you two had the morning the pic was snapped…

If you’re thinking you’re still locked in the same sort of never ending fight patterns today…

You’re probably going to feel pretty icky and trapped looking at that photo.

Makes sense, right?

It also makes sense that you’ll have a pretty different experience if you remember how you fought back then and NOW believe – like really believe – that you’ve developed the skills to work through a spat like that and come out even stronger today.

The first scenario leaves you feeling trapped.

The second showcases the freedom and power you’ve created for yourself to enjoy with him.

You with me?

Simply put – the picture means nothing until you make it mean something.

Every time.

You can make the memory mean that you’re no further along than you were back then. You’re still having the same fights and nothing’s getting better.

You can make the memory mean that things were WAY better in the past and it’s only downhill from here. You were thinner then or less tired… and just look at you now, haggard and hopeless. Wah. Wah.

If you’re making those memory posts mean something like that – you’re not alone. It’s okay that you’re doing it because your brain is wired to orient to pain.

That’s not the part I want to focus on.

I want us to focus on what comes next – after your brain sends up the warning flare exactly like it’s designed to.

Do you attend to the pain?

Do you rationalize it away or pretend it isn’t there or it’s not as bad as it seems?

That’s the million dollar question.

If your memories are painful… pay attention to that.

I know you might be tempted to sugar coat or rationalize… but don’t.

At least… wait a minute and LISTEN before you do.

It’s pretty much never helpful to force yourself to look away from something that’s not working.

Us Bees don’t have time for that.

Instead, tell yourself the truth about what’s not working because once you do, your options for shifting things will become a lot more clear.

You deserve options and I’m all about helping you see them.

Cuz they are always there.

Let’s take the cover art for this particular episode as an example.

You can see the photo on my website: www.candicetoone.com/podcast – scroll to episode 39.

But… if you don’t see it right now, just know that it’s a sortof grainy photo from 2010 of me and my husband on our honeymoon, looking young and in love while standing in front of a cruise ship.

The girl in that snapshot has a better tan than I currently do.

She’s a few dozen pounds lighter.

Her house is cleaner and she’s newly in love.

Plus, she about to embark on a week-long vacation in a tropical locale.

Sometimes, when I see that image, my brain says: Oh… to be her again.

Carefree and hopeful. Unburdened by the many concerns that my 40-something self faces on the daily. That version of me could eat pretty much whatever she wanted and her free time was still hers.

It’s easy to slip into missing being her.

She has lots of things that I don’t.

More sleep. More free time. Better health. A less complicated relationship.

I miss those things about my life back then – AND – if I want to, I can get all of that back right now.

That’s the beauty of knowing you have options.

If you let yourself tell the truth about what you miss from the memory, you can decide – on purpose – if you want to spend the energy and effort to get that stuff back for yourself now.

Maybe you do and you figure out how to set some boundaries with your time so that you can focus your free time on what’s important to you more often.

Maybe you WANT to figure out how to take care of your body and health more like she did back then.

Great news – you can!

Especially when you allow yourself to tell the truth about what you think you’re missing. Because it’s easier to find something when you know what you’re looking for.

With other things, you might choose to notice the difference between you and her, and then consciously choose to take the trade off.

For example, I know that I’m willing to get less sleep than she used to get because current me has the joy (and challenge) of raising three children that she doesn’t yet know.

When I remind myself that I also have some things that she doesn’t have – I’m more willing to accept the changes that came with my new phase of life.

Especially because I remind myself of my choices:

I could figure out a way to get more sleep if I wanted to – and some days I might.

Most days I choose to do story time and snuggle time and lose a few winks.

It’s also true that husband and I had more time to spend together back then. Our responsibilities were fewer and our lives were a little less hectic.

That’s something I might want to wiggle a little.

When I tell myself the truth that I want more time like we had back then, I clarify my target.

Brains love clear objectives, so when you allow yourself to want something that you had back then AND you believe it’s possible to get it – the thing is as good as yours again.

Did you hear that second sentence? Let me repeat it one more time for the Bees in back.

When you believe it’s possible to get the thing again – that’s where ALL your power lies.

The girl in that honeymoon picture had a much messier brain than I do now. She wasn’t fully aware of how much power she had to control and create her experience.

In that way, she has another thing to envy in me.

Because I invite myself to see how we both have good things in our lives, it’s easier to fondly recall sleeping in on the cruise ship back then without lamenting early morning kid duty today.

It’s easier to celebrate all I’ve learned about life since I was her and look back on her with love for all the growing she has ahead.

Now doesn’t have to be worse than then.

Then wasn’t necessarily better than now.

It’s ALL your life and it’s much more liveable when you remember that you create it all along the way – all day, every day. Even if it doesn’t seem that way.

To summarize, tell yourself the truth about what you feel when memories pop up.

Decide if you want to make some changes to reclaim some things you lost OR decide that the tradeoff of what you have now is worth what you left behind back then.

Deciding brings power and momentum, so decide what you want your life and marriage to be as often as possible.

We can help you make those decisions confidently when you subscribe to and share this podcast.

Choose to be a woman who supports other women by spreading these messages of empowerment and freedom. Every. Single. Sunday.

All of us here in the Defying Gravity Revolution thank you for helping to create a world where more women stop caring what humans think is impossible.

Choose courage, Bee and keep on flying!

And one more thing – mark your calendar to join me on Wednesday, July 19 @ 9:30a MT for a free masterclass on What to do with your husband’s bad mood.

Registration link is in the show notes for this episode.

Go to www.candicetoone.com/podcast and scroll to episode 39. The notes and link are waiting for you – right there.

You MUST register to get the connection information for the class.

You’re gonna want the connection information because YOU deserve the skill of managing your afternoon no matter what your husband’s mood is that day. You deserve to feel freedom and peace even if he’s flipping out.

It’s a skill to care about his feelings without dragging yourself down.

Every woman deserves that skill – especially you. So get on over to www.candicetoone.com/podcast and register. I’ll see you on the 19th.