Episode 81 – MVP – The sneakiest enemy of marital success

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Okay… got that done?

Now on to today’s topic – the sneakiest enemy of marital success.

It’s not what you think.

At least probably not.

The sneakiest enemy of marital success is your death grip on agreement.

Your chokehold on being “understood.”

Now… before you take offense… know that I am ZERO PERCENT making fun of you.

The only reason I know that this is the sneakiest enemy of marital success is because I fell victim to chasing agreement and demanding understanding for YEARS.

Like years and years. Years and painful years.

Husband and I have been in MANY, MANY circular arguments that lasted well into the night as we nit-picked each other’s perspective and tried to get each other to adopt our side.

If you’ve ever been in the same boat, I get why.

It really can seem SUPER important that you agree with each other.

Because if you don’t see the problem exactly the same way, then… are you even working on the same issue?

Agreement seems like the best foundation to build on.

And it is… until it isn’t.

Take this story from one of my clients as an example.

She is convinced that her husband has a crush on his front office manager.

She doesn’t think he’s cheated or that he will.

She just believes that he’s attracted to her and that sometimes his interactions with her flirt with the edge of… well… flirting.  

My client works in the same office with the both of them and, as a result, has LOTS of opportunities to interpret their interactions in painful ways.

And she usually does.

Because her nervous system is set to high alert. So of course she’s constantly scanning for danger – and because of the lens she’s looking through, she usually finds it.

Let me be clear – there’s NOTHING wrong with her for being vigilant. She feels threatened, so her brain switches to hypervigilance. It’s biology.

Nothing’s gone wrong when that happens.

Until… her vigilance becomes a wedge between her and her forever guy.

And her vigilance only becomes a wedge when she takes a chokehold grip on her story and demands that he agree with the way she’s interpreting what he’s doing.

That wedge becomes especially divisive when she draws a hard line in the sand.

When she REALLY wants him to admit that he’s twitterpated with the front office manager.

Why does she want that?

Because she thinks his admission is the only way to guarantee that the problematic behavior stops.

She feels VERY committed to ensuring that they are focusing on resolving the SAME problem.

And that problem is HIS crush.

At face value, that makes sense… right?

We have to identify the culprit to solve the problem. Of course we do.

That’s why the main question at the scene of any crime is “Who did this?”

AND

Marriages aren’t typically crime scenes. If they are, that’s a different podcast entirely.

For most of us, we’re dealing with hurt feelings and shaky loyalties more than broken laws.

Since that’s the case, I suggest that you look at the dynamic between you and your guy as the enemy rather than seeing your husband (or yourself) that way.

Most clients I work with tend to fall in one of two camps:

He’s the enemy, the culprit, the problem because of the bonehead things he’s doing or saying…

OR

I am the enemy, culprit, problem because I’m having trouble being accepting and unconditionally loving… no. matter. what.

And what’s true is that neither of you are the enemy.

You’ve possibly set up and entrenched a pattern of behavior that isn’t working and that pattern, those behaviors – THOSE are the enemy.

Not either of you.

And when you can identify the pattern of behavior as something to conquer together –

something that’s outside of either of you –

something that’s no match for the bond of companionship you two have together…

that’s when you’ll see the changes you want to see.

Back to my client…

As I said, she’s spent the better part of this last year trying to get him to admit that he’s got butterflies for the front office manager.

He’s spent the better part of this last year denying it all while getting increasingly angry at the accusation.

So far as my client and I know, her husband has not cheated in any capacity.

No late nights. He always comes home to sleep.

There have been no suspicious charges to the credit card.

No mysterious text message alerts at odd intervals or weird hours.

He’s repeatedly told her that he’s only got eyes for her.

AND

He’s repeatedly told her that he’s tired of talking about this alleged “crush”.

My client thinks the enemy in the scenario is his denial of “what’s really going on.”

Her husband thinks the enemy in the scenario is her “obsession” with an inaccurate theory.

They are both right.

And both wrong.

Both right because his denial and her obsession are the fuel that spins this unhealthy dynamic round and round.

Both wrong because the real enemy is the commitment to the dynamic, not the dynamic itself.

It’s okay for her to want him to back off on the friendliness with the front office manager.  

It’s just not so useful for my client to require her husband to admit that his behavior is fueled by a crush that he says he doesn’t feel.

So… instead of her approaching the issue from a place of “you need to listen to me because I know more about what’s going on in your heart and head than you do…” or “you need to stop lying to me about the burning passion that exists deep in your soul…” or “you just don’t realize what a womanizer you are…”

She has opportunity to say something more like: “When you joke with her, it’s hard for me to not interpret that as flirtation. I would like it if you would stop doing that because you want it to be easier for me to believe that you’re all in on me. I know that I can believe you’re all in on me regardless of whether you joke with her or not and I DO trust you. I’d also like your help with all this if you’re willing to give it. What do you think?”

Then she gets to listen to what he says.

If he blows her off and dismisses her concern – that’s useful information for her to have as she makes future decisions regarding their relationship.

But… what’s more likely is that he’ll agree outright and reassure her…

OR

He’ll offer a counterpoint and they’ll collaborate their way into a compromise that feels acceptable to them both.

Either way, the most helpful assumption to make is that THEY are a solid team and the behavior dynamic (her accusing, him denying) is the enemy.  

They don’t have to agree about why the behavior dynamic is happening, they can simply agree to adjust it for reasons that make sense to each of them.

She’ll stop blaming because she wants to be a wife that gives her husband the benefit of the doubt – NOT because she’s a judgmental shrew who needs to stop being so paranoid.

He’ll stop with the jokes because he wants to be a husband who respects his wife’s boundaries – NOT because he’s a traitorous lech who wasn’t savvy enough to not get caught.

See it?

In YOUR marriage, you’re allowed to speak about your pain and hold your husband accountable for behavior that you don’t want as part of your relationship.

Just know that process is likely to be a LOT more effective if you don’t require him to admit ill-intent or agree that he’s the problem.

Remember, the behavior dynamic is the enemy.

His personal character isn’t.

Neither is yours.

You can work on the behavior dynamic together – which will be easier to do when you BOTH own your contribution to it.

Because all of us play a part in the relationship dynamic of EVERY relationship we have.

That’s not meant as a call out and doesn’t have to feel like bad news.

It’s simply meant as an opportunity to harness your power in a useful way.  

By learning about your triggers and becoming familiar with your attachment style.

By figuring out your personal boundaries and why you are or are not enforcing them.

By doing the work on YOUR end to make it easy to sit on the same side of the problem as the guy you chose to spend forever with.

Not because you’re bad or your choices are a problem.

Just because personal awareness is power and non-reactive acceptance of how things happened lays the clearest path toward long-lasting, much-desired change.

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I know it can be tough to give up on full agreement in all things. 

Because you want your husband to think nice things about you and you want him to share your perspective. 

Of course you do. 

And – I know he can think nice things about you WHILE he disagrees with some of the ways you see the world. 

It’s weird to hold both truths together, but I promise they CAN co-exist. 

If you’re ready to expand your capacity to hold both truths and enjoy more connection in your marriage because you did, you’ve gotta join us for “not alone TOGETHER”. 

You’ve got FIVE more days to register – but hear me out.

Instead of waiting… why not stop this podcast RIGHT NOW and go grab your seat? 

The reason to do it now rather than waiting til later is two fold:

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Choose courage, Bee – and Keep. On. Flying.