Episode 11 – Wife on Purpose: Part 1

‘s Up, Bees?!

Since I’ve been talking up the Wife on Purpose Book Club we’re doing together from December 5-December 8 (did you mark your calendar?) I’ve had some requests come through for an audio version of the book.

I’m in.

It’s on the list for me and my team to make happen

BECAUSE

I really do want to make it as easy as possible for you to hear the ideas presented in the book AND for you to thoughtfully consider where the suggestions match your personal marriage vision.

I want to make it super simple for you to choose the concepts that reflect your values and then run with those concepts all the way to the marriage you imagined when you said “I do.

Now here’s the thing – the full audio version won’t happen before the book club gets going –

when is that again?

December 5th through the 8th

But it doesn’t matter that the full audio version of Wife on Purpose won’t be recorded before the book club starts up because we don’t need it to be.

Why?

Couple reasons

First, your free Ecopy of the book is already waiting for you at www.candicetoone.com/resources

And second, I’m going to read you an excerpt from the intro – right here, right now – and then I’ll read you a little bit more of the story every 10th episode or so to give you a feel for what being a Wife on Purpose is all about.

That should tide you over until the full audio book version rolls out.

I wrote Wife on Purpose because I’ve coached through hundreds of sessions with all kinds of clients from ALL over the world.

Through conversations with women from all walks of life and all lengths and styles of relationships, I came to identify a handful of themes that – no matter what – make marriage harder.

I want to make sure YOU’RE clear on what those poisonous patterns are so you can watch for and avoid them as often as possible

ALSO I’m here with my book to help you look for easy opportunities to do USEFUL things that’ll make a big shift in the way you relate to your guy.

Of course, NONE of the themes are universal and there will be variation in how the themes show up in your relationship.

Your job is to hear what’s being offered, take the parts that hit home for you and use the ideas to create a marriage you love to live in.

You in?

Good.

Now on to the reading…

I’m taking this from the introduction section, the very first page – page number two.

Here we go.

Remember when you were a little girl and all the Disney princess movies taught you to believe that someday your prince would come?

And then when you were a little older all the teen movies and rom coms led you to believe that landing the perfect guy would be the climactic pinnacle of your life story.

Me too.

And do you remember how in the early 2000s popular trends and social media rallied against all of the above and how it was in vogue to be a boss babe or a She-ro or a mompreneur instead of waiting around to be swept off your feet?
Yep, that happened.

Probably because historically, women weren’t used to being taken seriously as standalone bastions of our own destiny. As competent creators in our own lives. Heck, up until 1974, some companies still denied women the opportunity to sign up for a credit card without first securing a male cosigner.

For centuries before that women were required to rely even more heavily on their male counterparts because women weren’t allowed to vote, own property, choose their own spouse or even learn to read.

So it makes sense that many women – even now in modern times, sensitively attune their efforts toward keeping the men around them happy.

For hundreds of 1000s of years, male approval was literally the deciding factor between a woman’s life and death between her safety or slavery.

No wonder so many of us gals are still pretty concerned with whether or not our husband is pleased. It’s in our history, our very genes to believe that a man’s disapproval could have catastrophic results for us. Because in the not so distant past, that was often the truth.

Besides, your grandmothers and aunties probably told you something similar at your bridal or baby showers. They meant well, they thought their advice would protect you and it might have in their day. To be fair, some of their suggestions around how to care for your man might still be useful to you now.

And a lot of it might be outdated and, and unnecessary.

Please hear me say that I’m not holding any sort of grudge against men. Really, I’m not. I know that most men are good guys trying to do right by their loved ones while still shouldering an immense amount of their own unique flavor of pressure. They are tasked with lots of tough jobs that they aren’t always well equipped to do: single handedly support a family, grow big biceps, be chivalrous without being a chauvinist and never cry about any of it for any reason, ever.

I’m sure that living under all of those rules is a pretty big drag for our guys, and I genuinely believe that most men are doing their absolute best in response to impossible standards.
Still, it’s pretty clear that their best really really sucks sometimes. Consider how that truth might not be the end of the world. Maybe we can allow space for things to suck without accepting that they’ll stay that way. Because our best – yours and mine – really, really sucks at times too. And still, we all try.

So let’s take a collective breath and get on with the story.

Here’s what I know: True happiness lies in finding out how to care for yourself, while also allowing others – specifically your husband – to offer you support, protection and nurturance.

This can be challenging when that support, protection and nurturance look a little bit different than what you might have expected.

It’s actually a skill to receive these gestures, especially when you’re looking for one version and he hands you another. And it’s an advanced – I might even say impossible – skill to receive from your husband when you aren’t already in the habit of giving that support, protection and nurturance to yourself.

Developing those skills is what Wife on Purpose is all about.

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, romance stories often involve a lot of waiting and wishing and wondering and pining until finally, the couple connects with a kiss in the rain, or a ride off into the sunset. But what if you didn’t have to wait for anything? Like ever? Unless for some reason you want to?

My guess is those happy looking, in love ladies from the silver screen actually did a lot of behind the scenes work that didn’t make the final film cut because well, the hard work part of a relationship just isn’t all that entertaining. I get it.

Still, regardless of what the movie producers might say, entertainment value is not the same thing as actual value. My work as a marriage, or marriage and family therapist – and then as a master certified life coach, continually shows me how the internal work each woman does to reconnect with herself, her desires, her strengths and her boundaries is the most valuable part of the story.

It’s not flashy, it’s not always fun – but it is what fuels her to create the marriage she’s always wanted. It’s also what helps her purposely decide to sit back sometimes and stop hustling so hard to get things in life that are worth the wait.

Right now, I challenge you to pause your reading (or youre listening since we’re on the podcast), and take a closer look at the guy you married.

For the next 10 minutes, allow yourself to see everything: the fabulous, the flaws, the attractive, the awful. Open your brain to consider the reasons behind his quirks and bad habits. Make room to celebrate his qualities, review your happiest memories and recall your darkest times.

Write it all down if that helps you.

And don’t worry, you don’t have to show it to anyone. You can even burn the paper later if you want to. So breathe deep. Relax your shoulders back and wiggle your hands then write, write write.

Ok. You done? Awesome. Set the paper aside until tomorrow.

When you read it all again in the morning. Take care to check in with your gut feeling and with the pulse of your heart. Combine the words you wrote with the input from your body. Roll it all around to help you access your own wisdom and your unique intuition. From there you can decide on purpose if the relationship you have with your husband is worth doing the work we’re about to embark on together here in this book.

Yes?
No?

Either answer is totally okay. Truly.

Remember that you staying or going is not a question of who deserves what or who should put up with whom and why.

None of that decision can be based on what your husband is willing to hand you. Instead, place the focus on what you are willing to consciously and purposely pick up and take into your life.
If you want some more help finding a focus as to what you are willing to consciously and purposely pick up and take in to your life – you HAVE to sign up for the Wife on Purpose book club.

In those chats, we’ll discuss how YOU can be a Wife on Purpose in time to actually celebrate your wedding anniversary the way you WANT to in 2023. That’s this NEXT year.

I want your marriage to be better by THEN – if not sooner.

So… you can ask me ANY question about what you’ve read in the book and – if you want to – we’ll chat through your stickiest marriage situation together… right there, live on the call.

I guarantee you’ll walk away from the book club with at least one actionable tool that you can easily implement right away to make your marriage more of what you want it to be.

Only thing you’ve got to lose is loneliness and disappointment.

And you didn’t want those things anyway.

So grab your FREE copy of Wife on Purpose at candicetoone.com/resources.

Or if you prefer paperback, head over to Amazon and place your order.

Snag your copy today so you can start reading now and be ready for the book club on December 5.

Can’t wait to hang out with you LIVE.

Also, before we go for today, let’s get to know one of our listeners a little bit better. Shout out to Cam Ped for listening AND leaving a review. I appreciate you.

I wish I could have Candice in my ear while I’m living life. She’s brilliant and now I get to hear more of her. Can’t wait to listen and get weekly nuggets to help me improve my marriage. Thanks for being so generous with your knowledge Candice!!

Thanks Cam Ped. Glad that you’re enjoying the listen and I’m honored to be in your ear. Be sure to tell all your married friends so we can heal our marriages together.

As for the rest of you Bees – if you’d love a shout out on the podcast and a chance to win a $250 Amazon gift card in time for the holiday season OR a private coaching session with me (your choice)… you know what to do.

We’ll be doing the drawing on November 30, so get your review in before then!

Choose courage, Bee and keep on flying!