Episode 13 – Bees in the Wild – Round 1

‘s Up, Bees?!

We’ve got a special treat today. You ready?

I know you might be wondering what it’s like to be part of a coaching conversation.

Well… wonder no more.

Once of my Bees has graciously agreed to let you listen in on a coaching chat we had inside the Defying Gravity Revolution a week or so ago.

This is a REAL conversation. Neither of us knew we’d be sharing it on the podcast when we were having it.

I’m so grateful to Shannon for showing up to actively create the marriage she wants to live in.

I’m honored to help her make that happen.

I’m thrilled to share her insights and ah-has with all of you.

Enjoy!

Candice: Hi.

Shannon: Good morning. How are you?

Candice: I’m great. How are you?

Shannon: Good. Okay, so I’m feeling that when it comes to my husband, I just don’t honestly feel free to enjoy things in my life. Because he, Chris is so frustrated and unhappy in his life right now that I get a lot of comments, Candice like, “Well, I wish I had time to do that.” Or “I wish I could do that.” And it’s not… But it’s with the tone and the sense of resentfulness that he has towards me. And it just I just feel like because he’s started back to work now. But it’s comments. It’s like death by 1000 cuts. It’s just his comments all the time.

Candice: Let’s just take the last time he said that to you. What were you doing that he wished he had time for?

Shannon: Um, well, I’m started volunteering with this organization for grieving kids, which is what I want to do with my life’s work. And this morning as he was getting ready for work, and I’m expressing excitement about volunteering tonight. And it’s just “Well, I wish I had time to pursue something that I enjoyed.”

Candice: What did you make it mean, when he said that?

Shannon: That I don’t… I guess the first thing that came to my mind is, “well, I don’t deserve to have that since you can’t…”

Candice: Why’d you make that leap? Help me come with you.

Shannon: I just I feel his resentment.

Candice: Okay, he probably does resent you. I don’t I don’t doubt that at all. But like, why does that mean you don’t deserve it? That’s what doesn’t go together for me. So help me understand.

Shannon: I guess I feel guilty. Because he’s getting ready to go to a job to support our family that he doesn’t like.

Candice: Why? Why is he doing that?

Shannon: Why’s he doing that?

Candice: Yeah. Like, what’s his model that has “go to a job I don’t like” in the A line?

Shannon: Interesting. Well, his model doing that would be that he has to.

Candice: Yeah, he probably thinks in the T line. “I have to do this.” then he feels committed or obligated or something like that.

Shannon: Trapped. He tells me that he feels trapped.

Candice: He feels trapped because he has thoughts like “There’s no other options. I have to feed my family. This is the only way.” Probably.

Shannon: Yeah. And he’s twisting…

Candice: Is that true? Hold on, hold on. We’re gonna slow way down.

Shannon: Okay.

Candice: So he thinks “I have to feed my family. This is the only way to do it. I’m trapped here.” That’s his story. Yeah?

Shannon: Yes. Yeah.

Candice: Which – that sucks for him.

Shannon: Right. It does suck for him.

Candice: And it means nothing about you. We could decide.

Shannon: Except… he’s thinks it does…

Candice: He makes is mean something about you for sure – but we don’t have to agree with him about that.

Shannon: You’re right. I don’t have to.

Candice: So why are you?

Shannon: I am agreeing with him. Like I have this clutching feeling of guilt like…

Candice: Why the guilt though? Tell me the thought behind the guilt.

Shannon: Because I get to pursue what I want to and do what I love, and he doesn’t.

Candice: Why not? Why can’t he do it?

Shannon: Because he’s, let’s see, has to earn the money.

Candice: You both have that painful model about his job. That’s why you feel guilty.

Shannon: Yeah.

Candice: But if for some reason the place that he works shut down, you’d probably find a different way to feed your kids. Yeah?

Shannon: Yeah.

Candice: You had for a long time when you first moved where you moved because he wasn’t working yet.

Shannon: Yeah. Yeah…

Candice: Tell me about the hesitation, what’s going on there?

Shannon: Well, I mean, we just he’s, it’s been four and a half years. I mean, four and a half years. Oh, my gosh, four and a half months since he’s been working, because there were delays in his job starting. So…

Candice: And your kids ate that whole time, I would guess.

Shannon: We did. But we really couldn’t keep going…

Candice: You couldn’t keep going on that strategy of using your savings, for sure. But if the savings ran out, you would have found a new strategy, I’d guess.

Shannon: Yes.

Candice: And so both of you a little bit believe the only way to take care of your family is for him to go to this job that he hates. And that’s why you feel guilty, because you’re like, “yeah, you kinda do have to go there. And I don’t.” And he’s like, “I have to go there.” So he feels resentful. That makes sense.

Shannon: All right. All right. I see where you’re going. Yep. He and I both have that thought that he has to do this. And it’s… you’re right. And it isn’t 100%. He doesn’t have to.

Candice: He could do something else if he wanted, right? There’s other ways to make money besides being a doctor. Yeah?

Shannon: There are. Yes. Not… not as not as desirable for us, right now.

Candice: I mean, it doesn’t sound like this job is very desirable at all for either of you.

Shannon: Yeah, that’s a good point. Well, I… you know, what… I really just want him to want to do it.

Candice: Totally, it would be so much easier

Shannon: and be happier about this job.

Candice: For sure. I totally get it. If he liked going to the shop that seems really secure and easy for you. That would be way better. I totally agree.

Shannon: And then I could feel guilt free.

Candice: Totally.

Shannon: And pursue what I want to pursue?

Candice: It would be so nice. I totally agree. And it’s not what’s happening. So now we get to be like, okay, so he doesn’t love this job. Now we either get to figure out why he doesn’t love it and if there’s a way we can make it more lovable for him, like change his story about it or change some of the circumstances of it? Or are we going to be like, Okay, babe, what do you want to do? You don’t have to go there. Do you want to go back to school and become a dog trainer or a barber? Or like what would be better?

Shannon: Yeah, that so the former idea is I just don’t think I could get him to I mean, he just hates it. He’s…

Candice: Why did you hate it?

Shannon: Because it medicine right now, especially for family doctors. The system and the way it’s set up. A lot of people are leaving. So…

Candice: Some people are staying. And those people have thoughts that we could borrow? Yeah.

Shannon: Yeah. So I’ve tried that approach with him, but…

Candice: But we don’t want to like, shove thoughts at him. That never works, right? We want to figure out what exactly is it about his job that he doesn’t like? And my guess is – you tell me if I’m right – this is usually how it probably goes at your house: he says he hates his job and you’re like please don’t talk to me about that, please don’t talk to me about that… which I would do, too. I get it. That’s very tempting.

Shannon: Yeah, it really threatens my feeling of security…

Candice: It only does because you believe it’s your fault that he’s going to this job.

Shannon: Yes, I do. I do believe it’s… Yeah.

Candice: But if you’re like, listen, he can change at any time. I’m not stopping him. I’m totally open to the idea of him becoming a painter full time, or whatever. If you had that belief that you had some flexibility around it, and that your family would still be okay, then you wouldn’t have the guilt, right?

Shannon: Yes, yes, yeah.

Candice: But right now, what’s happening is he’s like, I hate my job. And you’re like, please don’t talk to me about it. And then that just kind of stays there. So we don’t even really know why he doesn’t like it or if it’s a solvable problem. And I’ve been there in this exact spot with you before, not with you, but like me, myself have been in the spot with my husband, please don’t talk to me about that. But when we’re in that spot, then we don’t even know if the problem is solvable or not. We don’t even know what solutions are available to us because we don’t have all the information. We’re just kind of making the assumption.

Shannon: Yes. So when he tells me how much he hates his job, and he feels trapped…. I see I get this like anxiety feeling because like you said, I, there’s something in it that you said, I was like, I actually I really want him…

Candice: You want him to stay at this job, yeah?

Shannon: Yeah, I want him to stay at this job. I mean, he could be go and be a painter full time…

Candice: But why do you want him to say this job?

Shannon: Well, because financially, it’s, it’s much more secure than anything else I feel like he could do right now.

Candice: Yeah, so you and him both think this is the most financially secure option, so you have to do it, which is why this is hard for both of you.

Shannon: Right, right. So it’s not just him, I’m thinking too, you have to do this. You have to do this, which…

Candice: Yeah. And I’m not saying. I’m not saying you should change that. But that’s why it’s like this.

Shannon: Right. So if I wasn’t thinking, I need you to do this, you have to do this. I would not feel such anxiety about all of this.

Candice: Yeah

Shannon: I would feel a lot more freedom. If if I felt like he could just… if I felt comfortable with him pursuing something else.

Candice: Or if you’re like, listen, I could do something else myself. Maybe this whole grieving kids thing will take off and I will be able to support us all. Right? That’s also something that could happen. And he can stay home and do whatever it is that he wishes he could do. Like, we just want to expand your options here. I’m not saying any of those are the ones you have to take. But when we’re like the only thing is you have to do this job you hate it makes sense that there’s tension in your house.

Shannon: Yeah, because yeah, every time he says, “I hate this job, I feel trapped. I hate this job. I feel trapped.” I Yeah, it’s more than I’ve been telling myself. I just don’t like his negativity. And, you know, but no, it does… it does feel insecure for me. Because now I could see my brain is saying night, I want you to you need to do this job. For me…

Candice: and if you don’t do it, there’s catastrophic consequences. So please stop telling me you don’t want to do it.

Shannon: Okay, so that’s why that’s where I need to loosen up. Some of that, like, not…

Candice: Or just question it. Like, if he really stopped doing this job, would this catastrophic thing really happen? My guess is no. You might have to move, you might have to move in with somebody else. You might have to take out some loans, but there’s probably something you could do, I would guess.

Shannon: Yes. I see an opening in my brain here to allow for that. I don’t like it. I don’t like the alternatives. But there are possibilities.
Candice: And the other thing to consider too is like when we open up to talk about maybe you can stay maybe you can go husband, he might decide to stay and be happier that he feels like he has a choice now. Doesn’t mean he’s gonna leave. But when he believes like when he experiences “Oh, I have some options.” There’s room to talk about it. Usually people feel better.

Shannon: Oh my gosh. Yeah, that would be a different conversation. Because whenever he says, “I hate this job, I feel trapped. I tense up.”

Candice: Which of course you do, because you think it’s threatening to your security.

Shannon: Yeah, I tense up. I don’t want to hear it. My brain is saying, No, that’s a major problem that can happen. It’s a threat. Why can’t he just?

Candice: Yeah.

Shannon: So yeah, my guess is if I just opened up to it and was like, “Okay, well, let’s find something else. What can we do? What do you want to do?”

Candice: Or even just be like, tell me why you hate it so much. Is there anything we can do to make it better? Like, we can even start there?

Shannon: II mean, he does share with me why he hates it so much. But…

Candice: and then what happens when he shares?

Shannon: Well, it’s just it’s the same thing.

Candice: What happens, like how do you respond to him?

Shannon: I’m like, “I know. I’m really sorry.”

Candice: Are you?

Shannon: NO! I’m not sorry… I just want him…

Candice: Yeah, that’s something that you could be like, “Yeah, that does really suck” and like, genuinely mean it. And I bet that that would be a different conversation, too. If you wanted.

Shannon: But it’s really hard for me to be sorry.

Candice: The reason it’s hard for you to be sorry, is because you’re like, “please get over it though.”

Shannon: Yeah…

Candice: You’re like: “I need you to move on, because I need you to keep this security for me.

Shannon: Uh, yeah. 100%. Yeah, I’m telling myself that I need him to keep that security. And yeah…

Candice: Which, it makes snes, if your brain has always thought: “Well, my husband’s a doctor. So that’s how we’re gonna live.” And it seems like that’s the only option – it makes sense. So we’re not mad at your brain. We’re just like, “oh brain. No wonder we feel so tense because there’s a really narrow path we have to walk in order to live. But maybe that’s not true.”

Shannon: Yeah, Yeah

Candice: So when he talks to you about this again, what you’re gonna want to do is like watch for the fear to come up, the insecurity. And then you can decide if you’re able to press that down in the moment or not. But just noticing the insecurity is like, going to be a big win. Because we’re doing the 1% win this month, and we’re like, oh, notice the insecurity without like, trying to push it away. That’s a win. Yeah?

Shannon: Yeah. That’s brilliant. That’s really helpful. And that’s my first step. Just noticing the insecurity and making it okay. Understand that I’m feeling that way. But know that that’s where that is coming from.

Candice: It’s not coming from his job and what he does, but coming from the belief that if he doesn’t do this job, my kids are going to starve.

Shannon: Yes.

Candice: Which maybe that’s true. Maybe it’s not. That’s our 1% win.

Shannon: Yeah. Okay. Thank you.

Candice: Good to talk to you, Shannon.

Shannon: Thank you so much.

​​And there you have it – that’s exactly what we do in the Defying Gravity Revolution: We actively discover options and opportunities in places that seemed completely devoid of freedom just moments before.

Impossible is temporary around here, everyone – because we are BEES and Bees don’t care what humans think is impossible.

If you’re ready to feel less trapped and more free – you’ve gotta join us for the Wife on Purpose book club. We’ll be meeting together over lunchtime (11-11:30a MT) to discuss the book and sort through the stickiest of marriage situations.

All you’ve gotta do is grab your free eCopy of Wife on Purpose at candicetoone.com/resources.

If you prefer paperback, head over to Amazon and place your order.

You don’t have to finish the book before we meet on 12/5. All that you’ve gotta do is decide you deserve the marriage you want and then show up for yourself to make it happen.

Grab the book.
Read as much as you can.
Show up with us in December.
Walk away with at least one specific tool that’ll make your marriage better RIGHT AWAY.

Can’t wait to hang out with you LIVE in December.

Before we go for today, let’s get to know one of our listeners a little bit better. Shout out to Amyloann for listening AND leaving a review. I appreciate you.

I am LOVING this podcast! Candice shares examples from her own marriage. She is so relatable and I’m able to easily apply the coaching she teaches to my life because she is awesome at explaining.

Thanks Amy! Glad that you’re enjoying the listen.

As for the rest of you Bees – if you’d love a shout out on the podcast and a chance to win a $250 Amazon gift card in time for the holiday season… you know what to do. We’ll be doing that drawing on November 30, so get your review in before then!

Choose courage, Bee and keep on flying!