Episode 16 – Marriage of Body and Brain

‘s Up, Bees?!

Merry Christmas to those that are celebrating and to those who celebrate in other ways, here’s all my love to you and your family no matter what the day finds you doing.

I’m wishing ALL of you fond family time, relaxation and lots of snuggles.

It’s about that time, Bees.

The time of year where we evaluate our lives and our goals and – sometimes – set new visions and plans for ourselves in the coming year.

I’m all for that if it feels motivating and empowering to you.

I’m also all for loving and appreciating yourself exactly as you are right now.
Cuz that’s pretty special too.

We, as women, tend to be pretty spectacular at making to do lists and schedules and chore charts to whip ourselves into shape – physically, financially, organizationally… the list goes on.

We tend to be pretty smart – which I KNOW is the case if you’re listening to this podcast, to ANY podcast really, but especially to this one – and because we are smart, we are used to using our brains to think and learn our way into achieving the goals we set.

We focus on tips and tricks. Strategies and secrets.

Because that’s what’s fed to us through the magazine racks at the grocery store checkout stand. That’s the kind of thing that pops up in our social media news feeds and what’s passed to us by our best friends and sisters at Girls Night Outings.

I’m here for all of it.

Your brain IS an asset to be sure, so it makes sense if you tend to lead with it as you plan out your next steps toward creating the life you really want.

I’m in.

So long as… your body is on board with the strategies and tricks you plan on trying.

Challenge is – most humans are pretty practiced in ignoring what our bodies have to say.

We don’t mean to be.

We’ve just been taught – for years and years – that what our body wants isn’t really relevant.

We say things like: “power through” and “no pain no gain” and “mind over matter”.

Phrases like that ARE useful sometimes.

Like when you’re tempted to stop doing something that you actually REALLY want to do – but that’s presenting a bit of a challenge in the moment.

Phrases like that are NOT so useful when we are trying to convince ourselves to do something we’d really rather not do.

See the difference?

It’s the difference between giving yourself a pep talk while curating your pantry because in your soul you crave those organized shelves

and

forcing yourself to slog through the sorting because you think you have to clean it out to be a good enough person, even though you really don’t care at all about how the shelves look.

It’s the difference between rallying on purpose to get yourself into enjoying some holiday cheer with family you love

and

requiring yourself to spend time doing holiday traditions that don’t actually matter to you but seem like something that’s “supposed” to be done. (that’s Christmas cards for me)

If you find yourself caught in the trap of forcing yourself to do, think or feel something that doesn’t rest quite right in your body – know that it makes sense if you find yourself there.

Brains love efficiency and so they like to use the same tools over and over.

For most of us – our most familiar tool IS our brain – our ability to think through things and plan things and learn things and figure things out.

That’s why my clients often tell me – “I get it intellectually, but….”

Comments like that are a big clue that an important part of their information gathering system is being overlooked.

Because, again, humans are pretty used to disavowing signals from our bodies.

We tend dismiss our body’s messages as immature (It’s been a long time so I should be over it by now…) as unflattering (I know he didn’t mean it like that…) or as inconvenient (I don’t want to bug anyone or hold things up…)

Do you hear how inner dialogue like that keeps you up in our head, perpetuating the lie that something is wrong with you?

If you could just let X go or finally do Y – THEN your marriage would be what you wanted.

Goals like that probably lead you to all kinds of compromising as you champion your ability to make it work – because you probably ARE an expert at making things work.

Even if “making it work” leaves you unsatisfied or unhappy.

I think you deserve a lot better than that.

Because is it REALLY “working” if you’re miserable? – I submit that maybe not.

You DON’T have to compromise yourself to death by ignoring signals from your body just because you think they might be immature, unflattering or inconvenient.

It’s an option to believe those signals from your body are there for a good reason.

Even better is believing that you can hear your body’s signals and marry them with your powerful brain to come up with an integrated solution that’s mature, complimentary and advantageous for all.

Who wants in on that?

Here’s how it’s done.

You give your body’s signals – your emotions and your nervous system responses – a seat at the table.

Doesn’t have to be the HEAD of the table – that’s YOUR spot.

But certainly, a seat.

You stand there in charge, over seeing it all from the head of the table and you give your body’s signals an audience.

Which is just as regal as it sounds because YOU are the Queen Bee of your life and your marriage.

Try on what it might be like to think of yourself that way.

For just a minute – you put away the books and magazines and charts so you can read your body’s wisdom on purpose instead:

What is my body telling me and why?

If there was a good reason for this feeling right now, what would it be?

Sometimes my clients have a hard time with this because they don’t want to be dramatic.

I always wonder why.

I think it’s the BEST possible strategy to be the Meryl Streep of your own experience and let all the drama in to be heard – really I do.

It’s important to be dramatic at times because that’s the quickest way to the truth – at least what you’re thinking could possibly true.

Looking the other way doesn’t actually stop you from thinking the “dramatic” thing.

Looking the other way is kinda like leaving a toddler alone in the pantry. You look away from that kid for one second and you’ve got syrup and flour and chocolate chips all over the floor and all over the kid.

Pretending the kid isn’t there doesn’t put the kid to sleep.

Nope.

Pretending the kid isn’t there just guarantees a sticky, slimely, poweder-y mess that takes hours to clean.

Same with your thinking.

It’s most efficient to look directly at what’s actually rattling around in your head so that you can consciously decide what to put in a high chair, what needs a nap and what actually belongs to your neighbor or mother or that mean girl from the third grade.

Everyone has dramatic feelings when they are fully honest – and being fully honest will naturally release some energy from the drama, especially when it’s heard with compassion.

Let’s do that. You in?

Because having compassion allows you to stay in connection with yourself even when you’re feeling bad.

The “feeling bad” part is actually a form of adaptive survival at work. Good job you.

Of course It’s tough to let go of a painful story – especially if you don’t yet have what you need to replace it… which you couldn’t possibly have if you’ve been ignoring the need.

When you are willing to acknowledge the need head on with curiosity, the replacement becomes easy to identify and create – which is why it’s so important to allow yourself to FULLY know what the actual mess is.

Do you need a mop? A shovel? A blanket?

That depends on the job – and you’ll know more about the job when you allow your body AND your brain to give you all the clues.

When you’ve got all the clues, it’s so much easier to answer this useful question:

How can I use what my body is saying to get what’s needed in a way that aligns with who I want to be?

Gathering clues can be tough at first – especially if you’re used to swatting the clues away because you’re used to believing your body’s messages are “irrelevant” or “inconvenient” or “selfish” or “immature”.

Because you’re probably used to swatting away your body’s clues, it can be SUPER helpful to have a body-based healing expert help you reorient to your body’s wisdom.

That’s why I invite a body-based specialist to join us in The Defying Gravity Revolution Hive every month.

We take it slow and ease into all kinds of healing, reconnecting options.

Breath Work. Somatic healing. Sound baths. Meditation. Energy Clearing. Tapping.

Because paying attention to your body’s responses allows room for your brain to have more resources.

If your body is afraid of something or anticipates an unpleasant reaction – you’ll be blocked in your capacity for creative problem-solving.

Taking the time to hear your body out – making room for it to soothe and relax – all of that effort makes your brain a more efficient tool because you’re not spending ANY brain energy fighting with your gut.

Instead, you soften any tension in your body with love and attention – so your body is then willing to come along with your brain to the places it really wants to go.

So try out consciously choosing to acknowledge what feels true to you – with no hurry to change it.

You don’t have to act on any truth you see
You don’t have to create implications for yourself to consider
You just use cues from your body to tell the truth and let it be

Healing in marriage can sometimes feel like playing the slow game.

Maybe it is.

And I think the slow game has an undeserved bad rap.

Because remember, the tortoise beat the hare.

Think about how blazing through an art gallery keeps you from noticing the beauty of each piece.

Remember that you don’t have to rush through you.

You deserve better than that.

And I challenge you, Bee – to give yourself better this week.

Take it slow. Notice your body’s messages and spend at least 30 extra seconds wondering – if there was a good reason for what I’m feeling right now… what would that be?

Choose courage, Bee and keep on flying!