The first time I show one of my Bees how her husband’s behavior isn’t in charge of her feelings, she almost always responds with some silence, some side eye and then some version of the phrase… “but… it effects me.”
I always answer with, “Totally.”
Then she gives me more side eye.
I go on to explain that OF COURSE your husband’s choices, words and behavior effect you. OF COURSE THEY DO. The trick is – YOU get to decide HOW his choices, words and behavior effect you.
Listen in this week to find out how to choose on purpose – every time.
Mentioned in this Episode
Bonus Resources
- Check out the Defying Gravity Revolution – a Candice-led community of Bees committed to stop wondering if they married the wrong guy so they can enjoy the marriage they imagined when they said “I do.”
- Grab your free e-copy of “Wife on Purpose” and the companion workbook HERE
- If you’re a coach who wants to up the trauma-informed factor in your sessions and your business, join the Trauma-Informed coaching interest list HERE.
- Follow Candice on Instagram and Facebook
Episode Transcript
‘s Up, Bees?!
When my first coach declared that my husband wasn’t in charge of my feelings I turned her podcast right off and didn’t listen to her again for months.
I was like, OH REALLY? He does this. And this…
Of course he’s in charge of my feelings.
Of course he can make me happy.
And by the way… he should want to make me happy. It’s right there in the “happily ever after” part of the story.
If he’s not going to be interested in my happiness and me in his… what is even the point?
Suffice it to say, I was not impressed with her line of thinking.
Four years later, I still think it’s sort of ridiculous to say that husbands don’t have any power of the way we feel.
So I get it if my clients aren’t super stoked when I tell them the same thing my first coach told me.
The first time I show one of my Bees how her husband’s behavior isn’t in charge of her feelings, she almost always responds with some silence, some side eye and then some version of the phrase… “but… it effects me.”
I always answer with, “Totally.” ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Then she gives me more side eye.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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I go on to explain that OF COURSE your husband’s choices, words and behavior effect you.
OF COURSE THEY DO. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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But the trick is – YOU get to decide HOW his choices, words and behavior effect you.
That choice is available to you. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Every single time.
And I suggest you make the choice consciously – every single time. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Because knowing that you can consciously choose your emotional state no matter what he’s doing unlocks your superpowers.
It’s the magic key to the marital universe.
And that’s not all…
Sometimes a client will think I mean that since she HAS a choice about how her husband’s words and deeds will effect her, she SHOULD choose to be happy or excited or appreciative or supportive all of the time. No matter what.
That is NOT what I am saying. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
That… is bonkers.
It’s still true that you ALWAYS choose how your husbands’ behavior and words will land for you. That’s the only rule: you ALWAYS choose.
There are no rules about what you SHOULD choose. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
The rule is just that you ARE choosing. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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All choices are on the table. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
All choices are valid. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Sad. Hurt. Happy. Excited. Pissed. Surprised. Disappointed. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
The list goes on. Forever. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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YOU gets to choose which emotional experience feels like the right response in the moment.
Then, if you decide you don’t want that emotional experience anymore, the BEST NEWS is that you have full freedom to choose another one.
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YOU also have full freedom to stay parked in that first emotion. Forever.
Point is – it’s up to YOU. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Your husband isn’t in charge of your feelings.
You don’t want him to be.
Trust me.
You don’t want the power to change your emotional world to be resting with the same guy who hasn’t checked that thing off his honey do list from six months ago.
You and I both know that waiting on him could mean waiting a LOT longer than you want to be waiting.
Also – that doesn’t mean you don’t have any expectations of him or of your life together.
Of course you will.
And the more you tell the truth about your expectations – to yourself and to him – the more likely it is that your expectations will be met.
Let’s look at some examples.
I’d love for my husband to clean out his side of the closet. It’d be great if he’d throw out or donate the clothes he doesn’t wear.
And he’s very SLOW to follow through.
Every time I look in our closet I have opportunity to use his overflowing side as a reason to be annoyed or feel disrespected.
But I don’t want to feel annoyed and disrespected.
I also don’t care enough about his closet to ruin my day over it.
So I choose – on purpose – to close the closet door and go on my merry way… even when my brain whispers the suggestion that I should feel bad because he’s not following through on something I asked him to do.
I could feel bad. But I don’t want to. So I don’t.
I dropped my expectation that he clean out his clothes – cuz it wasn’t really worth it to me.
I did NOT drop my expectation that our dog not pee on our brand new carpet.
She’s an old, old, sick-ish dog that we’ve had for over 12 years.
She’s leaky. I don’t love it.
I have the expectation that the doors to the rooms with new carpet stay closed and that she wear doggie diapers at night and the he be the one to get up in the middle of the night to take her out.
AND – he rarely puts a diaper on her.
AND – sometimes I’m the one who has to get up with her in the night.
Sometimes I use that as a reason to be annoyed – on purpose.
Protecting our brand new flooring is important to me – so it’s worth it to me to have an uncomfortable conversation with husband every time my expectations around diapers and doors aren’t being met.
Doesn’t mean that he’s 100% effective in meeting my expectations.
He isn’t.
That’s not my favorite.
But I know that MY job is to enforce expectations that matter to me – from a place of love and collaboration as often as I can… and from a place of irritation when I can’t.
There’s room for all of it.
I love me – even when I get annoyed.
I love him, usually, and even when he doesn’t diaper the dog.
I’ll remind him to do it – every time… because I’m allowed to have expectations in my marriage.
You are too.
Please know that my coaching philosophy is NOT – create your own happiness no matter what your husband does because he’s not in charge of your feelings so his behavior doesn’t matter.
Again – that’s bonkers.
I’m more of the mind that – you create your own happiness as often as you want to no matter what your husband does because he’s not in charge of your feelings
AND
you can definitely influence the things he does by what you will and won’t allow for – which is the part that’s sometimes missed in coaching land.
It’s still true that you can’t change his behavior.
It’s also true that OF COURSE you’re going to have expecteations and advocate for them all day long.
You just aren’t going to hang your emotional hat on whether or not he complies with your expectations.
You’re going to stay willing to discuss what matters to you as often as it takes.
Doesn’t mean you have to drop any expectation that you really want to keep.
Simply means you continue advocating for what you want and exploring together why it’s not happening.
Assume that your desires matter and that you two are sitting on the same side of the table – ALWAYS.
From that vantage point, it’s so much easier to be confused rather than alarmed when something doesn’t line up with what you’ve decided to expect.
Sounds like – “Huh… looks like an undiapered dog bottom over there… which I know can’t be the case, because we definitely agreed that she’d be diapered at night. What happened there, babe?”
Make it fun – cuz… that’s more fun. And it’s easier to make it fun when you KNOW that your expectations are allowed and your expectations are something to be honored and advocated for.
That’s how we do, Bees.
Choose courage and KEEP on flying!
