Episode 26 – Brain Hacks

‘s Up, Bees?!

Check. Us. Out.

We’ve been in this together – managing our minds for 25 episodes now. That’s a FULL quarter of a year that we’ve been coming together to create the marriage you imagined when you said “I do”.

And here’s what I’ve got for you with episode 26.

Don’t you sometimes wish all this paying attention to your brain and driving your thoughts on purpose was just a LITTLE bit easier?

Me. Too.

So let’s make that happen. Right now. Today.

We’re here today to talk brain hacks.

You’ve probably heard the word “hack” tossed around on the interwebs and in your gal pal circles… but what exactly does it mean?

Did you know that the word “hack” is derived from the British term “hackneyed”, meaning “overused and thus cheapened, or trite”?

In writing circles – and maybe this is true in other professional skill communities as well – you call someone a “hack” when they aren’t particularly good at what they are trying to do.

Seems like “hack” isn’t meant as a terribly flattering term, so why in the world would I devote an entire episode to sharing four brain hacks with you?

I’m glad you asked.

The reason is simple.

I’ll borrow from the slang dictionary’s definition to tell you that a “hack” is a “strategy to handle or cope with a situation or an assignment adequately and calmly.”

Handling and coping.

Not perfectly. Adequately. Not blissfully. Calmly.

That’s all we really need in the mind management world – handling and coping – adequately and calmly.

Mind management is a LIFE LONG pursuit, so we’re going to pace ourselves and allow incremental wins all along the way – without requiring perfection. Not ever.

A lot of my Bees – my clients – seem to have the expectation that if they work hard enough at this mind management skill set, then they’ll stop having a human experience on this Earth.

While it may seem like bad news – I want to offer you the relief of knowing that – no matter how much thought work you do – you’re always going to be a human. With human emotions popping up as you interact with your husband.

Those emotions are NOT a problem that we are trying to solve.

Again – your emotions are NOT a problem. We aren’t here to solve them.

We are HERE to help you listen to your emotions in a way that serves you and your ultimate relationship goals.

The brain hacks I’m about to share are supportive measures that’ll help you cope through the rough patches as you uplevel your connection with yourself and with your husband.

Handling and coping. Adequately and calmly.

Even if you’re freaking out at time – you can be calm as you notice the freak out. Because you know freaking out is part of the human experience.

So grab your notebook or a nearby napkin and jot down these hacks in your best chicken scratch. No perfect penmanship needed.

Then plan to try them out with a scientist’s perspective – being curious and gathering data, without any judgement about your finding.

Lastly, send me an email – candice@candicetoone.com – and tell me all about how your experiment turned out.

Could be so fun. And I hope you let it be.

Hack #1: Consciously identify the problem you want your brain to solve.

Brains love to solve problems. That’s their whole mission in life. So make sure you task your brain to work on a problem you want the solution to.

For example – if you ask your brain to solve the painful sounding problem of why your husband doesn’t listen to you when you tell him a story, your brain is going to feed you a painful sounding solution like: maybe you’re too boring, maybe he’s a jerk, maybe the marriage is doomed and you don’t have anything in common anymore.

No. Thanks.

Instead – ask your brain to solve a problem with possibility. Ask your brain, “How can I create connection with my husband at the end of the day?” Because that’s really what you were going for when you wanted him to listen to your story, right? Him listening to you is ONE way to create connection, but it isn’t the ONLY way – so have your brain go to work identifying ALL the options that lead to connection, pick one and pursue it. Feels so much better than cataloguing all of the reasons your marriage might be doomed.

Hack #2: Focus on what you’re already sure of instead of spinning in all your doubts.

Brains are wired to look for danger. They HAVE to keep an ongoing inventory of things that might hurt or kill you because the brain’s purpose in your life is to keep you alive. So… it makes perfect sense if your brain tends to set up shop in the land of doubtfulness – sounds like maybe we won’t ever take a trip again, maybe he’s looking at his office manager more than me, maybe he’s always going to be harsh with the kids… and on and on.

The brain warns you about all of that because it doesn’t want you to get blindsided by danger. It’s just trying to help you avoid pain. Thanks, brain.

And… the unintended consequence of all that vigilance is that you actually end up in low-grade pain most of the time. Because you’re worrying and wondering and unsettled.

How to help yourself out? Focus on what you already know and what is easy to believe – then build from there.

Instead of wondering whether you’ll ever travel together again, gather some data: How much do we have saved? How much would we need to go? What’s the time off/child care/pet care situation like? What would it need to be like? What do I know about myself and my resourcefulness? Who in my network can help me answer all of these questions? Where would I like to go? How can I make that happen? What do I know about him and about me that I can use to set us up for a productive conversation about travel plans?

Instead of dreaming up scenarios about what’s happening in his office, remind yourself of the comforting things that are true about the two of you. Like – I know he’s committed to our family. I know he wouldn’t intentionally hurt me. I know our relationship can stand open conversations about my concerns. I believe in my ability to take care of myself and my family no matter what. I know if XXX proves to be true then I would do YYY.

Focusing on what you do know and what you can control shows you even more areas where you are already more competent and powerful than you realized – where the solutions are actually simpler than you originally thought. So freeing to purposefully look at things that way.

Hack #3: Without judgement, observe your automatic responses to yourself.

Before I found thought work, I simply didn’t recognize my brain’s tendency respond to me in painful ways, like: if there was an opportunity for someone to get the short end of the stick – the smallest treat, the least comfortable seat, the most hated chore – I made sure that someone was me. I thought it was preferred to suffer myself rather than have my family or friends “suffer” in any way.

Sounds noble, but if I’m honest – got more and more tiring with each passing year.

Before thought work, I also didn’t see how many times A DAY I told myself no. No, you can’t stop, there’s still work to do. No, you can’t ask for help – they have their own stuff. No, you can’t buy that – then yes to anything my kids even kinda needed. When I first found thought work, I once counted 86 nos from me to me in ONE SINGLE DAY. No wonder I was feeling ignored and neglected back then. It was ME doing the neglecting and I didn’t even realize it.

80% of the work we do here on this podcast and in the Defying Gravity Revolution is just noticing our automatic thinking and then reminding ourselves that our feelings of worry, shame and pain make sense given what’s rattling around in our heads.

We aren’t mad at our brains for doing what brains do – we just notice and appreciate the good intentions our brains have for our safety. Then we come together to find safety in kinder, more adaptive ways.

Hack #4: Celebrate on purpose – because there’s no such thing as a small win.

Ever heard a women receive a compliment by saying, “Yes, but I didn’t…” and then redirect the conversation to highlight her shortcomings or flaws?

Why do we do this?

I think it’s because we don’t want to seem vain or arrogant – but I’m tired of that, aren’t you?

I want to live in a world where women can be outrageously proud of themselves, out loud, on purpose and everyone around them responds with cheers and a round of high fives.

Not because that particular woman is more amazing than the others, but because celebration is the mother of momentum.

Really. It is.

It feels awesome to have our talents and efforts recognized. Best news is – recognition is an unlimited resource. There’s plenty to go around. And when it goes around, we’ll all have more to celebrate.

So – be that woman in your life. The one who shouts her wins from the rooftops only to turn around and happy dance with her neighbor for HER achievements.

You loaded the dishwasher? That’s RIGHT you did.

Picked up your dog from the vet? Crushing. It.

Scored a promotion at work? Of course they picked you.

Didn’t scream at the customer service rep? Get it, girl!

The size of the accomplishment matters much less than the sentiment. When you allow room for you to win, you’ll find the motivation to keep on winning – for you, for him, for your family.

Your friends will take notice and then THEY will start winning even more too.

Cuz’ it’s contagious. Your wins pave the way for other people’s wins. There’s room for EVERYONE on the road to success. And it’s a party on the way, if you’ll let it be.

All you gotta do is RSVP.

I would love it if you’d flooded my inbox with amazing stories of what you are doing in YOUR life and marriage – could be literally anything: “I wore matching socks today” or “I chaired an international committee meeting” or anything else that you want to celebrate, because WHY. NOT?

And there you have it – four brain hacks to make your marriage more of what you want it to be:

Hack #1: Consciously identify the problem you want your brain to solve.
Hack #2: Focus on what you’re already sure of instead of spinning in all your doubts.
Hack #3: Without judgement, observe your automatic responses to yourself.
Hack #4: Celebrate on purpose – because there’s no such thing as a small win.

If you want to build on those hacks to show yourself how powerful you can be in creating the exact marriage you want – you’ve gotta join us for my free workshop “Lucky in Love”.

We’ll meet together and workshop every day, March 13-17 from 11a-12noon MT.

Your job will be to bring something you want in your marriage, but don’t yet have OR something you have in your marriage and don’t want anymore – then dig in with us to make it so in those 5 days.

Because once you proven to yourself how powerful you are, you’ll create even more of what you want in your marriage – over and over again – for the rest of your life. What a fun and challenging adventure THAT would be.

Creation is a skill, but it’s one YOU can definitely learn.

So RSVP – it’s all linked in the show notes – for five free days of marriage making over. Because you deserve to be happy in time to TRULY celebrate your next wedding anniversary.

Let’s make it happen.

Go to www.candicetoone.com/podcast – click episode 26 for the show notes, then register for “Lucky in Love”.

Can’t wait to meet you.

Choose courage, Bee and keep on flying!