Episode 29 – Being Wrong is the Best

‘s Up, Bees?!

Being wrong is the BEST.

Who agrees?

I’m guessing that not many of you are raising your hands right now.

Why?

Probably because humans generally think of being wrong as a bad thing.

Means that we’re foolish or shortsighted or embarrassing or caused a problem in some way.

To be fair, that’s sometimes true.

To be honest, it isn’t always. Maybe not even often.

Being wrong is only a problem if we make it one by telling an embarrassing, shame-filled story about ourselves in our “wrongness”.

Good news is – it’s also an option to accept that you didn’t know what you didn’t know, allow for the truth that you were doing your best and leave space for the new information to sink in and have a useful impact.

Take this example – imagine that you saved up for MONTHS to buy tickets to your favorite artist’s concert. It’s a big tour – super entertaining. Lots of people want in.

You saved the money, beat the online lottery and you’ve got seats!

You and your five best friends, living it up in an epic girls night out.

Dinner before. Dressed to the nines. The whole bit.

You get to the concert venue, show your tickets to the usher and are escorted to your place.

You and your ladies settle in to the space – enjoying the company and the anticipation.

So fun.

Then, partway through the opening act – another usher approaches, whips out her flashlight and asks to see your tickets.

Turns out… you’re in the wrong seats.

What’s your gut reaction?

Embarrassment? Confusion? Anger? Defensiveness?

Whatever it is – put it on hold for just a second while I tell you the rest of the story.

This usher has come to tell you that you and your friends actually have FLOOR seats. What???

Floor seats that come with VIP backstage passes and super awesome swag bags. Wahoo!

What’s your gut reaction now?

Surprise? Excitement? Gratitude? Disbelief?

You hop up, gather your stuff and your girls.

You head down, down, down til you can pretty much touch the stage.

There’s free refreshments waiting and photo ops and it’s even more than you imagined you could have for your girls night. You take all the selfies and you LIVE. IT. UP.

Now… check in… are you still thinking it’s TERRIBLE to be wrong?

It’s still an option to beat yourself up for misreading the tickets and forcing your friends to move all that way after they’d already gotten settled where they were.

You might feel tempted to worry about the usher and the confusion you caused. You could sink in to shame thinking about the extra work the usher had to do and stress about the people who were SUPPOSED to be in the seats at the back and got displaced because of your error. You were in their way after all. How stupid of you.

But… you probably wouldn’t tell the story that way. Why? Because it’s so much more fun to focus on the fun and good fortune and let yourself enjoy the experience.

There’s no good reason to spend a second thought on the less desirable seats you left behind.

In the case of these upgraded tickets, it’s easy to see how AMAZING it is to be wrong because being wrong got you an even better experience.

So of course it’s easy to accept that you didn’t read the tickets right – even though you were doing your best – and then make adjustments to enjoy your new seat number.

Easy. Peesy.

Such great news.

That same kind of openness to being wrong is available in the day-day of your marriage, but I would bet it’s not as obvious as it was in the ticket example.

There’s no usher telling you that you’re sitting in a spot that’s less comfy than the one you thought was printed on your ticket.

No usher – that is – except me.

Because I’m here to read your ticket right now and double check that you’re sitting in the place meant for you.

I’ve got my flashlight out.

All you’ve gotta do is show me your ticket, so we can read your seat assignment together.

If I found you sitting in section: He doesn’t care about what’s important to me, Row: I’ll never be able to do what I want in this marriage, Seat: It’s his way or no way… I’m so thrilled to tell you that that seat is not meant for you.

Same goes if you’re sitting in section: I’m all alone here, Row: He doesn’t listen, Seat: We’ll never get past this.

I know those seats feel familiar.

You might have been keeping them warm for quite a while – you’re settled in.

But you actually belong in section: We are a team, Row: We can do anything, Seat: He loves me madly.

As I read off your intended seat assignment, what comes up in your brain? In your body?

Some of you are for sure giving me side eye.

You feel pulled to tell me that I’ve got the wrong girl.

Maybe you even want to argue for why “He doesn’t care about me” is the place for you.

Why is that pull there?

Simple reason – it feels safe. Familiar. If you already “know” that he doesn’t care about you, there’s nowhere to fall from there. It’s already as bad as it can get, so you don’t have to worry about things getting worse.

I hear you if it feels scary or strange to open up to the idea that you could be wrong about him not caring. Your brain wants to be right because right feels safe.

Your brain wants you to stay alive. It NEEDS to be efficient – so it’ll choose the familiar belief every time – even if familiar is actually painful.

So fascinating, right?

We don’t want the pain of finding out something lovely wasn’t true, so we accept the pain of believing in something we really don’t want.

It’s weird when you take a closer look like that.

Believing he cares about you and loves you madly brings vulnerability with it, so you choose the familiarity of believing he doesn’t.

Cuz then you’ll know what to expect.

Trouble is – you’re expecting something you’d rather not have AND something that might not be true. Probably isn’t.

Which doesn’t REALLY make sense when you slow it down and hold it all up next to the life you want to be living.

Fear lives in the future and robs TODAY of it’s strength, it’s creativity and it’s wonderful unfolding.

If you’ve already decided that you belong in section: “we don’t know each other anymore” row: “emotionally unavailable” seat: “he only wants sex.” – that where you’re probably gonna stay.

Which is kindof a bummer, dontcha think?

The way I see it, you’ve got a choice – All day. Every day.
Double down on being right about something that is definitely painful:

He doesn’t love me
This will never change
We just can’t discuss that

OR open up to the wonder of being wrong and settle into the pleasure of believing:

He loves me madly
Anything is possible
We are a team in every way

What might it be like to embrace being wrong about things you think are true, but hope aren’t?

To be wrong that he doesn’t see you or what matters to you and to discover that he actually loves you madly and wants to know what’s going on in your life and in your brain?

How would it be to be wrong that you’re too set in your ways for things to change and to open up a new world of relating that exceeds your wildest dreams?

Think about it.

You can be right and miserable OR wrong and ecstatic.

Your call.

I can help you embrace being wrong when it’ll make your marriage feel right if you want me to.

For the first time ever, I’m hosting a “Conversation Collaborative” – a workshop experience where we’ll dissect your specific conversations and uncover where you’ve been reinforcing painful beliefs that you’d really rather be wrong about.

The most common questions my clients ask me are: “How do I talk to him about X? What am I supposed to respond with when he says Y?”

I always ask my clients a few questions to get a sense of the situation, then I tell them what I would say. They almost universally respond with something like:

You make it sound easy.
When you said it… it sounds so much better!
Can you just come with me and sit on my shoulder?

For the first time ever, the answer is YES!

I’m creating a brand new resource for my Bees and I want YOU to help me do it.

I’m inviting 20 or so Bees to join with me in workshopping their specific conversations – in written format.

We’ll study your conversation patterns and hone your choices so that you knock all future conversations out of the park from now until forever.

I want YOU to see exactly where things went wrong and WHY they did so you can generalize those concepts to every conversation you’ll ever have with your honey.

If you want to get in on that magic, make sure you’re on my Watch Me Wednesday mailing list.

That’s where I deliver a weekly dose of how to NOT care what humans think is impossible – every single Wednesday.

It’s also the way to get EXCLUSIVE, FIRST-DIBS access to all of the goings-on in The Hive.

Like this brand new opportunity – “Conversations Collaborative”.

Even more good news?

Not only will you be in the know when you subscribe to the Watch Me Wednesday newsletter – you’ll ALSO get my free mini course on “How to enjoy the marriage you imagined when you said “I do” – it’s four short lessons sent to your inbox on a manageable, implementable pace.

Do yourself that favor THIS week – grab the course and then keep an eye out for MORE information on the Conversations Collaborative – the nuts and bolts experience that will FOREVER change how you connect to your guy… in the best, most efficient way possible.

All you gotta do right now is head on over to www.candicetoone.com – then claim the free course by clicking the gold button on the top right. It says “Get the free course” – you can’t miss it.

Take that one easy first step of enrolling in the free course and get ready for a lifetime of feeling closer to your man and the dreams you’re creating together.

Choose courage, Bee and keep on flying!