You really don’t have to believe everything you think. Not even if everyone around you thinks the same exact things. Because there are very few objective truths in the world and it’s up to YOU to choose the “truths” that work best for you.
Listen in this week for tips on how to spot “truths” that might not be. You’ll also find support for purposefully selecting beliefs that take your marriage where you want it to go.
Mentioned in this Episode
Everybody was Kung Fu fighting by Carl Douglas
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‘s Up, Bees?!
I’m here today talking about how we sometimes trick ourselves into believing things that SEEM true, but – upon closer inspection – actually aren’t.
They are just things we’ve heard a lot, so we kinda slip in to believing they are facts.
All of us do this.
It isn’t all bad.
But sometimes it’s not so great.
Because believing things that aren’t totally true can lead you to making snap decisions that feel right in the moment but actually move you away from your long term goals.
Us Bees don’t got time for that.
Especially not when it comes to important relationships – like your marriage.
Bees are truth seekers for our OWN sake. We give ourselves the best, most accurate information so we can make the most solid decisions.
Now that you’re a Bee too – we adopted you when you started listening to this podcast – you’re in the business of enjoying the marriage you imagined when you said “I do” and building on a foundation of partial truths just won’t get you there.
I’m not talking so much about overt, purposeful deceit here.
I’m more pointing to little generalizations or slight exaggerations that feel right, but actually aren’t accurate.
Let’s take a benign example to illustrate.
I imagine you’ve heard Carl Douglas’ song, “Kung Fu Fighting”. If not, click into the show notes once you’re done listening and enjoy that treat of a music video.
When you listen, you’ll hear the line: “Everybody was Kung Fu fighting. HA!”
For decades, most people accepted that lyric as a plausible truth. No one really bothered to check the validity of the claim. We all just went with Douglas’ assertion and danced along.
Are you picturing yourself at a school dance in a crepe paper filled gym?
And you look good.
Anyway, years after I first heard the song, I saw a T-shirt printed with the graphic: “Surely not everyone was Kung Fu fighting.” across the front. I laughed right out loud and bought the shirt immediately.
I still wear it to my Jiu Jitsu classes to this day.
The point is, all of us tell ourselves things – all day long – that aren’t completely true.
We don’t mean to.
It’s not that we’re trying to deceive ourselves or anyone else.
It’s more like – it feels good to go along with the crowd. Brains like familiarity. So we all go on believing things like:
Mother-in Laws love to babysit.
Of course we have sex at the end of date night.
Laundry gets folded and put away once it’s washed.
It’s best to pay off your credit card balance every month.
Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting.
It all sounds lovely. Like simple descriptions of the way a “best life” would go.
But it’s all poison.
Because when he doesn’t come on to you when you get back home after dinner and a movie, your brain is going to tell you something’s gone wrong.
Or when laundry sits in the basket for a week instead of making it back to the drawers, your brain might tell you that someone’s not doing their job correctly.
Believing in absolute statements that are only partially true – and maybe not even true at all – always leads to pain.
Because none of it is going the way you thought it was “supposed to” go.
Fortunately, there’s another way.
A way we’re going to explore RIGHT NOW.
It goes like this:
You purposefully remind yourself about the whole truth as often as you can. Might sound like this:
Some Mother-in Laws love to babysit. Others will when asked. Others give a hard pass.
Sometimes we’ll have sex at the end of date night. Other times, we’ll be tired or
distracted or maybe we just overate and aren’t feeling it so much. None of that has to
mean anything about either of us or about our marriage.
I love when laundry gets folded and put away once it’s washed. I also know that sometimes there are other things going on and laundry might wait. I don’t have to like it. I also don’t need to be mean to myself or anyone else about it.
I want to pay off your credit card balance every month AND sometimes I’m willing to carry a balance for a purchase that was important to us. I can also feel disappointed if we overspend without hating myself in the process.
Surely not everyone was Kung Fu Fighting.
Telling yourself the whole truth makes it possible for you to get a leg up on the unconscious programming that was bred into your brain as you watched movies, read books, listened to songs and paid attention to the relationships around you.
As you did observed the way other people interacted AND felt what it was like to be involved with those interactions yourself, your brain made up a bunch of rules in an effort to keep you safe and happy.
Sometimes those rules work out great and sometimes they really don’t.
Either way, purposefully becoming conscious of your previously unquestioned beliefs about the world will help you decide if you really want to keep the rules you have for him, for yourself and for the relationship.
Some rules you’ll stick with – for sure. That’s your prerogative. Because you’re in charge of your life and all of your relationships.
So you might decide to bend some of your previously held rules a bit.
And maybe you’ll throw some out entirely with a giant sigh of relief.
One of my happiest moments was the day I decided it was actually okay to hire a housekeeper. I ditched the idea that it made me lazy if someone else cleaned my home and now I have more time to do the things I love AND I’m supporting another women as she builds her small business. Win. Win.
There are LOTS of approaches to married life. TONS of beliefs about what should and shouldn’t happen and when and why.
The key is to know which beliefs you’re operating from and if you like your reasons for setting things up that way.
Do yourself the favor of becoming fully aware of whether you’re basing your decisions and habits on something that’s actually true.
If everybody is Kung Fu fighting – well… then I guess you have to too.
But what if you don’t like martial arts? Or you’re a pacifist?
Surely not EVERYONE was Kung Fu fighting. What’s way more likely is that lots of people were but some people were watching the fight or others were sleeping and some were maybe even off on a hike in the mountains somewhere completely unaware of Kung Fu at all.
If that’s the case – which it almost certainly is – then you’ve got a whole lot more freedom of choice. More power to direct your life.
Of course you want that.
So be curious Bees. Remember that you don’t have to believe everything you think.
Taking a second look and giving things a second thought is always an option.
An option that’s yours for the taking so you can be purposeful about the marriage your creating.
Choose courage, Bees and keep on flying!