Episode 36 – Trauma

‘s Up, Bees?!

As many of you know, I was a marriage and family therapist before I became a master certified life coach.

You might NOT know that in addition to hosting the Defying Gravity Revolution, I also host a trauma-informed community for life coaches.

The two roles pair beautifully because there is a LOT of trauma that occurs in the context of relationships – marriage and other kinds of relationships too.

Of course there’s trauma OUTSIDE of relationships as well – war, car accidents, medical diagnosis, animal attacks, hostage situations, getting fired… and many other things.

We aren’t focusing on all that today.

We’re going to focus on trauma in romantic relationships here today because this is a podcast aimed at helping YOU enJOY your marriage more.

Please know that this episode is NOT intended to be a comprehensive discussion of all the many and varied ways that trauma might touch your life. We’re only talking about how trauma responses can bring you closer to or push you further away from your guy.

You with me?

Okay.

Now – in my trauma community for coaches, I’m often asked how to tell if something is “really” trauma or not.

I think this is a curious question because there’s REALLY NO definitive answer – at least not by my definition.

Trauma – in its simplest form – is a disconnection. From someone you love. From something you expected. From yourself. From anything you wanted, needed or hoped for.

When we define trauma as a “disconnection” – which we’ll do for the duration of this episode and forever in my communities – it’s easy to see how the question of whether something is “really” trauma or not isn’t the most useful question to ask.

Why not?

Because each person gets to decide what felt like a “disconnection” to them and we don’t want to invite further disconnection by indirectly implying OR directly suggesting that anyone’s sense of “disconnection” isn’t valid or can’t be trusted.

Any implication and suggestion along those lines will more than likely serve to disconnect the person from their own sense of reality OR disconnect them from you OR both.

When any of that is the case, no one wins.

So… my suggestion is – instead of trying to decide whether something you feel or something your husband feels is “really” trauma or not – just listen instead.

To yourself. To him.

Assume you know what you’re feeling and that he knows what he’s feeling too.

Go for connection by hearing yourself out. By hearing him out.

Also know that hearing DOESN’T carry with it a contract to fix anything.

A lot of times being seen and heard is all that’s really needed.

AND

Help as much as you want to – so long as that feels like a connected course of action. If helping him feels like abandoning you… that’s NEVER what we are going for.

(go back and listen to episode 35 on the Pain Olympics if you want a reminder about how you can allow him to have his story without getting sucked into it)

The most connected place to be is hearing what’s true for him, honoring what’s true for you and making room for all of it.

More honesty all around = more connection and more connection always = more safety.

Remember, we’re not requiring ourselves to solve anything at this stage.

We’re just setting the pieces out on the table so everyone sees what’s at play.

No decisions or actions. Just room and space. And breathing.

Action comes later – if and when that feels like connection for ALL of the acting parties.

Because – again – trauma is essentially disconnection – from yourself, from your expectations, from your loved ones, from your body’s natural ability to care for and heal itself.

When things are hurting, let them hurt.

Not in a reactive, scream all night way.

Not in an avoidant, eat all the ice cream or buy all the shoes way.

In an HONEST way – where you listen and talk and hold on to each other for as long as it takes.

“This hurts.”

“I didn’t like that.”

“He wishes that weren’t this hard and it is.”

The more specific you can be about what hurts and why – the more healing you’ll find, even before you DO anything to make a change.

And consider this – maybe the very first change is DOING the work of making room for your story (and his) to see the light of day without melting into a puddle of fear and shame.

The first change is choosing to lovingly hear yourself (and him) in your stories without creating more damage by saying things you don’t mean or buying things you don’t need.

You just tell yourself the truth and have a cuddle (on your own OR with him) – that’s TRUE connection.

And it doesn’t require you to do much – other than to make room for humans to be humans in all the pain and grief that life brings… without adding in the blame and shame and hopelessness that you might be tempted to pile on.

Life is sometimes hard.

Often that’s no one’s fault.

And it’s still hard.

AND you two can handle it together. Really. Especially when you’re being honest with each other and slathering honesty with love… all along the way.

Now… you ready for a secret?

Lean in close…

The reason our emotions get SO BIG and SO PAINFUL is because we usually ignore them.

We push them away or discount them when they show up as small hints or in manageable messages.

We – especially as women – are taught to pretend that we don’t feel how we actually feel.

We live in a world that rewards us for being agreeable and pleasant and accommodating.

Sometimes those are awesome things to be.

But not so much awesome when being agreeable and pleasant and accommodating means that you have to lie to yourself and your loved ones about how you really feel.

Because it’s that lying that makes your feelings grow and fester.

It’s the pretending that gives rise to giant, out of control emotions that create the exact disconnection we really don’t want.

Like how a shaken up soda bottle explodes all over you or a rotted potato that’s been forgotten in the darkest corner of the pantry spoils the rest of the food.

The pressure and the rot build up until they cause – sometimes irreparable – damage.

Your emotions can do that too.

You’ve probably experienced it happening.

I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that you have a first hand example of how disconnecting with your reality ended up in a much messier mess that was a LOT tougher to clean up.

Of course, the clean up can still happen. 100%. Even with the messiest of messes.

But why not give yourself a little less to do by taking care of your connections all along the way?

Sounds a lot easier to me.

And easy is what YOU deserve.

So… to make it even easier to care for your connections, let’s review four simple things you can start watching for TODAY.

Four easy to spot things that’ll let you know when it’s time to slow down and reconnect with yourself or your guy.

Four things to keep your finger on so that you aren’t setting yourself up to deal with a stinky, gooshy potato in your proverbial pantry a couple months down the road.

You ready?

Grab a pen or just remind yourself that you can relisten to this podcast as often as you want to.

Whew.

Here’s how disconnection might be showing up between you and your guy:

1 – Fight

Sounds obvious. If you’re fighting, you’re less connected.

Maybe.

It depends on the tone of the fight.

If one or both of you is trying to win – to prove your side or disprove the other side. Then yup. The connection between the two of you is probably waning.

Curiosity is the cure.

Curiosity about what’s at stake if you “lose”.

Curiosity about why his side matters to him so much.

But fighting doesn’t only show up when you two have it out with each other.

Fighting also shows up as rigidity in how you’re trying to get things done. If you’re forcing yourself into a schedule or a budget or even a vacation destination… if what you’re doing has started to feel a bit like an army crawl… you might be in fighting mode.

When you notice that stiff, pushing yourself kind of experience – it’s your opportunity to get curious about why you chose that method and what’s at stake if you stop.

If you can answer those questions in a connected way that breathes some openness into the experience… carry on and fight the good fight.

If not, might be time to drop the weapons and take a breather until you reconnect with yourself and with what you’re really trying to accomplish.

2 – Flight

Again, might sound obvious. If you start something, but bail when things get uncomfortable… if you run away from conflict or abandon tasks you really want to finish… the connection factor is – obviously – less.

And… just like we’ve said before… curiosity is the cure.

What’s gonna happen if you stay engaged in a conversation with him? What’s at stake if you say exactly what you’re feeling in the moment? What’s the risk in sticking with a goal when it starts to feel challenging?

The strategy – as always – is to hear yourself out without judgement and see if there’s anything you can do to make connection to him or to your goal easier and more natural for you to sustain.

3 – Freeze

Similar to flight, freeze is a strategy you might use to avoid something scary. It’s like when prey pretend to be dead in hopes that the predator either won’t see them or will lose interest.

With flight, you start and then bail.

With freeze, you look the other way and never really get started at all.

And not starting leads to what? You guessed it – lower connection. To the goal, to the relationship, to whatever it is that you’re trying to accomplish.

As is becoming a pattern for us, curiosity is your friend here. Not angry curiosity, but the kind of curiosity a grandma might offer up.

Less – “what’s wrong with you?”

More – “what do you need here sweetie love?”

Tell me all about the scariest part here. What’s gonna happen if you bring that thing up? Help me understand what goes down if you take that first step on this goal.

Remember, grandmas – at least the version of grandma that would be cast in an after school special (which is the kind we are channeling here) – that kind of grandma loves you and backs you all the way.

Her support is never ending and her love is sure – no matter what you do.

It’s HER voice you want to have in your head when you embark on that curious questioning about why you’re fighting, flighting or freezing.

You in?

Same thing goes for 4 – Fawn

That’s when – because of fear and disconnection – you say things that aren’t really true and agree to things you’d rather not agree to.

People Pleasing and Fawning are interchangeable terms.

They are also REAL, LEGITIMATE responses to the sense of danger that comes with feeling disconnected.

You’ve been choosing to fawn because it seems to restore connection, at least initially – because the other person (husband) is usually happy that you’re doing what he wants you to do.

BUT

No one stays happy long term because when you’re always fawning, you’re also creating a DEEP disconnection with yourself.

It’s not your fault. You thought you were doing your relationship a favor.

And the disconnection is still happening.

When you’re disconnected from yourself, you get less of what you really want AND your husband misses out on getting to know you as you truly are and all of that, Bees… is a bummer for everyone.

Fight, Flight, Fawn and Freeze are all sparked by disconnection. By trauma in the relationship.

Either the relationship you have with you or the relationship you have with him.

Often both.

Good news is, you now know how to spot a disconnection.

Even better news, when you notice a disconnection – in the form of fight, flight, freeze or fawn – you can reassure yourself that you’ve got options.

You can feel bad about how your relationship is on the rocks (which is NOT what I recommend)

OR

You can congratulate yourself on your self-awareness (most people don’t even notice the disconnections at all – Check. You. Out.) and remind yourself that you know how to reconnect.

CURIOSITY.

EVERY TIME.

And if curiosity seems hard, don’t worry.

It makes sense that curiosity isn’t your go to response.

Women are used to being busy ignoring ourselves while we take care of everyone else.

It’s my theory that women are labeled as “more emotional” than men because we are socialized to ignore our own needs more often than men are.

Your body is designed to heal itself and expel its trauma – but society has taught us to stop or curb that natural, healing response.

Did you know that “hysteria” – which referenced the expression of natural human emotion – used to be an actual diagnosis that women were institutionalized for?

Puh-lease.

We’re done with that.

Instead, I invite you to notice and lovingly respond to the nigglings of your emotions from the right away.

No more disconnecting from you by talking yourself out of how you feel or trying to numb yourself away from what’s true about your experience.

It’s my mission to spread the message the there’s room enough in this world for EVERYONE – you AND him – to have their needs met. When we make room for that possibility, we make room for happier more connected marriages.

We can do all that together when you subscribe to and share this podcast.

Choose to be a woman who supports other women by spreading these messages of empowerment and freedom. Every. Single. Sunday.

All of us here in the Defying Gravity Revolution Hive thank you for helping to create a world where more women stop caring what humans think is impossible.

Choose courage, Bee and keep on flying!

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