Episode 40 – Wife on Purpose – Part 4

‘s Up, Bees?

Remember how – in Episode 11 – I promised that I’d read excerpts of my book WIFE ON PURPOSE aloud on the podcast?

And then I kept my promise in Episode 20 and Episode 30?

Well… it’s that time again. Every 10 episodes, you’ll get a mini audio book from my brain and mouth to your ears.

You’re. Welcome.

If you want the full version book, you can download a free eCopy (with the workbook) at www.candicetoone.com/resources

If you’re old fashioned like me and prefer the enticing smell of an ACTUAL book with flippable pages – search “Wife on Purpose” on Amazon and grab your copy there.

Either way – the full copy version is available to you whenever and however you want it.

Today, we’re reading from Hexagon Side Three.

Why Hexagon?

Because that’s the shape that Bees use to build their hives. It’s the most efficient way to fill up space and the way hexagons naturally fit together means that Bees have to use very little stickiness to keep the Hexagons bonded and stable.

Nice. Work. Bees.

The chapters in Wife on Purpose give you six suggestions for how to create your own six-sided hexagon of marital efficiency so that you can enjoy your marriage using a strategically decided amount of effort.

Everyone knows that marriage is work. But does anyone really know what kind?

Bees do.

And I only want you doing the kind of work that’ll make your marriage better.

None of the fluff.

I wrote Wife on Purpose because I’ve coached through hundreds of sessions with all kinds of clients from ALL over the world.

Through conversations with women from all walks of life and all lengths and styles of relationships, I came to identify a handful of themes that – no matter what – make marriage harder.

I want to make sure YOU’RE clear on what those poisonous patterns are so you can watch for and avoid them as often as possible

ALSO I’m here with my book to help you look for easy opportunities to do USEFUL things that’ll make a big shift in the way you relate to your guy.

Of course, NONE of the themes are universal and there will be variation in how the themes show up in your relationship.

Your job is to hear what’s being offered, take the parts that hit home for you and use the ideas to create a marriage you love to live in.

You in?

Good.

Now, on to the reading…

I’m starting at the bottom of page 40, and I’ll go to about the middle of page 43.

It reads…

What would it mean to be truly great in your marriage this year? Instead of just getting through it? Do you know? It’s okay, if you don’t. You wouldn’t be alone in that “not knowing” camp.
Because of the harrowing adventures that can come from sharing your life with someone who sometimes seems like a stranger, many of us are just keeping our heads down a lot of the time.
We’re trying to get through the day with as little pain as possible. There’s not always space for much more than that.

But what if there could be? What if you expected the challenges and welcomed them even?

I don’t know a lot about professional football. But I do know that those players voluntarily go through brutal workouts and grueling trainings – all season long every year. They do it because they want to make it to the Super Bowl, the annual pinnacle of professional football experience., They all sign up to take a beating, on purpose, because they believe a shot at playing in the big game makes everything else worth it. Then they do it again the next year and the next – even though the vast majority of them never actually make it to the playing field on Super Bowl Sunday. It’s so interesting.

What if we treated our marriages a bit more like that? I’m not saying that we should sign up to be physically polled. Please hear me on that. I am floating the idea that it could be fun to have a Super Bowl-esque type dream in mind for your marriage. A dream that sounds so awesome and fun and rewarding that you’d sign up on purpose to do the hard work and endure the heartache it takes to get there. Even if you didn’t get there as quickly as you wanted. Even if you never got there at all.

What dream is so beautiful and inspiring that you’d be willing to keep working for it no matter what it took?

Let’s start with just this year, the next 12 months. For just a couple of minutes, allow your brain to noodle on how you really, really want things to be between you and your husband. Imagine the reality you’d gladly work for. Get clear on your secret dream for your marriage.

You don’t have to tell me what it is. Just ask yourself and genuinely answer: Would you rather go down trying for that secret dream or live the rest of your life with exactly what you have right now? Essentially, would you rather lose the Super Bowl game or not play football at all?

Neither option is right or wrong. You’ll simply have a different experience of your life and your relationship based on that one choice – so be sure to make it on purpose.

My work affords me the great honor of helping women stop wondering if they married the wrong guy so they can put all that wondering energy to better use building the relationship of their dreams. Our goal is not to eliminate the problems altogether, but to increase the quality of the problems we’re seeking to solve. We aren’t going for no problems, we’re going for better problems. Because human brains are problem solving machines. Your brain is always going to be scanning your environment for something to sort out, so why not give it useful, dream-building problems on purpose?

For example, you can choose to endlessly wonder why you and your husband aren’t connecting like so many of your couple friends appear to be, or you could choose to figure out how to get your family on that European vacation that’s been on your vision board for ages. You can choose to keep track of how many promises he’s broken or you could figure out how to support yourself in feeling vulnerable when you open an honest discussion with him about what’s been left undone.

Notice that the first few challenges: lack of connection and a sense of distrust leave you passively spinning in pain. There’s not much risk in that space. You’re already feeling pretty awful. And maybe there is some comfort that comes with familiarity, some security that comes from believing you can’t fall much further. Just double check with yourself that that’s the type of comfort and security you want. You may know what to expect, but there’s also very little chance of creating a new experience from that space. The second two challenges: taking a vacation and deepening your purposeful connection and communication – those two require more from you. Those options demand that you take responsibility for what you’ve co-created with him. They compel you to get some skin in the game and put your heart on the line. Might sound terrifying, and I hear you. I also know that that road is the one with your dream goal at the end. It’s up to you if you want to start walking towards it to claim your prize.

Many people don’t dream because they don’t want to be disappointed. And what’s ironic is that not dreaming actually guarantees that you’ll end up with less than what you really want. It may seem like not dreaming equals not hurting. But what’s true is that you’re simply choosing to be disappointed at the starting line. You’re opting for the hurt that comes through living with unexplored possibilities, instead of the hurt that might come as you get out there and pursue your dream.

So remind yourself that the choice isn’t really between feeling disappointed or not feeling disappointed. The real choice is between feeling certain disappointment now, or possible disappointment later. Disappointment is part of the human experience. You can choose to feel it when you lose the Super Bowl or feel it because you didn’t even try out for the team. And hey, it’s also possible that you’ll actually win the Super Bowl and feel elated instead. Would that be worth it? Why or why not? Again, your answers matter less than your awareness of them. Because awareness leads to purposeful and purposefulness is the reason you and I are having this chat. No more passive passenger roll for you, Bee. You deserve way better than that.

Tell yourself the truth about the normal you are living and decide on purpose. If you’d like to dream beyond what you were used to experiencing. You’re awesome either way. Dreaming big, or not dreaming big won’t change how amazing you are as a human being, but it just may change your experience of your life and your relationship. Whether that’s worth it is up to you.
If you want some more help defining your dream so you can start training for your unique version of a marital SuperBowl win – mark your calendar to join me on Wednesday, July 19 @ 9:30a MT for a free masterclass on What to do with your husband’s bad mood.

Registration link is in the show notes for this episode.

Go to www.candicetoone.com/podcast and scroll to episode 40. The notes and link are waiting for you – right there.

You MUST register to get the connection information for the class.

You’re gonna want the connection information because YOU deserve the skill of managing your afternoon no matter what your husband’s mood is that day. You deserve to feel freedom and peace even if he’s flipping out.

It’s a skill to care about his feelings without dragging yourself down.

Every woman deserves that skill – especially you. So get on over to www.candicetoone.com/podcast and register. I’ll see you on the 19th.

Choose courage, Bee and Keep. On. Flying.