Episode 44 – The Call from Inside the House

‘s Up, Bees?!

I’ve been having a week for the last couple weeks and I’m not ashamed to say so.

Well… to be honest, I’m a little ashamed to say so – but I’m more committed to using honesty as a tool for freedom than I am to protecting my pride.

So there it is. I’ve been having a week for the last couple of weeks and I’m saying so today in the service of more freedom. For myself. For you.

Because I believe freedom comes from taking an honest look at what’s going on in your brain and offering yourself compassionate support about what you find in there.

Most of us aren’t very good at that, but we’re gonna practice together right now.

For me… it’s been a couple of weeks spent wondering what I’m even doing – for dinner Tuesday night, for back to school shopping, in my marriage, in my life.

I’ve been feeling a bit like what Jennifer Lopez’s character must have been feeling in the movie Maid in Manhattan. I like a lot of things about my life as it is and I’m not sure if it’s okay to want or receive more.

I’m specifically referencing the scene where she’s all dressed up at a fundraising gala but wonders whether she should be. Whether she deserves to take part in the glamour and sparkle and spectacle of it all.

She sees herself as a bit of a poser and starts off the evening feeling heavy dread about the let down that’s sure to come when the champagne bottles have been emptied and the band has gone home.

But then… one of her sage colleagues on the hotel’s hospitality team offers her this idea – What if THIS is the truth and it’s the rest of it that’s a lie? meaning – what if the glamour and sparkle are what’s real and true for her, what if special is what she deserves?

For her whole life, she’s been thinking her place is behind a housekeeping cart, but he offers that she could be wrong about that.

Which gives HER a choice to consider.

Does she want to believe that the glow of the spotlight actually IS for her – that she can have the life she wants AND can she weather the sometimes uncomfortable and unfamiliar emotions that come from standing in the fullness of her big, human life?

Does she want to weather those big emotions if doing so is her ticket to being where she really belongs?

Might seem like an obvious question, but it really isn’t.

Standing strong in your designated space of splendor is WORK – especially when you add on the challenge of wondering whether you’re worth it.

Especially when you spend time worrying whether other people, like your husband, will think you deserve the spectacle of it all.

We stay small because we are biologically designed to – familiarity feels safe.

It’s like that analogy you may have heard before: the trunk of the tree is the sturdiest, but it’s not where the fruit is.

Every day, each of us has the choice to stick close to the trunk or go out in search of fruit. The path you choose will depend on the thoughts you regular think about yourself, the call coming from inside the house.

You’ve probably heard me talk about JiuJitsu before because us Toones are a JiuJitsu family.

My husband, Brandon, started the obsession and then, during the Coronavirus lock down of 2020, we all joined him in taking classes online – even my littlest daughter who was just four years old at the time.

We’re all still at it three years later. My kiddos look varying versions of tough and adorable in their gis and they ALL love tackling their dad.

They don’t tackle me. I’m a hard pass for any sparring. That’s a family rule. No tackling mom.

I do take the Women Empowered self-defense course offered through Gracie University – which is the school we study through.

I love how they open their marketing for the class by saying:

“The first and most important step in self-defense is to believe you are worth defending.”

Lemme say that again.

“The first and most important step in self-defense is to believe you are worth defending.”

Because if you don’t believe you’re worth defending… it’s unlikely that you’re going to put much effort into that process of protecting yourself or honoring your own boundaries.

I think the same holds true for what you’ll allow yourself to receive in your life and your marriage. For how happy and fulfilled you’ll let yourself be.

The first and most important step in getting exactly what you want out of your life and marriage is to believe that you are worth receiving it.

Notice I didn’t say “worthy”… this isn’t a value judgement based on what you have or haven’t done, what you have or haven’t said…

Again, I didn’t say “worthy” as in have you earned it… I simply said “worth.”

Do you believe that you are someone who is worth whatever you dream of having?

Do you think you are worth the time and energy it would take to get yourself what you’d really love to include in your life?

Do you think you are worth the time and energy your husband might have to spend to figure out how to do his part of the relationship in a way that makes sense to you? In a way that’s easier for you to receive?

What might it be like if you DID believe you were worth all of that?

What might change if you assumed your husband believes you are worth all of that as well?

What if you really believed… like to your core that your husband really wanted to be involved in your day to day and that he was just itching to support you in getting everything you want?

If your husband was standing at the ready to help you navigate this wild ride of life and marriage, is that something you’d want to let yourself receive?

Do YOU believe – like REALLY believe – that you are worth receiving that kind of love and support?

Is that kind of love, attentiveness and support something you want to make room for in your life?

Are you willing to claim his consideration and kindness when it’s offered?

I know it might sound like those are silly questions with obvious answers… but they aren’t. Not really.

I know because I see so many of my clients turn away their husband’s bids for support and connection.

They don’t mean to. They aren’t trying to be dismissive. It’s just that they have thoughts about themselves that make it difficult to receive the exact things they really, really want.

They don’t want to be a burden or be perceived as selfish. So they say things like:

“I don’t mind, I’ve got it.” or “It’s no big deal.” or “I don’t want to bug him.”

Sometimes their flavor of deflection comes from doubtful thoughts about him or about the relationship. Sounds like: “He’s not going to follow through.” or “He doesn’t really mean it.” or “He’s only offering because he wants to look good or he doesn’t want to be in trouble.”

When I asked you the questions: Is that kind of love, attentiveness and support something you want? Are you willing to claim consideration and kindness when it’s offered?

I would guess your immediate answer was yes – of course you would.

BUT

If you’re saying yes now and then doing any of the things I just described my clients doing…

Any of that deflection of supportive efforts or doubting the sincerity of loving gestures, might be a message to you that it’s time to get a little curious with yourself about why you’re reluctant to drink in the love and support and spoiling that you said you wanted.

Not in a scoldy way. We aren’t mad at you.

You probably have what you think are good reasons for deflecting and doubting… I’m just here to invite you to slow all that down and see if it’s working the way you thought it would.

Is deflecting support helping you feel supported?

Do you feel loved when you’re doubting love’s sincerity?

The first and most important step in getting exactly what you want out of your life and marriage is to believe that you are worth receiving it.

Again, I didn’t say worthy… I said worth.

Which means you don’t have to get yourself tied up in knots about proving anything before you allow yourself to be loved and cared for.

You’d probably say that a brand new baby is worth all the love and support and affection in the world. Even though brand new babies contribute VERY little toward the work required to keep them alive.

They can’t do chores or pay bills – they make more messes than they clean up and still… pretty much everyone in the world would agree that brand new babies have infinite worth.

Maybe you have infinite worth too.

Maybe your worth doesn’t change just because you’re not an infant anymore.

So I’m gonna ask again:

Do you believe that you are someone who is worth whatever you dream of having?

Do you think you are worth the time and energy it would take to get yourself what you’d love to have?

Do you think you are worth the time and energy your husband might have to spend to figure out how to do his part of the relationship in a way that makes sense to you? In a way that’s easier for you to receive?

I would guess your husband has told you that you’re worth all of that – at least at some point during your time together… even if it was way back during wedding vows.

And I’d guess he’s probably done it more times than just that. Might have been hard for you to hear or see – I get that. Human communication is not a perfect science – especially when big emotions are involved.

AND

It’s still up to you to decide if you want to believe him that you’re worth everything you want.

And why wouldn’t you?

That’s a real question, not a rhetorical one.

You might have a good answer for why you are hesitant to believe that he loves you and wants to help you and wants you to have everything you want… this is simply an invitation to pause together long enough to identify what your reason is and make sure it’s one you want to go on believing.

Because if it ISN’T something you want to go on believing… if it’s just a habitual way of thinking… well… then it might be time to for you to establish some thinking habits that get you to the life and marriage you really want.

It’s an option to believe that you are someone worth whatever you dream of having.

It’s an option to think of yourself as worth the time and energy it would take to get yourself what you’d love to have.

It’s an option to think you are worth the time and energy your husband might have to spend to figure out how to do his part of the relationship in a way that makes sense to you and in a way that’s easier for you to receive.

It’s an option to believe ALL of that about yourself no matter how old you are, or how long you’ve been married.

It’s an option to believe you are worth EVERYTHING you really want – no matter how many mistakes you think you’ve made or how many backslides you think you and your husband have had together.

If you’re a parent, you understand what it’s like to love someone fiercely even when they do something dumb.

If you’ve ever had a friend, you know what it means to be there for someone even when they aren’t behaving exactly how you’d like them to.

My suggestion to YOU, Bee – is to take the parenting and friending skills you already have and try out transferring them to yourself.

Just to see what it would feel like to treat yourself the way you’d treat a beloved child or a treasured friend.

Here’s some tips to help you get started:
· find a quiet place – if not in actual reality then at least in your mind, even if only for
small snippets at a time
· pause and listen – with full curiosity – to what’s rattling around in your head
· purposefully consider the possibility that you are someone who is worth her fondest
desires
· jot those desires down – on a notepad, on a napkin, on a voice memo in your phone
· reflect on your beliefs about the likelihood of you getting what you want
· keep the beliefs that feel amazing and question the ones that don’t
· rinse and repeat

Seeing your own worth is a skill.

A skill that can be challenging in a world that tends to prioritize politeness and self-sacrifice above most other things.

And a skill you can learn.

A skill worth having.

Especially when your life experience and marital happiness are at stake.

You already know it takes work to maintain a close connection to your husband.

That work is a whole lot easier when you consciously conceptualize your relationship with him as a loving, mutually appreciative one.

And here’s what’s wild – he can send you loving, mutually appreciative cues ALL DAY LONG – EVERY SINGLE DAY and not a one of them will matter unless YOU are willing to receive loving, mutually appreciative cues as a likely reality.

Because if the call coming from inside the house announces distrust or lack of self-worth, nothing coming from outside will ever be able to shift that painful perspective.

Hubs could shower you with affection and appreciation all day, but none of it will land at all if you’re busy focusing on your shortcomings and flaws.

You’ve gotta go first to recognize your worth because you will only allow yourself to receive in the exact life and relationship connection you think you deserve.

It’s as simple as that.

So do yourself the favor of getting familiar with the call coming from inside the house.

To put it simply, spend some time this week tuning in to your commonly held beliefs about yourself and your possibilities.

To your beliefs about your husband’s sincerity and about the likelihood that the two of you can connect or cooperate.

Gaining a clear awareness of those commonly held beliefs is the single biggest favor you can do for yourself and for your marriage.

You’ll get a leg up on tuning into those automatic beliefs when you subscribe to and share this podcast.

Choose to be a woman who supports other women by spreading these messages of empowerment and freedom. Every. Single. Sunday.

All of us here in the Defying Gravity Revolution Hive thank you for helping to create a world where more women stop caring what humans think is impossible.

AND – if you’d like a chance for a FREE coaching session where we can sort some of this out together, email me at candice@candicetoone.com.

I’m getting set to record another batch of Bees in the Wild and I’d love to talk to YOU on one of those sessions. Candice with and I, Toone with an E @candicetoone.com.

Email me to claim a free session. I’m looking forward to our chat!

Choose courage, Bee and keep on flying!