Episode 47 – Ready? Set?!… MARRIED!

‘s Up, Bees?!

Today we’re going to answer the questions: Who do you purposely want to be in your marriage and… Are you really ready to be HER?

We’re gonna check in – really honestly, no holding back – to gently and curiously assess whether you are prepared to see yourself in a way that’ll contribute to your marital success.

Or not.

And don’t worry, it’s just you and me here – no one else is around – so you can answer honestly without worrying about judgment or blame.

Because I’M not gonna judge or blame and YOU’RE not going to do that either, right?

Right.

Good.

Put on your lab coat, Bee – we’re here doing some research and gathering baseline data.

I love using that analogy because marriage IS basically a life-long lab partnership – just like you had in high school chemistry.

Back then, you were sometimes interested in the assigned experiment. Sometimes you would’ve preferred to rest or read a novel instead. Sometimes your partner gathered all the materials while you did the mixing and other times it seemed like your partner didn’t really show up to help very much at all – and I can say with relative confidence – that something blew up.

Marriage is EXACTLY like that.

How different would your married experience be if you just kinda expected that sometimes you’ll be interested in the assigned experiment and sometimes you’ll prefer to rest or read a novel instead. Sometimes husband will gather all the materials while you do the mixing and other times it seemed like he doesn’t really show up to help very much at all – and how different would the lived experience of your marriage be if you kinda anticipated that somethings are gonna blow up?

What would change if you really understood – from the get go – that your life together wouldn’t be happily ever after all of the time?

Most of us say we understand all that and then, we’re still sorta surprised by the flavor of not so happy that comes knocking at our doors.

That’s all okay. Definitely something we can work with. I do it all day, every day with myself and with my Bees.

Because it’s pretty common to underestimate the amount of effort that it really requires to make a relationship great.

I’ve underestimated the work required. You probably have to.

And now we’re here together to explore whether or not you are ready and willing to see yourself in a way that’ll contribute to your marital success.

We’ll make that assessment with two basic questions:

1 – Are you in to operate from the foundation of direct self-advocacy?

Not because you are selfish but because you know that self-advocacy yields a whole, nourished person and you know that your marriage needs you to be a whole, nourished person if your marriage is going to be as enJOYable as it could be.

2 – Are you willing to iterate in your self-advocacy efforts?
Probably over and over? Maybe for years?

That’s the kind of willingness to requires you to deeply understand how your marriage experience requires at least as much effort as it took to prepare for and plan your wedding day – if not more.

The energy you spent choosing a dress and flowers and food and a venue can now be redirected to deciding what you want, deciding what you don’t want and advocating for ALL of it.

Again, not because you are selfish but because you know that self-advocacy yields a whole, nourished person and you know that your marriage needs you to be a whole, nourished person if your marriage is going to be as enJOYable as it could be.

Since you’re here listening to this podcast, it’s likely that your marriage woes didn’t start last week. What’s more likely is that you’ve been suffering for years, trying things then taking a break from trying then trying again.

If that’s you, you’re definitely not alone.

Research shows that most people wait six full years in varying stages of marital discomfort before seeking out support.

Yup.

SIX. YEARS.

Years that could have been spent enJOYing their marriages rather than simply enduring them.

Why does that happen?

Here’s why:

You desperately want to be happy in your marriage, but you feel stuck in what I’m going to call the “Am I committed?” quandry.

I don’t mean “Am I committed?” to my marriage. You probably are committed to that or you would have left already.

I’m talking about being committed to the process of a life-long lab partnership. To the work of advocating and iterating – over and over.

What I typically see with women who join me in the Defying Gravity Revolution (my marriage coaching community) is that they’ve already spent lots of time and energy working on their marriages.

Some of that effort and energy worked out and paid off, but a lot of it didn’t.

Why?

The reason is – they weren’t spending the RIGHT kind of energy and effort.

Most of their energy and effort had a semi-committed vibe to it – meaning that they told themselves varying versions of “I would…. but I can’t because he….” or “I’ve tried… but he just…”

Those phrases are SO SO common for us women to say.

I’ve said them myself and sometimes still do.

Except now – I’m on to myself and I invite you to be on to YOURself as well.

Not because we are trying to catch you or call you out, but because you and I both now know that that phrases: “I would… but I can’t because he…” and “I’ve tried… but he just…”
will always kill the emotional experience you want to have in your marriage.

They’ll always lead to helplessness.

And resentment.

And dissatisfaction.

And you don’t want ANY of that, am I right?

Because you want better than helplessness and resentment and dissatisfaction, we’re going to try on Tony Robbins’ concept of “burn the boats”.

“Burn the boats” is his way of describing an all-in, super committed approach to taking full responsibility for the experience you are creating wherever you are – and we’re going to apply that to the way you’re seeing yourself in your marriage.

I know it’s tempting to point to things he says or does as roadblocks to your happiness. As barriers to your success.

And the truth is – sometimes he WILL present you with something that makes your goals a bit more challenging.

Like when your high school lab partner spilled the concoction you just created or failed to read the assigned chapter.

Both of those things are a bummer – but neither mean that you can’t complete the assignment.

If you wanted to get that A – you totally still did – regardless of whether your partner helped out or not.

Why? Because back then you knew that your grade depended on you.

Even though it might be hard to hear, marriage works the exact same way.

Nothing about a ring on your finger changes the level of influence and sway you have in your own life. All of that is still FULLY intact – even if it doesn’t seem like it.

I’m talking to those of you who have been working REALLY hard in your heads, imagining all of the things that he needs to be doing differently or dreaming up all the things you could do if he wasn’t in the way…. this part is for YOU.

I get why you’re in the habit of viewing your marriage as a sort of waiting game. I understand why you might default to following his lead.

It WOULD be a lot easier if he would just stop doing that thing or start doing the other things.

Just like it would be easier if your lab partner didn’t have butterfingers. Just like it would be more helpful if they completed the reading on time.

But sometimes they won’t and then, what?

Then YOU.

The powerful person who can still figure out how to get the grade she wants. The person who can talk to and set expectations with her lab partner – probably multiple times. The person who can consciously decide whether her lab partner’s endearing qualities are worth the challenging parts and the person who knows she can get a new lab partner whenever she wants to – KNOWING that a new flavor of lab work will still exist in the next partnership.

You making a conscious effort to see the full range of options available to you and then powerfully snatch up the one you like best is how you take charge of creating the marriage you imagined when you said, “I do.”

I know that sounds like a lot of work.

And it really is.

You also don’t have to do any of it.

It truly is easier and probably more comfortable to settle in where you are, laugh with other women about the stereotypical way that husbands just are and make it work as best you can.

Honestly, that’s a very decent life.

So you’ve gotta ask yourself – what kind of experience do I REALLY want in my marriage?

What do I want to show myself – and our kids – about the possibilities that exist in a romantic relationship?

As you answer remember this – THERE REALLY IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG. There’s no superior setup. No morality assigned to which kind of marriage you choose.

All you’re deciding is what kind of experience YOU want to have on purpose.

What do you want your experience to be and what are your reasons for choosing that?

For me, I always want an emotional experience of safety, love and freedom. I want a stable home – a home that supports me and my husband in expanding our legacy for our kids and their kids to enjoy.

I am not interested in smiling and nodding and accepting things that are outside my vision for what I’d love my marriage to be.

Does that mean I don’t have anything in my marriage that I don’t want to be there?

Nope.

There’s still some stuff that’s not my favorite.

And – as much as I can – I honor my commitment to deciding what I want, deciding what I don’t want and advocating for all of it.

Iteration after iteration.

Over and over.

It’s work and it’s not always fun – but sometimes… it REALLY is.

It’s super fun when me and my guy take big steps forward toward the life we really want and then we use that momentum to keep on iterating and we pick up speed as we go.

Now – if you’re thinking something like – must be nice to have a husband who helps out with all that work. Who listens to the iterating and cooperates.

First, it is and I’ll tell him you said so. Because recognizing the good on purpose really makes it grow.

Second, it’s not always as seamless as all that AND it doesn’t need to be.

There are some things in my marriage that are on iteration number 4,356 with no resolution in sight.

When the iterations stack up for you like they sometimes do for me, you still have decisions: you can iterate again, you can decide the thing isn’t important enough to keep working on and let it go, you can decide you’re no longer willing to work on it and just let yourself feel annoyed on purpose instead or you decide you no longer willing to have that thing as part of your life anymore and move on from the marriage.

The important thing is – you’ve always got options.

Even if it doesn’t seem like it. Even if the options all appear to be crap.

The options are there. Always.

And just knowing that – even if you don’t make a choice just yet – keeps you in a power position, which is where you always belong.

So back to the beginning of this episode – are you prepared to see yourself in a way that’ll contribute to your marital success?

Are you in for operating from direct self-advocacy?

Are you willing to iterate in your self-advocacy efforts? Over and over? Maybe for years?

It’s my honor and privilege and the dream of my life to help my Bees – my clients – do just that.

To change their lives in their own lifetime by changing the tone and experience of their marriages – even if their husband isn’t helping.

Because the truth is – he might not.

Not because he’s a jerk, but because he’s got other priorities and pressures on his mind.

So take heart in knowing a little something that I’m about to share with you from my undergrad degree in developmental psychology.

It’s called systems theory.

The basic tenet is that the world is a complex network of systems. When one part of the system shifts or adjusts, the rest of the system adapts. It has to.

This is great news for your marriage because your marriage is a system of interactions from you to him then back to you again and on and on for time and all eternity or til death do you part.

The system of your marriage is continually adapting to its environment. And the environment of your marriage is heavily impacted by YOU.

Let’s say you’re in the habit of hinting at something you want your husband to do and he’s in the habit of blowing off your request.

There’s your system. Hint. Deflect. Hint. Deflect. Round and round it goes.

Buuuutttt… if you decide to try out asking him directly to do the thing and then opening a discussion about the timeline for completion with specific details, he’ll have no choice but to respond differently.

Whether he deflects more forcefully or engages in the discussion you started or just gets up to do the thing already… you’ve got movement. The system is changing.

Because of you.

Again, that doesn’t mean he’ll automatically do the thing every time moving forward from now on, BUT he simply won’t be able to blow you off in the same way as before because you are showing up differently to the discussion.

I know you might be thinking – well what good does that do me if he still doesn’t do the thing I want him to do?

Good question.

The good that does you is that you’ve started to shift your place in the system. You are starting to establish yourself as someone who won’t be blown off. So that unwanted part of your old system simply can’t survive.

Because you’ve established yourself as a source of power in the system.

Start by seeing the change you want to be in your marriage system and practicing trusting that he’ll follow along.

Because we teach people how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves.

When you take your request seriously and deliver it directly with the expectation that you’ll be heard, you’re setting that example for him to pick up on and follow.

And he will.

Even if it takes a while, which it might.

But taking a while is WAY better than never happening – right?

Absolutely.

That’s the work we do every single day in the Defying Gravity Revolution. You purposefully decide what role you want to play in the system of your marriage and then you apply yourself in such a way that the system adapts to serve the kind of connection you really want to enJOY in your marriage.

It’s a lot of work. And it’s TOTALLY worth it.

So try on seeing yourself as a powerful force in your marriage. Believe you’ve got the chops to create the marriage you imagined when you said, “I do” and then keep taking steps toward making it happen.

It’s the most fun way to surprise yourself and enJOY your marriage.

When you see it happening, please shoot me a message so we can celebrate together.

And please, if you loved what you heard today, subscribe to and share this podcast.

Choose to be a woman who supports other women by spreading these messages of empowerment and freedom. Every. Single. Sunday.

All of us here in the Defying Gravity Revolution Hive thank you for helping to create a world where more women stop caring what humans think is impossible.

Choose courage, Bee and keep on flying!