Do you know what it’s like to distrust a compliment? Or question an offer of forgiveness? Your brain does all that because it’s looking out for you to survive. Turns out though… holding back on easy wins isn’t the most effective way to get you the life and marriage you really, really want.
Listen in on this week’s episode to develop the skill of allowing easy wins into your life as an anchor you can lean on when things don’t go quite so smoothly as you’d like them to.
Mentioned in this Episode
- Click here to claim a free 4 lesson mini-course: How to enJOY the marriage you imagined when you said “I do”
- Check out the Defying Gravity Revolution – a Candice-led community of Bees committed to stop wondering if they married the wrong guy so they can enjoy the marriage they imagined when they said “I do.”
- Grab your free e-copy of “Wife on Purpose” and the companion workbook HERE
- If you’re a coach who wants to up the trauma-informed factor in your sessions and your business, join the Trauma-Informed coaching interest list HERE.
- Follow Candice on Instagram and Facebook
‘s Up, Bees?!
In just a minute, I’m gonna tell you about a time when I was fascinated by my coach colleague’s response to the option of feeling better about something that had gone pretty awry.
It’s wild to me how humans sometimes resist resolution – even when it’s easily available – AND it makes sense to me why that happens. Stick around to hear all about it.
But first – have you heard about the CONFIDENT COMPANIONSHIP challenge I’m running at the end of this month?
I’m opening the challenge to YOU if you want to feel less like you and your husband are roommates + more like you’re a delicious combination of best friends and lovers.
The CONFIDENT COMPANIONSHIP challenge is for you if you’re feeling a little underwhelmed about the connection you’ve been feeling with your forever guy.
The CONFIDENT COMPANIONSHIP challenge is for you if you’re feeling some doubt or discouragement about what your future together holds.
If any of that’s you – click the link in this podcast episode’s show notes by going to www.candicetoone.com/podcast and scrolling to episode 49. That’s where you can register for the CONFIDENT COMPANIONSHIP challenge. It’s free to participate, but you MUST register to get the connection information and all the juicy resources.
We’ll be together on November 27 through November 30 from 10-11a MT each day.
There will be a replay if you can’t join us live – but ALL the better if you can set that time aside for yourself to get your questions answered and your goals refined in real time.
Together we’ll make sure that you have a solid strategy for crushing your marriage goals in 2024 – because if you wait til January to get that strategy in place… you’re already starting a bit behind and you deserve better than that.
So click the link in the show notes (www.candicetoone.com/podcast – scroll to episode 49).
Looking forward to getting to know you better.
Now… back to that story about my colleague turning away from a chance to feel better.
Here’s how it all went down.
Several weeks before this story happened, she’d coached me on my business goals and – in my perception – had kinda made fun of me.
As you can imagine, that didn’t feel great, so I ended our call early – thus declining to continue the coaching interaction.
She had a bit of a gut check when I did that and apologized profusely over an instant messenger conversation we had later that day.
I told her it was all okay and that I understood how her intentions had been kind even if her delivery didn’t fit very well for me.
I offered her my genuine reassurance – and… she didn’t bite.
Instead, she stewed and worried – off and on for a while – after we ended our conversation that day.
Can you relate?
Have you ever laid awake at night kicking yourself for something you said three weeks ago and rehearsing all kinds of scenarios around how you should have handled that whole thing better?
It’s a pretty common thing we humans do – worry about things that have already happened and scare ourselves into believing we’ll behave differently next time.
Why do we do that?
It’s because of how our brains are wired.
On purpose, human brains naturally orient to perceived threat – because attending to and solving for threats is how humans stay alive.
There aren’t many physical dangers in our day-day lives in modern times.
Most of us are fortunate enough to live indoors near grocery stores, so we are unlikely to freeze to death or risk exposure to the elements or starve.
It’s more the emotional dangers – real and perceived – that plague us now.
Which is likely what was going on for my colleague.
On a subconscious level, she probably perceived my ending our call early as a rejection. As an interaction that could lead to her being kicked out of the “group”.
Humans are herd animals and being kicked out of the herd is VERY dangerous because it could mean a loss of resources – such as food, safety, companionship and warmth.
So… my colleague’s brain could very well have been hanging on to the pain of our interaction –likely in an attempt to help her avoid making similar missteps in the future.
But you know what that hanging on to pain thing actually does?
It just prolonged her pain and isolation because she was so busy being mad at herself and she had such trouble forgiving herself or believing my reassurance – which just left her feeling even more lonely.
Several weeks later, I ran into her at an in-person conference in Arizona.
She brought up the call I ended early way back when and I could tell by the speed of her speech and the tension in her hand gestures that the interaction was still a relatively significant source of pain in her life.
So I suggested that maybe it was time for her to try expanding her capacity to feel some things…
She interrupted me (as nervous, still hurting people tend to do) and said, “I know, I know… I just need to feel my shame and allow it to be there. I can feel embarrassed without it killing me…”
I responded with, “Maybe. But what I meant was… maybe it’s time let yourself feel resolved on this. To feel peace. Or acceptance. Maybe it’s time to believe me that it’s okay from my end and let yourself join me in okay land and let the pain and shame go.”
She gave me a pretty puzzled look, stopped talking and just stared.
Which makes sense, because I would guess that the option to let it go and accept resolution simply hadn’t occurred to her before that moment.
Didn’t seem reasonable to her to accept an invitation to move on from this and continue our friendship because she’d been really focused on thinking this whole thing was a big rift in need of major repair.
And while it might have been a rift, it was a small-ish one.
Could be true that the effort she was so generously spending on trying to make it better would be better spent on allowing herself to relax and enjoy the room available in our relationship for mishaps to occur while our connection went on anyway.
Bees – it is a SKILL to allow yourself to feel safe. To feel connected. To feel secure.
Most of us don’t do that as well as we could because we are so constantly committed to looking ahead for the other shoe to drop.
While it might drop – it also might not.
And if we’re watching for the blow that hasn’t yet come – and maybe never will – we miss out on the opportunity to relax into peace and safety.
We miss the chance to experience the opposite of high alert.
We deny ourselves the flexibility of moving between relaxed and resourceful and back again when we are constantly bracing against perceived threat.
It’s common to discount safety cues in our lives and overemphasize whiffs of danger.
Again… because that’s how our brains are wired.
Watching out for danger keeps us alive, for sure – but it can also rob us of joy.
Recently, I had a client open a session by saying: “I’m gonna share a win that probably won’t seem like a win.”
I gently stopped her to say: “FIRST – if it feels like a win to you… it’s a win… ALWAYS. Even if some other short-sighted person doesn’t see it that way.”
The quickest way to a full life is to let yourself celebrate the things you love about yourself, the things you are doing well and the things that went right.
Even if those things seem small compared to Nobel Prize awards or championship trophies.
It all matters and when you let your wins matter, your life will become 1000x easier.
How do you let your wins matter?
By practicing – on purpose – receiving easy wins as regularly as possible.
Take a second to admire the clean sink – “This is accomplishment.”
Linger with a snuggly puppy – “This. Is. Security.”
Savor the forgiveness offered by a friend – “This is acceptance.”
Focus on the power in your legs as you hoist that laundry basket or climb the stairs. – “This is strength.”
Sink deeper into a warm bath. “This is care.”
Tune in to the sensations in your body as you watch that sappy commercial or enjoy a cheesy Hallmark classic. – “This is connection. This is love.”
Let yourself laugh at the silly faces your grandkid makes during her Christmas concert. – “This is pleasure. This is excitement. This is JOY.”
Appreciate yourself for the deep breaths you took and the way you stayed with your teen as he struggled through that math assignment. – “This is determination.”
Let yourself really feel his shoulder brushing yours as he thanks you with a half hug on his way back to his room. – “This is gratitude.”
Honor the emotion that wells up behind your sternum as you watch him walk across the stage to get his diploma. – “THIS. Is. JOY.”
As I mentioned, our brains are VERY good at noticing danger. At orienting to pain. They are designed that way. To keep us alive. Thank you brain!
Looking for problems isn’t the only job our brains have.
They are also uniquely equipped for discernment and triage – that’s the part we sometimes forget.
When you are connected with yourself and your strengths, you’ll feel a sense of trust in yourself around how much you can handle. You’ll feel solid in meeting the challenges of your day.
You’ll be able to see what is a problem and what maybe actually isn’t.
You’ll address the problems confidently and release the rest.
Because you’ve taken the time to consciously befriend Joy. Love. Connection. Peace.
Because you’re in the habit of building yourself up with easy wins around Security. Care. Determination. Strength.
Feels fitting as we head into the holiday season – especially Thanksgiving – that we consciously decide to orient our brains to those experiences: Strength. Peace. Love. Joy.
Not as a self-correction – because you’ve been missing those opportunities so far and need to get it together… but as a gift, to free yourself up to the full spectrum of what’s available in this world.
Look for places where you can easily say:
This. Is. Strength.
This. Is. Peace.
This. Is. Safe.
This. Is. Love.
This. Is. Joy.
Because while there are real dangers and troubles in our world, there is also real love and safety and peace and joy.
Filling yourself up with all of that – ON PURPOSE – will leave you better equipped to successfully navigate any troubles that come your way.
Because you’re in the continual habit of filling your reserve tank – which means that your ability to notice, discern and triage danger will stay on point. All. Day.
And don’t forget – us Bees are coming together to practice all of that and more during the CONFIDENT COMPANIONSHIP challenge at the end of the month.
Hurt and loneliness and uncertainty in your marriage are all optional.
And… blissful connection isn’t a given. It’s not something
you luck your way into.
It takes work – planning – persistence.
Every day. All year long.
As we head into the bustle of the holiday season, it might
seem like it makes sense to revisit your marriage goals in January.
You’ve got shopping and decorating. Concerts and programs.
You’ll figure things out between the two of you.
After everything settles down.
If you wait til January to set your marriage goal strategy
for the year, you’re setting yourself up to start already behind.
You deserve better than that.
Better is available when you join us to participate in the CONFIDENT COMPANIONSHIP challenge.
Go to candicetoone.com/podcast + episode 49 and you’ll see the link you’ll use to register. Participation is free, but registration is required so get to clicking.
And please, if you loved what you heard today, subscribe to and share this podcast.
Choose to be a woman who supports other women by spreading these messages of empowerment and freedom. Every. Single. Sunday.
All of us here in the Defying Gravity Revolution Hive thank you for helping to create a world where more women stop caring what humans think is impossible.
Choose courage, Bees and Keep. On. Flying!