Episode 53 – A demo of my clients’ all-time favorite exercise

‘s Up, Bees?!

Are you on my email list? If you’re not… you should be and here’s why:

I often send my email list special bonuses.

FLASH SALES

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I think of my email list like the most fun, most healing girls’ night out experience that never, ever has to end.

I really enjoy dreaming up new ways to make my Bees on my email list feel special and I think YOU deserve to be a part of all that.

If you’re not on the list yet, go to www.candicetoone.com and grab my free course: how to have the marriage you imagined when you said, “I do”.

Not only will you get four foundational videos to build a solid marriage on – you’ll also be first in line for all the future giveaways and promos I’ll ever do.

Like this one.

Earlier this week, I sent my subscribers the following message, subject line: open this message for a field-tested love boost

Inside the email sounded like this:

There’s a particular exercise that I’ve been using over and over again for my entire career as a marriage coach.

It’s a client favorite.

Because… in all that time – 5+ years – this exercise has never yet failed to produce happy tears and hope for the future.

Thought it might be fun to share it with ALL Y’ALL whether you’re currently participating in my paid coaching program – The Defying Gravity Revolution – or not.

All you gotta do to grab it is respond to this message – right now – with the phrase “Gimme Gimme” and I’ll do exactly that.

You can add a “please” in there if you want to, but I’ll send it over even if you don’t.

Looking forward to what you think,

Candice “grab the tissues” Toone

See how much fun we have!?

I send out an intriguing invite, you snatch it up – your marriage wins. Every. Time.

And like the title of this episode promised, I’m gonna share a demo of that actual exercise right here, right now so you can get a sneak peek of what it’s really like to work on your relationship inside the Defying Gravity Revolution hive.

But that’s not all – if you want the exact instructions and super cute worksheet that go along with this exercise, all you’ve gotta do is send an email with the subject line: “Gimme Gimme” to candice@candicetoone.com and I’ll get you everything you need.

You can write me a note in the body of the email if you like – I’m always down to get to know my listeners better – but you don’t have to do that part to get the goodies.

Just follow these four quick steps:

1 – Open a new email message.

2 – Type candice@candicetoone.com in the TO: field.

3 – Type “Gimme Gimme” on the subject line.

4 – Hit send.

Then… you can enJOY your marriage even more using the shiny new perspective this exercise invariably brings.

So. Much. Fun.

Decide in this moment if you want to pause this podcast to send the email right now OR if you’d rather you can listen through the exercise demo and send your email at the end.

Your call.

Did you pick on purpose?

I hope so… cuz picking on purpose is THE MOST IMPORTANT SKILL to have if you want to enJOY the marriage you imagined when you said “I do”.

Here’s how the exercise works.

Pull out a pretty piece of stationary. Open a new word doc. Grab a napkin – anything goes.

Just get yourself something to write with and something to write on.

Then set to work crafting the love letter you REALLY wish your husband would send you.

Make sure to include ALL the things you’d love to hear him say. Go big. Sky’s the limit. Even if you’re pretty sure he’d NEVER say the thing… if you want to HEAR it… write it down.

The letter can be as long or as short as you want.

It can be Flirty. Silly. Heartfelt. Suggestive. Tender. Kind. Appreciative.

All of the above, if you want. Anything goes.

You ARE allowed to want him to say whatever you want him to say.  

If your heart skips a bit when you imagine him saying it…

if your stomach does a little flip when you imagine yourself hearing it….

If there’s a smile on your lips or happy tears in your eyes as you imagine the possibility…

WRITE. IT. DOWN.

Take your time. Let yourself dream. Make this your very own, personalized rom com moment.

Got the gist?

Good.

Time for another purposeful choice: you can stop listening and go write your letter now.

Or…

You could listen to MY example and then riff on your letter using mine as a foundation.

Again, it’s always your call.

Made your pick? Great.

 Cuz why?

Cuz picking on purpose is THE MOST IMPORTANT SKILL to have if you want to enJOY the marriage you imagined when you said “I do”.

Here’s what I wrote in my letter that I’d love for my husband to say to me:

Dearest of all Candices,

You are the most special, most precious gift of my life.

Everything about my world is better in every way, EVERY DAY, because you are a part of it.

I feel beyond lucky to have met you. I’m joyfully surprised and daily delighted that you’ve chosen to spend forever in my arms.

You are my home and no matter what comes our way… today and always… I choose you. We’ll get through it together. Cuz it’s me and you Babe. Just me and you.

It’s my sacred duty to protect you – with everything I am – from anyone or anything that dares threaten your security or fails to appreciate the extraordinary woman I know you to be.

I am here – now and always – to create a home for you that is full of love and support, laughter and compassion. It is the honor of my life to give you all that and more.

We’ll make room for doubt and space for fear – but only as we use our insecurities as a path for getting to know each other more intimately. Never as a reason to drive our love apart.

I so deeply appreciate how you’re constantly thinking ahead for our three beautiful children – setting resources in their path while also making sure they have opportunity to learn for themselves and grow into thoughtful, determined, connected AND self-reliant humans.

I could not be the father I am without your unending efforts on my behalf and I thank you every day for helping me have the gifts that come from my close relationships with our kids. You did that for me and there are no words to express how much I appreciate you for that.

You are an excellent example of how to fiercely love your people without abandoning yourself. I am so proud of you for the way you’re actively showing our children that it’s safe to follow their dreams without having to risk other aspects of living a full life and without sacrificing their connection to their family and home.

You amaze me. Every part of me belongs to you. You are the only thing I’ll ever need.

It Is my most treasured honor to look out for you. Always.

Even when you’re overreacting. Even when you’re wrong. Even when you make no sense at all – because you and me… that’s what makes sense and that’s all I need.

I offer my unending, unshakeable love for you as a spark of electricity to melt your fears about life into a burning faith in us.

I love you. I want you. I’m here to witness your life and have you witness mine.

I am beyond certain that YOU are my great love story. I’m sure of who you are and I’m sure there will never be anywhere I’d rather stand than right next to you.

I’m all in on you. I’m sold on us. I’m a willing participant in your happiness and our success.

Now. Forever. And every day in between.

All my love,

Brandon

If I could have my husband tell me anything… that would be it.

I love to hear anything from him that indicates surety. solidarity. supportiveness. safety.

When you write your letter, you’ll probably notice a theme of your own.

Maybe you’ll find similar flavors of solidarity and safety. Or maybe it’ll feel more like adoration or playfulness or peace. Maybe it’ll be all about connection. Or being truly seen.

Once you’ve written your letter, read it back to yourself. Several times.

Notice how you feel.

Maybe you feel warm and held. Maybe you feel safe. Maybe powerful. Maybe it’s like you’re falling in love all over again.

It’s lovely if you feel any of those things.

AND… it’s not uncommon if you don’t.

Which brings us to the second part of this exercise.

STOP THE PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU HAVEN’T WRITTEN YOUR LETTER because hearing the second step without having done the first step will compromise the experience for you.

Doesn’t mean it won’t work at all if you keep listening right now… but it may be a little less potent.

Again… your call.

Did you make a conscious decision?

Good.

Since you’re still listening, I am going to assume that you either wrote your letter already OR you’re okay to risk a bit of compromise to your experience right now and you’ll write your letter later.

Last chance to hit pause and go write.

Okay.

Part 2 is to re-read your letter… but with one little twist.

Keep ALL of the words exactly the same except this time – instead of the letter coming from him to you… imagine it’s coming from you to you.

Imagine yourself thinking of yourself the way you want him to think of you.

See yourself treating yourself the way you wish he would treat you.

 

Love yourself – on purpose – in all the ways you want him to show love for you.

Let’s re-read mine again. From me to me this time:

Dearest of all Candices,

You are the most special, most precious gift of my life.

Everything about my world is better in every way, EVERY DAY, because you are it.

I feel beyond lucky to be you. I’m joyfully surprised and daily delighted that I get to be with you forever.  

You are my home and no matter what comes our way… today and always… I choose you. We’ll get through it together. Cuz it’s me and you baby love. Just you and me.

It’s my sacred duty to protect you – with everything I am – from anyone or anything that dares threaten your security or fails to appreciate the extraordinary woman I know you to be.

I am here – now and always – to create a home for you that is full of love and support, laughter and compassion. It is the honor of my life to give you all that and more.

We’ll make room for doubt and space for fear – but only as we use our insecurities as a path for getting to know each other more intimately. Never as a reason to drive our love apart.

I so deeply appreciate how you’re constantly thinking ahead for our three beautiful children – setting resources in their path while also making sure they have opportunity to learn for themselves and grow into thoughtful, determined, connected AND self-reliant humans.

I fully appreciate your unending efforts as a mother and I thank you every day for giving me the gifts that come from our close relationships with our kids. You did that and there are no words to express how much I appreciate you for that.

You are an excellent example of how to fiercely love our people without abandoning yourself. I am so proud of you for the way you’re actively showing our children that it’s safe to follow their dreams without having to risk other aspects of living a full life and without sacrificing their connection to family and home.

You amaze me. Every part of me belongs to you. You are the only thing I’ll ever need.

It Is my most treasured honor to look out for you. Always.

Even when you’re overreacting. Even when you’re wrong. Even when you make no sense at all – because you and me… that’s what makes sense and that’s all I need.

I offer my unending, unshakeable love for you as a spark of electricity to melt your fears about life into faith in us.

I love you. I care for you. I’m here to witness your life all day long.

I am beyond certain that YOU are my great love story. I’m sure of who you are and I’m sure there will never be anywhere I’d rather stand than right next to you.

I’m all in on you. I’m sold on us. I’m a willing participant in your happiness and our success.

Now. Forever. And every day in between.

All my love,

Candice

Now again – just like you did with the letter from him to you, read the letter from you to you back to yourself. Several times.

Notice how you feel.

Many women tear up thinking of how they have the opportunity to see themselves the way they’d like to be seen.

Maybe you feel something blossoming inside you as we’ve opened this opportunity together.

Maybe you feel warm and held. Maybe you feel safe. Maybe powerful. Maybe it’s like you’re falling in love all over again.

It’s lovely if you feel any of those things.

AND… it’s not uncommon if you don’t.

I actually didn’t at first, so if you’re not there… hang with me for the very last part of this exercise. I got you.

A story from my early years of coaching will probably help drive the point home better than me just telling you what I learned way back then, so lean in close… here goes….

The first time I was exposed to something like this exercise was when I was listening to someone else get coached – back before I was a coach myself.

This woman was telling the coach how she REALLY wanted her husband to talk about her the way the elders in her faith talked about their wives.

She wanted him to call her his “angel” wife with a reverence in his voice that could only come from deep respect and true adoration.

She really wanted him to see her that way and… I get why she wanted that.  

The coach offered – kinda flippantly in my opinion – that this woman could just call herself an “angel” wife and call it good.

She could believe it enough for the both of them.

At the time, that answer felt very lonely to me and it fell SUPER flat for me.

Wasn’t that motivating at all.

The expression on the face of the woman being coached suggested that she felt the same way.

Wah. Wah.

I thought I was doing it wrong back then, but now I know why that strategy didn’t work.

Back then I thought the goal was to say what you wanted to hear to yourself and then…

…well, nothing. That was it.

You just figured out how to make it be enough that you loved you.

Which honestly… didn’t really sound like enough.

Nice maybe, but definitely not enough.

The missing piece is that you’re supposed to say what you want to hear to yourself and then treat yourself as though what you’re saying is true.

That means you’ll take action – in REAL LIFE – to treat yourself according to the words you wrote in your letter.

You’ll stop lying to yourself and saying things are fine when they aren’t.

You’ll start protecting yourself – your time, energy and resources – from things that threaten your peace.

You’ll meet your mistakes with compassion and get yourself whatever you need to do more or less or better next time.

Essentially, it’s SUPER important to know that the love letter vibe doesn’t stop with the words.

It carries through your actions, in the way you treat yourself. All day. Every day.

Because love is a VERB.

When you believe the love letter words from you to you, you’ll start setting expectations around what you are available for and what’s a hard pass for you.

You’ll treat yourself like the cherished being you are and expect that other people will follow your lead.

It’s not AT ALL that you tell yourself the things he’s never gonna say and then somehow be happy with that shabby little consolation prize.

The goal is to tell yourself the things you want him to say so you FIRST, believe them yourself and are THEN, more open to only receiving the kind of treatment you deserve instead of accepting whatever comes your way.

It’s not you doing the heavy lifting because he never will.

It’s you two lifting together because you BOTH know what you’re worth.

Sometimes that means redirecting things he’s been doing and sharing what you really want. Other times it means receiving genuine offerings that have been hard to receive before.

In rare times, it means moving on if he’s not willing to treat you like the prize that you are.

When you treat yourself well – on purpose and every day – it’ll be easier to notice ways he’s already acting as though the love letter is true AND it’ll be easier to shut down instances where you’re being given less than you’re worth.

So write that letter if you haven’t already.

Keep it handy and memorize the words you really want to hear.

Say them to yourself often and listen for when he’s repeating them along with you – even if they are hard to hear at first.

And when he doesn’t repeat them along with you… remind yourself that the letter is your norm, the letter is what you’re available for and what’s happening in that not-so-pleasant moment is a one-off. 

Let yourself believe that you’ll get back on course soon and trust yourself to lead the way.

You deserve all the love you can imagine.

I know it and I’m here to help you know it too.

If you had fun writing letters with me today, share this podcast episode with that one friend who deserves more love than she’s currently receiving. She’ll be glad to know what you know now – so share the love and fly together.

I want us – you and me – to have a relationship that supports you in getting what you want out of your marriage whether you officially hire me or not. So subscribe to this podcast right now and stick around with me every Sunday.

Last thing – a quick personal note – I want you to know that I love talking with my coach because it changes the way I feel TODAY, which changes the action i take right now, which changes what I create in my marriage moving forward and what I leave as a forever legacy of love for my family.

All of that is built with the daily decisions you’re making – having a coach makes it a WHOLE lot easier to stay on course for where you really want to go.

So ask me all the questions with an email to candice@candicetoone.com or hit me up on IG – @candicetoonecoaching.  

I’m here for all of it. Anytime.

Choose courage, Bee. And Keep. On. Flying.