Episode 55 – Bees in the Wild – Round 4

‘s Up, Bees?!

It’s that time again! I’m here bringing you another installment of Bees in the Wild.

I know that you’re curious about what marriage coaching actually sounds like in real life.

I’m not surprised if you’re wanting more examples of how this type of work might actually go.

Best news is – some of the Bees in the Defying Gravity Revolution have graciously offered to let you listen in as we sort out some of their stickiest marriage situations.  

These are REAL conversations. No script. No editing. Just REAL women working together to find REAL possibility where only pain existed before.

Enjoy!

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Candice: Hi. 

Client: Hi. 

Candice: What would you like some coaching on today?

Client: Well, I want to talk about something I’ve talked about before. And I think I need to rethink what I learned a little bit more. 

Candice: Okay. 

Client: So my husband likes to take care of me, which is charming and lovely. But sometimes it gets a little old, particularly when we go out to dinner. He always wants to… Well, he always reads the menu to make sure there’s something I want to eat, which is charming… and… but I don’t like it all the time. And so…

Candice: You don’t have to keep calling it charming if you don’t like it. 

Client: Okay. 

Candice: It’s well intended, but it misses the mark. It sounds like.

Client: Yes. Yes. Yes.

Candice: You don’t have to like it. It’s okay if you don’t. But go on.. 

Client: So I talked to him about it. And I talked to you about it. And you said, “just talk to him kindly”, which I did. And it worked out pretty good for the most part. And he… when I say, “oh, yeah, I’ve had that before. And I really liked that. But I want to try something else. I want to do something else.” He always goes with it. So it’s fine. However, it’s hard for me to do that all the time. Because I lose patience. I’m not the most patient person in the world. So the other day, we went out to dinner, and we were going somewhere else. And we passed… uh… I don’t know if it was Red Lobster or Sizzler that had steak and lobster. And he knows I love lobster. So he said, “oh, let’s go there. They have a lobster special.” And I said, “Oh, that’s okay. I was kind of in the mood for Mexican”, which is where we were going to go. “Oh, no, you love lobster. Let’s go.” So we went there. And then inside there was another special that looked better to me. And I said, “Oh, but look at that one.” He says, “But we came for lobster.” So cut to the end of the chase, I gave up and had lobster. And I didn’t really want lobster. 

Candice: Why didn’t you do that? 

Client: Because I just… I think I just said it’s fine. It was important for…

Candice: What would have happened, do you think…  if you had said, “I know we came for lobster. But I changed my mind.” What would have happened?

Client: Well, probably I would have gotten something else. But I didn’t do that.

Candice: No. No. No… come back to me though… Are you okay? Wanna come back to me? 

Client: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 

Candice: You had a good reason, something in your mind was like, “that’s going to be a problem” in some way. So yes, of course, you could have told him. And it’s okay, that you didn’t. And what we want to figure out right now is what was your good reason for not telling him? You had a good reason.

Client: I did. And this is it. And this is where the crux of the matter is, I did have a good reason because his heart was set on getting me lobster because I like lobster. And so I decided, “You know what? It’s okay. I will have that. And he will be happy about it.” And he was and that was great. And so when we sat down, he went to go get the salad bar, because what he ordered came with a salad bar, what I ordered did not. And he said, “I’m gonna go to the salad bar.” And I said, “okay”, and then he stood up and walked away and he said, “I did it again. I did it again.” And I said,  “it’s okay.” It wasn’t okay. “It’s okay.” And he goes, “No, you are upset about it. You’re sad. You wanted something else. I did it again.” So I said, “Yeah, you’re right. And I could have been more forceful about it. But I did say…” “No, it’s my fault.” He said, which is true. But then the rest of the meal, I had spent my time telling him, “hey, it’s okay. It’s not a big deal.” And I don’t want that. Because it is a big deal. So how do you balance… 

Candice: Why did you do that? Tell him for the rest of that night that “it’s okay”? 

Client: I don’t know why I did that. 

Candice: I think it was probably the same reason. You wanted him to be happy. You took the lobster because you were like “he’ll be happy, he’ll feel good about himself.” And so reassuring him, you thought, would probably also make him feel good about himself.

Client: Yeah, but it ruined dinner because I had to sit there and say, “It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine. You’re doing a lot better. You don’t do it all the time”. But that’s going to be part of this process till it changes the behavior. So I need to think… I need to change the way I think about that. 

Candice: Think about what? 

Client: Think about “oh, now I’ve got to make sure he doesn’t have doesn’t have his feelings hurt.”

Candice: What happens if he does have his feelings hurt? Why is that something we need to avoid?

Client: That’s a good question. That’s a good question. Because if I had said, “Yeah, you did.” It… ooo… it hurts me to say that… 

Candice: Because why? 

Client: I don’t want to hurt his feelings. 

Candice: Because what happens if he has hurt feelings. 

Client: Well… I don’t… I… I don’t know. 

Candice: Okay. So right now, the options you’ve given yourself are: I reassure him all night OR he has hurt feelings. And we don’t like either of those options. 

Client: Yeah. So where’s the middle ground on this? That’s what I’m trying to figure out.

Candice: Yeah, let’s see, what do we come up with?

Client: Well, because…  because after I’ve assured him several times, it starts to not be fun for me. And then I want to say something like, “Look, yeah, you did. Let it go.” which is not going to be very kind and nice. But I would like to say it. 

Candice: Why is that not kind or nice? Like, who says that’s not kind or nice?

Client: I say, that’s not kind or nice. That’s just gonna make it worse. 

Candice: How? 

Client: Because now I got mad at him about it. He will think… maybe he won’t think that… 

Candice: Do you…  do you think you have to be mad at him to say, “Let’s let it go?”

Client: Um, no… 

Candice: What if that’s really kind? And you’re like, “Honey, you did screw that up. Totally. And I love you. And I don’t want to spend all night talking about it because I wanna spend time with you. So let’s let it go.”

Client: Ooo.. because I need you in my ear telling me to say that. That would have been the perfect thing to say. 

Candice: But it’s just because you think it’s mean, and you got “mad” at him… that’s why you didn’t say it. But maybe that’s not the only way.

Client: But I didn’t… but I didn’t say it. I could have said… “Hey, yeah…”  it’s the tone of your voice. It’s the way you say it. “Yeah, yeah, you did…” 

Candice: And it’s the belief you have right?

Client: Oh maybe. 

Candice: Like, what if we believe…what if we believe he can screw up and we can tell him he screwed up and still have a good day after that?

Client: Ooohhh… yeah, doesn’t have to be the end of the world, right?

Candice: I mean, maybe not. Especially since he was one who said it first. He already knew he messed up.

Client: That’s right. I like that. I like that a lot. “Yeah. Okay. Yep, you did. You ordered for me again. But I still love you. And I do like lobster. So let’s have a great dinner.” I could have done that. That would…that would feel better to me. 

Candice: And then he might still feel something about it. And that’s okay. We can make room for his feelings. But we would know that you aren’t mad. You’re like, “I see how both of us contributed to this. You ordered for me. And I didn’t push back. So we both created this problem. And we can still have a good night.” That’s what you’re going to be operating from. And then he gets to decide if he wants to come with you or not. But that’s his business, not yours.

Client: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I think that would work. Yeah. Yeah, I like that. Because you’re, I’m addressing the issue. “Yep. This is what happened. But…” not but… but it is a bad word… 

Candice: and… 

Client: And, “and we still have a good meal. And we get to spend time together. And it’s okay.” Yes. Yes. 

Candice: You ordered for me, because you think that’s loving and you had nice intent and I didn’t actually want lobster and I didn’t tell you no and we don’t have to talk about it all night and I want that to change. All of it. And I appreciate the gesture. And don’t do it again. All of it. 

Client: Yes. Oh, that sounds easy. I’m going to write that down and try that.

Candice: What would you have to believe in order to say, all the ands that we just went through? What would you have to be thinking?

Client: I think what I would have to be thinking is acknowledging, acknowledging, acknowledging what happened. This is what happened. It’s his fault, and it’s my fault. Or even if it’s all his fault… 

Candice: Yeah, even if it is… 

Client: it wasn’t intentional, he didn’t do it intentionally to hurt me. And he thought he was doing the right thing. Okay. I acknowledge you did that. It was done with the good intent. And I changed my mind and wanted something else. And I could have stopped it then. And let’s have dinner. I would… I can believe that now. That sounds believable to me. Because I’m acknowledging what he did, and acknowledging that’s not what I wanted. And proposing a solution. Put that aside and, and go on with the night. That feels good to me. And believable. Believable. And not just saying, “Oh, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it” because it’s not fine. I mean, it doesn’t have to be terrible… but it’s not just “oh…:

Candice: It’s not something you want to repeat, but it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. 

Client: Right. Right, right. Yes. I like that.

Candice: So in order to do that, where you acknowledge all of the truth, you’d have to believe something like, this is what you said, I’m just recapping: It’s okay if he has feelings. It’s okay if you feel a little awkward about that. It’s okay. I can acknowledge a mistake without being mad about it. This doesn’t have to run our night. You’d have to believe that family of thoughts in order to tell him the truth like that. 

Client: See, I think I can’t believe that with that little bit of a tweak. Whereas I’m not giving him Get Out of Jail Free card, which means he didn’t learn anything and he’ll do it again, which sounds punishing. But I’m just giving even the message that, “Yeah. Don’t do that again. You realize that. Next time we’ll do better, and let’s move on.” It’s making a point without pouring salt in the wound, just if you will, kind of a thing, which seems kinder to me. So I think you were right. What if that is kind? I think it is. 

Candice: Yeah, it’s honest, right? 

Client: Yes. Yes. And there. See, that’s the other part. I don’t have to say that his… his desire to not have his feelings hurt is more important than my desire to not eat lobster. 

Candice: For sure not more important. 

Client: That seems fair. Yeah. Yeah, that’s that’s… 

Candice: and maybe we don’t have to pick one or the other

Client: Right. Right. Right.

Candice: We can be like, yeah, you feel a little awkward. That was a mistake. And let’s come together and move on. I love you. It’s all fine. But don’t do it again. Like we can not make it be this like devastating experience for him.

Client: Right. 

Candice: and you can still have what you want. And if he wants to mope about it, he can and we don’t have to make that mean that you were unkind.

Client: Right, right. Exactly. Oh, that feels so different to me. That feels so different. 

Candice: Yeah. 

Client: It feels… it feels less doormat-y. 

Candice: Right? Right! Yeah. Cuz you don’t just have to, like, bend over and let him do whatever. 

Client: Exactly. I don’t just walk right over me. I’ll do what you want. That’s how that feels. I’m glad you understood that term. Because that’s how it feels to me – is I can eat the lobster and enjoy the lobster without…  and enjoy it without…  No, I could enjoy it knowing that he understands the position. Not, you think you did this great thing for me. And I’m sitting here eating this lobster, I didn’t want.  Yes, I can do that. That’s not that hard. I can do that.

Candice: For everyone listening, this is where we want to go. We want to go with something that feels true already. And also feels good and feels believable, because that’s what’s gonna help it stick the next time you’re driving past a lobster special. And then, and then it’s going to be funny eventually. Because then you and your husband can be like, this is that lobster special thing? Please stop. And it can be like an identified vocabulary word for you. And then we get funny. 

Client: Which is awesome. Yes. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Thank you, that feels so different to me. It feels loving and kind. And like you said, in time, it will be funny and not punishing. I really like it… 

Candice: It can be funny whenever you want it to be like, you can just be like, “This is amusing.”  And he may not come with you right away. And that’s okay.

Client: Yeah

Candice: You can just be like, “Oh, I recognized this thing in our life. Good job me. I recognize this pattern that I don’t like, I know how to take care of it. I know how to notice it. Good job me. So awesome.” 

Client: Yeah. Oh, I like that. It’s so simple, but I never would have thought of that. So I’m getting a new thought. See, that’s good. 

Candice: The new thought is “It’s okay if he feels upset. It’s okay if we acknowledge his mistakes. And it doesn’t have to run our night if we tell the truth about something that we didn’t love.” 

Client: Yep, yep. Awesome.

Candice: Anything else to say on that right now?

Client: No, I’m just gonna sit here and savor this little moment that I can figure out how to stop… because I’ve made progress in speaking up, but there’s some days it’s like, “oh, it’s just not worth it.” But then there’s always the downside after. But this now, I, it’s not going to be as hard as I thought it was. So this is a two step process to solve this, which is great. I’m just going to enjoy this for a minute.

Candice: And one more thing as we close out. The only reason that wouldn’t be worth it is because you think it’s gonna be real hard to do. 

Client: Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Candice: Because we never think like, “it’s not worth it to close the back door”, because we’re like, “that doesn’t take too much effort, I can totally do that.” It’s always worth it right. But when we think this is a big giant task that might cause a problem, that’s when the worth it thing comes in. But remember, it’s fine. If he has hurt feelings, it doesn’t mean our night has to be ruined. We can take care of that. I can acknowledge his mistake without being mad at him. There’s no like, worth it question in there because it’s not that much effort. Right? 

Client: Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yes.

Candice: Well, thank you for sharing. I know that that’s gonna be helpful to a lot of people listening. So thank you so much for bringing that here today. 

Client: Oh, my pleasure. Thanks for your help. I appreciate it. 

Candice: All right. Take care.

Client: Bye.

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And there you have it – that’s exactly what we do in the Defying Gravity Revolution: We choose to believe that we are deeply loveable and we find evidence – on purpose – of how that’s true.

We listen to ourselves about changes we’d like to see and pep talk ourselves on purpose to do the work that brings us the marriages we really love to live in.  We know that love is available and we stay busy making sure we always get our share.

We are BEES and Bees don’t care what humans think is impossible.

Keep your ears out for every 12 or so episodes for more sneak peeks into what it’s REALLY like to be a Bee in the Defying Gravity Revolution.

We actively choose to live as women supporting other women by spreading these messages of empowerment and freedom. Every. Single. Sunday.

Be sure you’ve subscribed to and shared this podcast so that won’t miss a second of the love we are spreading.

All of us here in the Defying Gravity Revolution Hive thank you for helping to create a world where more women stop caring what humans think is impossible.

Choose courage, Bee and keep on flying!