Episode 61 – No one better than you, Babe

‘s Up, Bees?!

If you’re listening to this episode on the day that it dropped – Sunday, Dec 8, 2024 – you’ve still got time to set yourself for a transformed marriage in 2025. 

Because, TODAY is the VERY last day of the annual Candice Toone Coaching birthday sale. 

Both tiers of Defying Gravity Rising – my signature group coaching program – are 50% off through midnight tonight. 

I know that there are lots of different strategies for supporting your marriage. 

I get that there are seasons of life with differing energy levels and varying time constraints. 

Which is why I host two distinct opportunities for engagement with this work:  

First – The Honey Pot for the self-study, independent types to dip in to my vault of 

resources at their leisure with full privacy + an anytime message board and monthly 

opportunities to chat with me live. 

and

Second – Swarm Sisters for the gals to work in community and share social support on 

twice weekly calls + quarterly workshop experiences. 

If you’re looking for an intensely supportive mentorship where it’ll be EASY to spot AND CELEBRATE your progress…

If you’re open to seeing and snatching up all of the possibilities in your path…

If you’re ready to stop letting good enough be good enough… 

NOW IS YOUR TIME

TODAY IS THE DAY. 

We’ve put the enrollment links in the show notes, so head there to claim 50% off through tonight at midnight MT. 

Once you click, you’ll get immediate access to all the resources and within the first few weeks, I promise you’ll see your marriage start to transform in really meaningful ways. 

Gonna be fun.

And – no matter which experience you choose – please know that we will ABSOLUTELY address the topic of today’s episode in much greater depth. 

The most common complaint I hear from the women thinking about working with me AND from the women I’m already working with is that they are SICK AND TIRED of being the only one putting any work into the marriage. 

Women often tell me it’s so exhausting to KEEP. GOING. FIRST. 

And it can be. 

I’m not gonna pretend it isn’t. 

I am here today to validate the very real heaviness of carrying your marital load. 

Because without that validation, it can be tempting to cling to the heaviness for longer than necessary to PROVE that it’s real. 

No need to prove that here. 

I know – like REALLY KNOW – that marriage is work. 

I’d love us to partner together to make sure that the kind of work you’re doing is the kind of work that WORKS. 

Because for better or worse is NO JOKE… 

And sometimes it’s sorta shocking to see what for better or worse really means…

No one should have to go through that shock all alone. 

No one deserves to have the pain of missed expectations diminished or denied. 

We won’t do that around here. 

We believe you about the painful parts of your marriage. 

We’ll hold you through that for as long as you need. 

AND

We’ll believe that you are capable of making the process a whole lot lighter. 

Especially when you lean on us for help. 

There’s a kid on my son’s baseball team whose mother always yells the same thing when he gets up to bat. 

“No one better than you!” 

I love her chant because while baseball IS a team sport, there’s also a fair amount of pressure on the individual to hit the homer, throw the fastball and make the play. 

So I think it’s nice that this mama consistently reminds her son that he knows what he’s doing, he’s put in the work and she KNOWS he’s the right man for the job. 

Since you’re reading this, you might be feeling consumed with exhaustion from always being the one who has to go first to fix your marriage. 

You’re probably frustrated to be the only one doing ANY work on the relationship. 

First, that’s valid. 

And for what it’s worth… you have my permission to take as many breaks as you need as often as you want to for as long as you want to. 

No one can survive a constant state of exertion. 

If your marriage feels like that – give yourself a weekend off. 

Really. 

Read a book. Take a walk. Write angry things in your journal. 

Refuel yourself. You deserve it. 

And second – you can scowl at me now if you want as I tell you the same thing my baseball mam friend tells her kid: no one better than you, Babe!

No. One. Better. Than. You. 

Why? 

Because you know you best. You know him best. 

You’re the most intimately acquainted with what you want for your future together. 

You’ve got the inside track on the inner workings of BOTH your brains. 

PLUS – 

You’re the one who actually has to live in the life and marriage you create. 

No one else is as deeply touched by your personal day-day experiences as you are. 

Now… don’t get me wrong, I totally understand wanting someone else to be in charge.

I’ve indulged in the Pretty Woman-type fantasies where my husband shows up in a tux and a limo to whisk me away to a life of ease. 

Some days I’ve felt ready to settle for the fantasy of someone else deciding “what’s for dinner?” and making sure we’ve got the groceries on hand. 

I’m kidding a little, but only to emphasize how normal it is to wish for someone else to take a turn. 

Your brain is wired to save energy. So it’s constantly scanning for the least-work-intensive way to get you what you want. 

And – of course – the least-work-intensive way is to wish for someone else to take on the work. 

Nothing wrong with your brain. 

Your brain has correctly identified that it would be easier if your husband finally figured out how to do and say all the things you want him to do and say. 

Just like your husband’s brain has correctly identified that the easiest way for him to get what he wants is if YOU finally figured out how to do and say all the things he wants you to do and say.  

It can be helpful to consider that the desire for someone else to do all the changing isn’t malicious. It’s not necessarily about trying to control the other person. 

All that’s happening is… your brain wants to save you some energy and give you a break.

Of course. 

No need to be impatient with him or critical of you. 

Your brain is simply brain-ing… as brains were meant to do. 

As you look closer, you’ll probably notice that you tend to want a break from going first with the marriage work when it seems that your efforts aren’t paying off – when your marriage is stuck on fine or has sunk into a funk. 

The 3 main reasons marriages tend to settle in to “fine” or sink into a “funk” are:

focus – meaning your goal/complaint is too general to identify a clear, actionable path forward

”We need to be more spontaneous.”

”He doesn’t care about what’s important to me.”
fear – meaning you know what you want, but don’t dare to bring it up because you’re “pretty sure” things will go the way you expect them to

”He always gets annoyed when I bring that up…” 

”I wish, but we would never be able to do something like that.”

follow through – meaning you try something once, or even a couple of times and then never again OR you sorta try – with vague hints and suggestions – but never quite say what you really mean

”Better not bring that up again… it bombed badly last time.”

“Did you see the decorations on the Miller’s front lawn? So pretty.”

All of the above is born from what you think about YOU, about HIM and about the TWO OF YOU TOGETHER.

Whether you’re aware of it or not.

Most women come to coaching looking for increased communication skills and an expanded ability to practice patience.

They also report having tried new recipes, sexy lingerie and revived date nights to rekindle the dwindling connection.

Many have spoken to their sisters, their clergy, or even a therapist (sometimes two) to try to set things right in their marriage.

Almost everyone I work with has listened to podcasts and read multiple books.

Some of that works.

But none of it sticks without you taking a close, intimate look at what you believe about yourself as a wife, as an influencer in your family, and as a powerful creator (or not) in the life you really, really want to lead.

When you look closely at your situation, you’ll see trends that bleed out of the way you see yourself.

Those trends – if not consciously chosen – always SLOW DOWN the transformations you’re trying to create.

🤢 If you believe “I hate conflict”, that’ll likely show up as you swallowing your desires and compromising your dreams.

🤢 If you’re thinking “I can always get to that later”, you’ll probably end up disliking your present + missing opportunities in the now.

🤢 If you find yourself saying,”I’m not really good at making big decisions”, you’ll likely live at the mercy of decisions others make.

If you’re tired of doing all the work in your marriage…

If you’re sick of going first all the time… 

Lean in close and hear this truth – it doesn’t matter how many books you read or how many podcasts you listen to… 

Your marriage won’t permanently change because of sexy new lingerie or fancy recipes… 

The foundation of change is how you choose to see yourself. 

And my guess – you’re probably not yet choosing how to see yourself in a purposefully conscious way. 

Most people don’t. 

Not because they don’t want to. 

Just because you probably weren’t ever told that you could pick the way you want to see yourself. 

You – like most of us – probably just absorbed messages from what you heard other people say about who you were, from things you read, examples you saw. 

In BOTH tiers of Defying Gravity Rising – which is still on sale for 50% off through midnight MT tonight, Dec 8 – we help you stop working yourself into exhaustion through constant DOING and help you figure out how to work yourself into success through purposeful THINKING. 

Not only in your want habits, 

Not only in your skill at deciding, implementing and evaluating

But also in evolving the way you view yourself as a wife

as someone who makes BIG things happen in her life

as someone who deserves to be cared for and supported

I promise you… the way you see yourself holds you back WAY more than any issues you’ve identified in how easy it is for you two to collaborate on parenting, how clean you’re able to keep your home or how often you and husband can effectively plan for retirement.  

The way you see yourself  – most of which is tucked away in your subconscious – perpetuates themes that bleed out of your self-concept and SLOW DOWN the transformation you want to see in your life and marriage. 

Because you can only create the amount of success and connection that your self-concept can comfortably hold.

I know you might want to tell me that your troubles stem from your husband being emotionally available or from your tendency to shut down when you try to communicate. 

Those things are hard – for sure – AND the reason he’s emotionally unavailable is based on the way HE sees himself. 

You shutting down comes from your beliefs about your role in the marriage and the power you do or don’t have. 

Every. Time. 

This is true whether you’ve been married three days or three decades. 

And in Defying Gravity Rising we work to unravel and rewrite the way you see yourself, the way you see him and the way you see the two of you together. 

All so you can claim more of what you really, really want in a simple, sustainable way. 

Simply stated: 

the more you believe – no one better than me, the more you’ll get what you really, really want. 

the more energized you feel when you say “no one better than me” the quicker you’ll get where you want to go. 

Watch for phrases like: 

I’m not good at… 

I’ve never been able to… 

I can’t… 

I’m not ready… 

He doesn’t love me…

He always says no… 

That’ll never be important to him… 

When you start listening to yourself more closely, your particular flavor of limitation will reveal itself and this is good news. 

Because when you know what your flavor is – you can decide ON PURPOSE THIS TIME to keep it or not. 

If you believe that you shouldn’t invest energy, time or money in yourself – you won’t… 

If you believe that you can’t handle friction – you’ll let important conversations fester… 

If you don’t see yourself as a decision maker – you’ll never make them…

If you don’t see yourself as someone who’s desires matter – you won’t serve them…

The way you think about yourself as a habit REALLY MATTERS because when you’re in crisis – you WILL revert to your most familiar self-concept – even if it’s painful. 

So do yourself the favor of working to make your most familiar self-concept one that serves you. 

I make solid decisions and support myself in them. 

I know my needs matter. 

I can make room for mine and my husband’s complex emotions. 

We can handle even this. 

That last one is my favorite because it assumes competence and capability. 

It also assumes that you and your guy are a team. 

Which – really… is pretty much the foundation of what every one of us really, really wants. 

If you’re interested in refining your self-concept alongside us Bees in Defying Gravity Rising – today’s the day. 50% savings stop at midnight MT. 

And… if you’re listening to this episode on December 9 or beyond, please know that the links in the show notes still work. 

Go ahead and click. 

I’ll take care of you. 

Until then, choose courage, Bee – and Keep. On.  Flying.