Episode 65 – Bees in the Wild – Round 5

‘s Up, Bees?!

It’s that time again! I’m here bringing you another installment of Bees in the Wild.

I know that you’re curious about what marriage coaching actually sounds like in real life.

I’m not surprised if you’re wanting more examples of how this type of work might actually go.

Best news is – some of the Bees in Defying Gravity Rising have graciously offered to let you listen in as we sort out some of their stickiest marriage situations.  

These are REAL conversations. No script. No editing. Just REAL women working together to find REAL possibility where only pain existed before.

Enjoy!

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Candice: All right, hi. What would you like some coaching on today?

Client: So, my husband, Gary has… um… He’s doing some really good things. He’s trying to make some shifts in his life. And some of them include, just… like, being happier and being a better person. And that’s good, because that’s good for me. But he’s also like he’s wanting to get in better habits of exercising again. He was really good through the summer. And then hunting season always rough… so he was trying to get back into habits. And he thinks that would just be really awesome if we worked out together every morning, or at least, well… 3-5 mornings a week at like 5:30 or 6 in the morning. And I have a really intense negative reaction to that.

Candice: Why do you think that is?

So I’ve been thinking about it a little bit. Some of it is, a couple years ago, we worked out together and it was good. Like 90% of the time. Once in a while, we got a little ornery with each other. But most of the time, spending time with each other is really good. So like, it should be a good thing. But I also have this like he.. he started working out with his buddies several years ago and kind of just dropped me. 

Candice: mmmm

Client: And so I have like some of that bubbling up like: Well, yeah, now you want me to work out with you… because nobody else is. I’m way down the list… and… and then there’s also this thought of like, “Yeah, this is for you. It’s not about me. You don’t care about me. This is what you want to do. The workout you want to do, it’s when it’s good for you.” So I’m just like, “I don’t want anything to do with you.” 

Candice: Okay, but let’s stop right there. It makes total sense then, right? 

Client: Yeah. 

Candice: If you’re like, “Oh, yeah. So I’m the backup option. And by the way, it’s not for me at all.” Nobody wants to sign up for that. So the intense negative reaction as you called it makes sense, right?

Client: Yeah, it does. It totally makes sense.

Candice: Okay… and… 

Client: So I guess what I want coaching on and help with is like, I can see that. And I think I’m giving myself space. And we had this conversation a little over a week ago, I think I’m giving myself giving myself space to kind of work through that. And there’s good reasons why it would be good for us to work out together would help me be more accountable, it would help him be more accountable.

Candice: What if we left him out of it for a minute. He’s just over there. Do you want to work out on the schedule, that has been proposed? Like is that what you would pick for yourself?

Client: Yeah, um, so it was funny. I’ve been thinking about this. And I thought… no.  Like, I don’t want to do… I think what I want to do is… I’d like to work with our with him, like two mornings a week. 

Candice: Okay. At 5:30a or whatever? 

Client: Whatever. Yeah, I don’t even care about the time. .

Candice: Okay, so your ideal is: Let’s do it together two times a week. That’s what I’m willing to do. That’s what sounds good to me. 

Client: Yeah, that sounds good. 

Candice: Okay, what would happen if you said that to him?

Client: I think he would be fine with it… like…. Uh…  I think what the problem comes in for me is I still hold some of the same thoughts. They are still kinda coming up a little bit. LIke… I’m not sure how to give myself space for being human and being, you know, feeling like I’m not being treated the way I want to be or whatever. But also still do what I want to do… 

Candice: How are you not being treated the way you want to be treated here?

Client: I don’t know that I’m not. That’s like in the past. 

Candice: And it makes sense that it’s coming up, but that’s how we that’s how we like, shift it. It’s like, in the past, that’s true. So my body is guarding me against being ditched. And also just like making decisions that are only for him. My body’s guarding against that. That makes sense. So what I’m going to do, body…  I hear you…  I’m going to… if he decides to ditch me again, I’m gonna for sure advocate around that. And I’m also maybe even going to tell him up front, “Hey, I want to do this with you. But then we’re in it. And if you want to work out with your friends that’s going to need to be in addition to, not instead of… because that’s gonna hurt my feelings. So we could set that boundary with him. And we could also be like, if at any point, this starts to be something I don’t want to do. And it’s only for him then I’ll reevaluate.

Client: Maybe that’s… yeah, I like that. I think maybe that’s the problem for me. I don’t like showing up guarded. Like often… yeah… I don’t know… 

Candice: What don’t you like about it? 

Client: Because it’s almost like I’m expecting him to be mean or hurt my feelings in some way and so it’s almost like I make that happen. 

Candice: How can you make that happen?

Client: I’m not as kind and as happy or fun to be around like I sometimes, because I’m guarded, I’m more… I’m probably even more mean in being guarded.

Candice: Is there a difference between guarded and prepared?

Client: Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t know if I know what those look like.

Candice: Let’s just imagine that you’re going to Seattle, like on a trip, just yourself? And what do we know about the weather in Seattle? If you know anything.

Client: It’s rainy. 

Candice: Yeah. So you’d probably pack some things. Right? 

Client: Right. 

Candice: Like what? 

Client: Jacket? Umbrella? 

Candice: Yeah. And maybe some galoshes or something. Right? 

Client: Yeah. 

Candice: Yeah. But then if it was sunshiny the whole time you were there…

Client: Uh-huh

Candice: Then you’d just leave them in your bag, right?

Client: Uh-huh.

Candice: And I’m wondering if we can do the same sort of thing here. Like, we’re open to that this is going to be a really fun time. But if it’s not, then here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m going to be ready and prepared with this, but I’m going to leave it in my bag until I need it. Instead of just wearing your galoshes and your umbrella all day, even if the sun’s out.

Client: Yeah, cuz I think  that’s what I do. Like preparatory get defensive, just in case I’m gonna need to be. 

Candice: How can you tell if you’re in that space? Like what does guarded feel like?

Client: I mean, it’s, it’s a little bit of that response in my body. 

Candice: It for sure is. But what does it feel like… if you’re gonna describe to me like, what guarded feels like so I could maybe like draw it or recognize it in myself? How would you describe it?

Client: How does it feel in my body? 

Candice: Yeah. 

Client: It’s like expansive. In my trunk and core. It feels tight. Even a little bit of nausea. 

Candice: Okay. 

Client: Like I’m fidgety.

Candice: Yeah. Okay. So if we noticed that expansiveness… that sort of tight through the trunk area, and we’re feeling fidgety… we can be like, “Oh, I’m wearing my galoshes. I’m wearing my slicker. That’s fine that I am. I’m used to it being rainy. Let’s just check if it’s raining though.” Like in the moment. And then your job and your work, if you want it, is to be like, “Okay, right now he’s playing his music and doing his reps and smiling at me and it might not be raining. So maybe I can just cue into the safety that’s here. And like, relax the guardedness but not be mad at myself that it’s here. I’m just going to notice it and be like, “Yeah, it makes sense because it rains a lot. It’s not raining right now though. So let me lean into it. I’m going to keep my rain stuff right over here if I need it. Because I know what I’d do.”

Client:  Yeah. I like that. I can tell that’s… that’s the skill that I want to work on.

Candice: And the skill is going to be easier to work on. If you’re not like, “Dang it. I’m guarded again. Why am I guarded?” Because it makes sense why you’re guarded. Right? So just be like, “I’m just going to notice and not be mad at myself. And then I’m just gonna decide if I need it or not.”

Client: I like that… and I think it’s funny. I think initially I’m okay that I’m guarded because I’m like, “okay, yeah, that makes sense.” And then I’m like, “okay, yeah, no, but how do we shift out of it?”

Candice: And that’s a good question. How do we? We answer: Yes, it’s raining. No, it’s not and if it’s not raining, then we clue into the safety cues: Gary’s smiling. We are laughing. This is working out just fine. That’s how we shift out of it. By checking if it really is dangerous or not. Right? We don’t just muscle our way out of it. 

Client: No, I like that and even creating safety cues for myself as well. 

Candice: Because we got to tell your body that it’s okay. 

Client: Yeah. That feels doable. 

Candice: Because we want our body to warn us of potential threats. That’s it’s whole job. And then we get to bring our brain online and be like, “Okay, body’s saying there’s a threat here. Let me just come and check and see if there is.” Without being mad at body. Without trying to shift body. I know you said you’re not mad in the beginning, but then you try and shift it real quick. 

Client: Yeah. 

Candice: We’re gonna shift it as a.. as a team in a conscious, purposeful way. And the way we do that is we check around: Is Gary mad right now? Is something bad happening? If not, let me lean into the fun we’re having together and expand my capacity to have fun with him again. If I’ve determined that it’s not dangerous. 

Client: Yeah.

Candice: And dangerous might be too strong a word. For everyone listening, it’s more like, “Is it dangerous… like, am I gonna be emotionally hurt? Or I’m gonna be like…  have my feelings hurt? which is… it’s not the same… I don’t mean dangerous, like, he’s not gonna hit you or anything. I just mean… Of course, if he is when we do something else, but if you’re just like, “Oh, I think I might get my feelings hurt, but it doesn’t look like actually will… let me just open to the possibility that I might not get my feelings hurt here. But thanks brain for warning me because I have got my feelings hurt lots of times in the past.”

Client: I think I’m going to make sure and give myself too…  like just the option to… if I’m feeling off or if he’s feeling off… then that’s fine, we can skip today. I’m not gonna worry about it. 

Candice: Totally. We can skip today without making it mean anything bad about us or our future as workout partners. And I’m gonna know, like we said at the beginning, that what hurt last time is that he stopped working out with me to go work out with his friends. So if that happens, I’m going to be prepared to advocate for myself. And if I stop liking working out in the schedule, I’m going to give myself an out on that too. Because I always want to give myself choices. Right now it sounds like I do want to workout two times in the morning. I’m willing to try it. But it doesn’t mean I’m committing to it forever. And I can organize it in a way that makes sense to my goals and my purposes.

Client: I like that. Because I think that was part of it too…  is like if I commit to this I’d have to commit. Yeah… 

Candice: Yeah… which feels very tight. And threatening.

Client: It does. But if I’m like oh, I’ve got choices all along. I’ve got choices I can shift or do whatever. 

Candice : Yeah, totally. A lot more open.

Client: Checking in with my brain, my body.

Candice: It makes sense why I’m feeling guarded. Let’s just see if I need my rain slicker today, here in Seattle. It’s not bad that I brought it with me. I’m so prepared. But I might not need it. And I might. So I’m gonna make the decision on purpose and thank myself for being prepared.

Client: Yeah, yeah. That feels better. It feels better to not be so like, what’s wrong with me?

Candice: Nothing’s wrong with you. You’re just like very skilled at protecting yourself. Which 

Client: Yeah, I want to be. 

Candice: Anything else you want to say on that today?

Client: I’ve got some good things to apply. There’s a lot of situations but yeah, I mean, this…. This is good. 

Candice: Awesome. Thank you so much for letting us talk about that today. I know that a lot of women are gonna use that same analogy of not being mad at themselves for being prepared. So thank you for going first with that. All right, we’ll see you around. Take care. 

Client: Thanks.

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And there you have it – that’s exactly what we do in Defying Gravity Rising: We celebrate ourselves for being resourceful and prepared while also staying open to the option that we might not need all the protective gear we’ve packed because it’s sunny skies today. 

We believe that even though we may be used to rain… sunny skies are a possibility. Even if that seems sorta impossible. 

Cuz we are BEES and Bees don’t care what humans think is impossible.

Be sure you’ve subscribed to and shared this podcast so that you won’t miss a second of the love we are spreading. Every. Single. Sunday. 

All of us here in Defying Gravity Rising thank you for helping to create a world where more women stop caring what humans think is impossible.

Choose courage, Bee and keep on flying!