Episode 67 – You Make Sense

Did you know the BIGGEST block between you and a marriage you love is the way you talk to yourself? It’s true. What’s also true is that you ALWAYS make sense. All of your words. All of your behaviors. ALL of it makes sense. Every time. Even if it doesn’t seem like it. Even if you’d rather not have said or done the thing you said or did. 

Listen in to this week’s episode to hear how believing you make sense – no matter what – will skyrocket your ability to get everything you really, really want. 

Mentioned in this Episode

Bonus Resources

Episode Transcript

‘s Up, Bees?! 

Happy Quitters Day! 

Did you know that was a thing? 

I didn’t. 

Until one of my client’s explained it to me during a recent private session. 

She said that essentially, January 19 – today – has been labeled “Quitters Day” because TODAY is the day that many people officially abandon the resolution they made on January 1. 

Who knew? 

Not me. 

Probably because I don’t really believe in resolutions. 

At least not the kind that you make only once a year on a special holiday. 

For me – and the Bees in Defying Gravity Rising – resolutions are something we do on the daily. 

Or… at least on the weekly with our Rise Up Reports. 

I outlined that process in detail in Episode 60. Feel free to go back and take a listen if you like. 

But for today’s purposes, let’s refresh your memory by simply saying that I believe it works best to develop on ONGOING, COLLABORATIVE relationship with setting a goal, going for it, recalibrating to incorporate the data you gathered by going for it and then going for it again. 

Rinse and repeat. 

All year long. 

Even on quitter’s day. 

The only reason to quit is that you’ve lost connection to your goal. 

The main reason you’d lose connection to your goal is that you’ve made the process of going for your goal unbearably uncomfortable.

Most of that is done unconsciously. 

A lot of it probably feels familiar. Normal, even. 

But uncomfortable nonetheless. 

Because it’s not fun to question whether or not you even deserve the goal. 

And it sucks to doubt whether you can get it. 

And it’s wholly discouraging to decide the progress you’ve made so far isn’t enough. 

That you’re never gonna get there. 

That what you’re doing doesn’t matter anyway. 

And let’s be real… ANYONE would quit on Quitters Day with all of that rattling around in their head. 

It’s so punishing to keep bathing in shame and doubt and disappointment and despair. 

No thank you. 

So… it makes sense why Quitters Day is a thing. 

AND

I know Quitters Day doesn’t have to be a thing for you. 

Because every day is a brand new day for you to heal your relationship with goal getting and to draw closer to the woman you are meant to be. 

Like we talked about last week with our Dares of the Day, it’s an option for you to infuse safety into the way you talk to yourself about your goals. 

Safety is a WHOLE lot easier to create when you really know that EVERYTHING you do or don’t do makes sense. 

I know you might be thinking there are exceptions because that one time you did THIS… but I truly do mean EVERYTHING you do or don’t do makes sense.

Whether you like what you’ve done or not is ACTUALLY IRRELEVANT to whether or not the thing you said or did makes sense.

Stay with me while I explain with examples. 

If you think your husband is going to be angry about the higher than usual credit card bill, it makes sense that you wouldn’t show it to him right away – or ever. 

If you’re pretty sure he’s gonna bring bad news home, it makes sense that you ate a whole box of comfort food cookies while you waited for him to get back home. 

This works for behaviors you LIKE to. Check it out. 

If you expect that your sister-in-law is a good listener, it makes sense that you’d confide in her. 

If you know that you’re good with a tool box, it makes sense that you went ahead and built the bookcase all on your own. 

All of these examples showcase how EVERY decision you make EVERY minute of EVERY day is born of what you believe about the world. 

About yourself. 

You may not love all of your beliefs. 

You may not even agree with them once they are found and spoken aloud. 

AND

Once you know what your beliefs really are, it’ll be easy to see how everything you did or said made PERFECT SENSE given what you were believing at the time. 

Again… doesn’t mean you have to keep any behavior you’re not a fan of. 

Doesn’t mean you have to continue saying things you’d rather not say. 

My point is that knowing what’s rattling around in your head will make it SO MUCH EASIER to see how you make a lot of sense. 

Knowing you make sense MATTERS because that knowledge ends the war between you and you. 

I’m sure you can guess that being at war with yourself causes lots of problems, but… to drive the point home… let’s look at several reasons. 

1 – it’s hard to really understand someone you disapprove of

2 – no one is motivated to understand someone they disapprove of – we just want the thing we disapprove of to stop or go away

3 – if you want yourself to stop or go away, you’ll end up looking away from or hide key data points that’d help you get more happiness in your life

4 – any energy spent hiding from yourself or trying to correct yourself is energy you CAN NOT spend on creative ways to advocate for what you really want 

Check it out. 

If you’re busy judging yourself for not wanting to host a dinner party for your neighbors, it’ll be pretty tough for you to figure out what EXACTLY is problematic about the party. 

If you don’t know what the problem REALLY is – then it’ll be pretty hard for you to solve it and set things up in a way that works better for you. 

See it? 

Let’s try another example. 

If you’re mad at yourself for breaking your workout streak YET AGAIN, you’ll probably miss the GOOD REASON you have for interrupting your flow. 

If you don’t know WHY you’re not following through with your workouts, it’ll be nigh unto impossible for you to get yourself the resources you’re craving to make your workout routine the no brainer you’re hoping it’ll become one day. 

How exactly does getting yourself resources make things better?  

Let’s go back to the dinner party to illustrate. 

If you only respond to yourself with a scolding for not being generous and hospitable, there’s no room to explore what’s making it hard for you to be generous and hospitable because you’re too busy telling yourself that’s NOT how you’re SUPPOSED to act… no ifs, ands or buts. 

BUT… 

When you assume you have a good reason for your aversion to hosting, it’ll be a lot easier to be curious about what the reason is. 

Because the implication of GOOD REASON is that it’s okay for your feelings to be there. 

(That’s always true by the way. Feelings are ALWAYS okay – even if they don’t feel okay.) 

It’s your option to view your feelings as blessed little messengers meant to deliver the truth of your experience directly to your door. 

Maybe the truth of the dinner party experience is NOT that you don’t want to have people over to share the warmth of your home but more that you’d really prefer to clean and decorate while someone ELSE does the cooking. 

Because you’re not terribly confident in your cooking skills and having them on display would STRESS. YOU. OUT. 

If we know that about you and allow for that to be true without judgment… THEN you’re able to delegate cooking to someone who’d be happy to do it OR you can keep looking for other options (ahem, takeout or cough, cough potluck) that allow you to strengthen friendships without forcing you to be trapped into something you’d really rather not do. 

We can do the same thing with the working out example. 

If you berate yourself for being an unmotivated, lazy butt every evening because you sat on the couch instead of heading to the gym, there’s NO room to explore why you aren’t going because you’ve now gotta hide from your own critical eye. 

BUT… 

When you assume you have a good reason for staying put on the couch – even when you know you don’t want to KEEP staying on the couch – it’ll be a lot easier to be curious about what the reason is. 

Because the implication of GOOD REASON is that it’s okay for your feelings to be there. 

(That’s always true by the way. Feelings are ALWAYS okay – even if they don’t feel okay.) 

It’s your option to view your feelings as blessed little messengers meant to deliver the truth of your experience directly to your door. 

Maybe the truth of your couch surfing is that you really don’t like going out in the dark and cold. You’re a little bit scared of walking through the parking lot in the dark and you hate driving during rush hour. 

When you know all of that, you can work on getting yourself a workout buddy to walk through the parking lot with you OR you could alter your drive time so you miss the post-work rush of traffic. 

Notice how NONE of your reasons were related to the workout itself. It’s not that you’re lazy or unmotivated or lacking in the fitness department. 

It’s simply that the conditions of the workout time you chose presented extra, unnecessary challenges that you could EASILY remove or adjust once you know what they are. 

Change the time or get a buddy and you find you start going to the gym again with less friction. 

It’s like magic when you let yourself know your good reasons for why what you’re doing (or not doing) makes perfect sense. 

Wanna try? 

Think of something you’ve been judging yourself for doing or not doing. 

If you’re having trouble coming up with something, listen in for your brain saying something like: 

  • It really wasn’t a big deal… 
  • I shouldn’t feel…
  • It’s really not reasonable to worry about… 
  • I can’t believe I haven’t been able to… 
  • I’m probably being too sensitive here… 
  • I’ll bet it’s all in my mind… 

You got something in mind? 

If not, pause this recording and take your time. 

This is important and SO are you. 

Okay. You ready? 

Next step is to open up to the idea that: 

  • It was a big deal and here’s why… 
  • My feeling there actually made sense… 
  • Of course I’d be worried about… 
  • Obviously you haven’t been able to ______ because… 
  • I’m the exact right amount of sensitive about this… 
  • It might not have been all in my mind… 

For just a minute, open up to the idea that you make sense. 

And when you know you make sense, take it a step further by consciously choosing to describe your reaction in an understanding way.  

Here are some examples from MY real life to help you get the idea: 

  • It makes sense that I yelled at my kid because I thought he wasn’t taking his school classes seriously and that made me think he’d lose his sports eligibility and his entire high school experience would be ruined. I didn’t want that for him, so I fought him in a loud and jarring way. 
  • Of course I feel ignored and undermined when I’m believing that my husband is letting my daughter stay up even though he heard me tell her it was past her bedtime. I don’t like being ignored by my partner in life, so it makes sense that I withdrew from that pain. 

In both cases, I’m not in love with the response I had in the moment. 

I don’t want to yell at my kid or scare myself about his future. 

I don’t want to be hurt that my husband doesn’t care about my priorities. It’s not my preferred strategy to pull away from  him. 

And yet… I was perceiving danger in the moment AND – if my perception of danger was correct (which it might have been and might not have been), if my perception of danger was correct my response makes perfect sense. 

I know that you might WANT to change your response when you behave in a way you don’t love. 

I also know you can’t change your response unless you change your perception AND it’s pretty tough to change your perception when all you’re seeing are danger cues. 

That’s true for you. True for me. True for ALL humans. 

Doesn’t mean our brains are correct in their perceptions… 

Only means that, for me, yelling made sense given my brain’s belief that my son was headed for a disastrous high school experience. 

Doesn’t matter that he’s only in 7th grade. 

In the moment, my brain was flooded with fear and I yelled to try to shut down the danger. 

Which makes sense. 

Doesn’t mean I have to stick with that story. Doesn’t mean I have to repeat that response. 

Only means that in that snapshot of time, given what I was thinking and fearing, my response made sense. 

In moments of calm, I can OBVIOUSLY see that there are several steps between the 2nd term report card of 7th grade and him becoming ineligible to play on a high school team he’s not yet a part of.  

But I can’t get to that place of understanding unless I lean in close to myself and – with the love of 1000 Hallmark movie grandmothers ask myself, “What’s the matter, baby girl?” and really mean it. 

That question, “What’s the matter, baby girl?” infuses love and concern into a tense situation. 

Love and concern ALWAYS makes room for things to calm down. 

Whereas judgment and dismissal – “He’s in 7th grade for crying out loud… why do you always have to overact???? – that tone ALWAYS kills curiosity and keeps us spinning in a cycle of self-criticism. 

No fun. 

No fun. Less progress. More hiding. 

Remember how last week we talked about honest awareness making up 80% of the likelihood that you’ll get what you want? 

Well… love and compassion and kindness pave the road to honest awareness. 

Which is why it’s SO important to believe that everything you do makes sense AND TO actively look for evidence of how that’s true. 

When you believe you make sense, you’ll automatically become more courageous in your life. 

More willing to go for the things you really, really want OR figure out why you aren’t going for those things right now. 

Again – this is SO important – you don’t have to agree with the thing you did or said in order to understand it. 

Understanding and agreeing with are not the same thing. 

I understand why people pay crazy entrance fees to scare themselves silly at haunted houses every October. I get that they love the rush… 

And… I don’t. 

You’ll never see me within 50 feet of a haunted place. 

I understand why other people attend AND I don’t agree that it’s a fun time. 

I understand why I yelled at my son AND I don’t agree that yelling is a preferable parenting strategy. 

Understanding yourself without agreeing with everything you’ve done is a game changer. 

You deserve to be playing the game of life on a team that LIKES and SUPPORTS you. 

That all starts in YOUR OWN HEAD. 

By looking for ways that you make perfect sense. 

Do yourself the favor of finding out how that’s true – at least until next Sunday when we talk again. Fly or flop, I’d love to hear about it. And I’d be honored to support you through it. 

Email me at candice@candicetoone.com to tell me everything.  

I promise to respond to EVERY message. 

Also – make sure you’re on my email list if you aren’t already. 

Because this year I’m hosting a series of workshops where we’ll do work like what we’ve done here today TOGETHER in real time. 

That’s what we do ALL day long in my signature group coaching program – Swarm Sisters – and it’s what YOU can join us for in the “pay what you want” series that’ll kick off THIS MONTH on January 31st. 

If you want the schedule of topics, so you can pick and choose what’s relevant to you – you’ve gotta make sure you’re on my email list. 

I’ve already announced the first three topics and you’ll be able to sign up for the first one after the next podcast drops next Sunday.  

For now… Get on my email list and Get excited.

All you’ve gotta do to get on the list is head over to www.candicetoone.com and grab my free course – look for the gold button in the upper right corner. 

Not only will you then be signed up to hear all the details about all the workshops I’m hosting this year (remember we’ll start on January 31st), but you’ll also get instant access to my mini course: “How to have the marriage you imagined when you said, “I do”. 

Can’t wait to hang out with you LIVE in the coming weeks and get to know you and your marriage a little bit better. 

Thanks for being here in this conversation with me today – I look forward to chatting again next Sunday. 

Until then, choose courage, Bee and keep on flying!

Are you ready to have the marriage you imagined when you said “I do”?

Click below to get the FREE course: How to have the marriage you imagined when you said “I do”. You’re worth it and you’re welcome.

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I’m Candice.

I believe that every wife ought to feel cherished and valued. Appreciated and adored. I know we can make that happen. Even if it seems impossible to you. I’m a Master Certified Life Coach and I spend my days coaching women who are afraid in their marriages. You and I can work together to find a way for you to trust in your own decisions instead of constantly reacting to his. Now’s your time, Bee. How much longer are you willing to wonder and wait?