Episode 69 – Reaction Sequence

‘s Up, Bees?! 

We are smack dab in the middle of the 20 seconds of courage experience – are you in? 

If not, there’s still time. 

You can act fast to snag the replay from the class we did on Friday, do the homework – it’ll take 15 mins max  – later today and then be all caught up and ready to decompress and discuss with us tomorrow at 10a MT. 

You COULD make it happen. 

All you gotta do is head over to the link in the show notes and get it done. 

But.. before you do… let’s take a second to observe your reaction sequence. 

I first heard of the term “reaction sequence” from one of my mentors, Stacey Boehman. 

A reaction sequence basically refers to the sequence of experiences that go off in your mind and in your body when you’re presented with something new. 

Like the invitation I just made for you to hop in on the 20 seconds of courage experience.  

Tune in to yourself for a minute. 

Try to suss out your gut reaction to my invite – Right now. In THIS moment… 

Was it – “Oh yay! Let’s go!” 

Or more, “Sounds fun, but it’s too short of notice. I’ll plan for next time.”

Or, “I’m not good at following through on stuff like that.” 

Or more like, “I’d like to, but not THIS weekend. My son’s birthday is coming up + we’re leaving on that big trip next Friday. I’d never be able to fit it all in.” 

Maybe it was even, “Wait… what did she say? Was she asking me a question?”

Scan your brain. Listen to your body. 

What shows up – automatically – when you consider my invitation to jump in on the 20 seconds of courage challenge with the rest of us this weekend? 

Whatever you hear in your brain and feel in your body – that’s probably your typical reaction sequence. And it likely holds consistent across a variety of scenarios. 

Which is really useful for you to know. 

Here’s why: 

Your reaction sequence reveals the kind of relationship you have with setting goals, with trying new experiences, with asking for help. 

It also hints at the relationship you have with yourself, with time and with your loved ones. 

Which is why it’s SO VERY IMPORTANT for you to know what your reaction sequence is AND… if you don’t like where your current reaction sequence has been taking you… to do the work to redirect all that.

Let’s do an example from one of my clients – one of my Bees – to illustrate. 

This particular Bee is deep in the 20 seconds of courage experience with me right now this weekend.  

She’s working on her goal to redecorate her son’s room. 

She knows how to do a lot of the redecorating on her own and she has been chipping away at it for weeks. Yay her! 

AND

There are some tasks that would be a LOT easier if her husband helped out. 

Moving furniture. Building shelves. 

It’s not that she COULDN’T do those things without him. 

She absolutely could. She’s creative and strong and resourceful. 

It’s just that having him on board to help would speed the process along. 

ALSO – let’s be real – every wife wants to be able to rely on her husband. 

Of course we do. 

Because when he helps, everyone wins – you get to be supported, he gets to feel appreciated and the marriage grows closer. 

All good things. 

So this Bee decided that her 20 seconds of courage experiment would be to ask him to help her out for a few hours on Saturday morning.

Took courage because she believes that he won’t want to. That he’ll whine a little bit or brush her off. 

So… she got really specific about what exactly she wanted to see happen. 

Made it very clear what success would look like. 

She supported herself in asking and gave herself some “atta girls” and “cuddles” once the ask was made.

Most women miss that part. The “atta girls”. The “cuddles”. The acknowledgement of doing hard things and the celebration of being courageous. 

Don’t do that, okay? Let yourself be impressed by you. As often as you can. 

Back to the story. 

She asked. 

He agreed. 

So far, so good. 

At this point, she must have thought her 20 seconds of courage experiment was complete because she then shifted to ask me for tips on how to handle it well when he didn’t follow through. 

And Bees – to be honest – I was actually pretty confused by her question… 

Until…

I realized that she and I were operating from VERY different reaction sequences in that scenario. 

Check it out. 

She’s anticipating that her husband might not show up as scheduled to help her on Saturday. 

That’s the “new” scenario that she was planning to face. 

Her reaction sequence went something like this: 

He’s not here, so I guess the project is stalled. How can I make sure I respond well when 

he doesn’t do what he promised? 

Now Bees – please hear me – this is not a “bad” reaction sequence. 

There are lots of things to love about it. 

1. She’s acknowledging humanity – both his and hers
   1. She knows he might forget and she’s planning not to judge him for it
   2. She knows SHE might be disappointed and she’s planning ahead to handle that emotion with grace and self-care
2. She’s taking charge of her experience by anticipating ahead of time and preparing herself for what might come
   1. She knows her husband’s track record and – realistically – it might turn out that her prediction about him no-showing will be correct

All of that is light years ahead of the reaction sequence that has her screaming at him, ruining their day, cursing herself for trusting an untrustworthy guy or otherwise damaging their relationship.

So kudos to her. 

(And – I have to say – that even if her reaction sequence WAS to scream and yell… there’s valuable information to be gained even there 

If you’re a screamer, I see you and love you – there’s probably something you need that you’re not getting and screaming really is the best you can do given your perception of limited resources AND I’m here to help you gain more resources for yourself whenever you want me to.)

Back to my Bee who’s reaction sequence had her planning to handle disappointment gracefully. 

She’s a rockstar for taking responsibility for her own reactions. 

Full stop. 

AND

I was confused by her question because my reaction sequence to that same stimuli (husband not showing up to do the thing he agreed to do) would go something like this: 

He’s not here and I’m allowed to investigate why. I can figure out what happened and 

either get the help I need from him OR move on to plan B. But my thing… yeah… 

that’s still happening. 

Let me be crystal clear. 

My reaction sequence in this scenario is NOT superior to hers. 

It’s just that her reaction sequence will result in one reality and mine will most likely result in another. 

All I’m doing here is pointing out options. 

Option A – process disappointment and accept what was given

Option B – question what was given to see what wiggle room is available

These options matter because when we see that there ARE options available, the stakes get lower. 

When the stakes get lower, curiosity and compassion levels get higher. 

You’re less likely to berate yourself for having “too high of expectations.” 

You’re more likely to assume he meant to help and explore what happened from that lens. 

And that… my Bees… is the REAL gold mine of this 20 seconds of courage experience. 

Going for goals and watching yourself react as you go for them will introduce you to yourself in a highly intimate way. 

When you know yourself in a highly intimate way, you can more easily set yourself up for success. 

You can more easily soothe yourself when things go awry. 

You’ll be more willing to advocate for what you need and walk away from what you don’t. 

20 seconds of courage is about WAY more than checking things off your bucket list – though that will happen too. 

20 seconds of courage is about showing you how powerful you are in creating the life you want and saying no to anything less than what you deserve. 

20 seconds of courage will shine a light on your reaction sequence so that you’ll see the cracks in your relationship with yourself and figure out how to evolve your self-connection. 

20 seconds of courage WILL change you as a person. 

Rinsing and repeating 20 seconds of courage will show you how you’re more capable than you realized and more competent than you imagined. 

And when you know that you’re capable and competent, there’s no limit to what you can create for yourself and what you’ll enJOY in this life. 

So let me invite you again – will you come along and fly with us Bees in the 20 seconds of courage challenge. 

Register today using the link in the show notes. 

Then, do the homework this afternoon or evening – it’ll take you 15 mins tops. 

Finally, join us tomorrow at 10a MT to share what you’ve learned and set yourself up to rinse and repeat this skill all the way to a life and marriage that you LOVE to live in. 

This is one final invitation to let 20 seconds of courage seep into your psyche and CHANGE YOU as a woman. 

Not because you aren’t amazing as you are. 

You are. That’s a given. 

What I mean is – this is your shot to let 20 seconds of courage CHANGE YOU into the version of yourself who knows you deserve what you want and who is willing to courageously advocate for you to get it. 

Over and over. 

Head to the show notes right now and check out the 20 seconds of courage offer.

 It’s actively going on RIGHT NOW. 

This your time to get even more of what you really, really want in your life.

Starting today, let’s transform your life in the BEST possible way – 20 seconds at a time. 

Thanks for being here in this conversation with me today – I look forward to chatting with you live tomorrow. 

Until then, choose courage, Bee and keep on flying!