Episode 8 – The glasses we don’t know we’re wearing

‘s Up, Bees?!

Let’s talk mindset.

It’s a concept that gets tossed around in pretty much every goal setting, counseling and coaching community.

But what does it really mean?

And how do you know if you’ve got a “good” one?

A mindset is an invisible, internal lens through which you see (and don’t see) the world.

It’s the flavor you infuse into every comment sent your way.

The tint you assign to every challenge life offers you.

It shows up in the way you approach all of your tasks and it determines the perspective you bring to every experience.

So, basically… it’s pretty important to know which mindset you’re operating from and why.

Because your mindset colors what you believe is possible for you in this world.

It also dictates what you’re willing to do to get what you want or whether you’ll simply choose to accept whatever’s been handed to you so far.

Many people would argue that we’re all born with a predisposition to subscribe to one mindset over another.

It’s also very likely that you adopted a LOT of your mindset from your parents, your grandparents, your teachers, your friends and the types of books you read or movies you watched.

All mindsets evolved for a reason. A good reason.

Essentially, your brain believed that the mindset you currently have would be the best one to help you save energy.

The right one to bring you the most pleasure.

The best one to save you pain.

Could be that your brain was right about that and your current mindset is doing ALL of those things already. Nice job brain.

And if that’s not the case – good news – mindsets can shift.

Because mindsets are really just families of thoughts that your brain gravitates toward.

Habit thoughts, really.

And just like you can learn to stop biting your nails, you can learn to stop subscribing to a mindset that’s damaging your marriage or limiting your life.

That’s what the type of thought work we do in the Defying Gravity Revolution is all about.

We gather data about the type of mindset you’re operating from.

We decide if that’s serving you and the marriage you want to live in.

We practice together to shift your mindset if it’s not getting you where you want to go.

Such important and rewarding work.

I’m honored to be a part of that for each of my Bees.

So fun to get that train rolling with YOU right now.

Let’s start by identifying some common mindset continuums.

And let’s do so in the context of a common marital issue.

Say your husband uses up the last of the butter and doesn’t replace it.

He also doesn’t add it to the grocery list.

So… when you reach into the cupboard to grab the butter – in the middle of cooking dinner, mind you – all you get is a sad little EMPTY butter dish.

Ugh.

Here’s how the different mindsets might respond in that situation:

Growth vs Fixed

A growth mindset leads you to be a creative problem solver who believes there are multiple solutions and also believes everyone is capable of learning and growing.

Fixed mindset drives beliefs like: This is it. There’s nothing more. If the first option or attempt didn’t work, it’s done.

In the case of the absent butter, a growth mindset sounds like: “Okay. Maybe we can sub in some cream or run to the neighbor’s while this simmers.”

A fixed mindset is more like: “Whelp. This is what we got. Guess we aren’t having dinner tonight. No butter = no options.”

Scarcity vs Abundance

Scarcity mindset believes there’s not enough to go around and that what you’ve got is almost certainly on the brink of running out.

Abundant mindset believes there’s plenty to go around and not only that, but also that there’s always more available.

In the case of the absent butter, scarcity mindset worries that maybe there’s an actual butter shortage in the world. Or maybe your family is running out of money to buy butter. Or maybe it’s that there’s just no more time available to make it to the store.

Abundant mindset leads you to assume that there’s plenty of time, butter and money to go around and that getting more is an easy task.

Approach vs Retreat

An approach mindset drives you to dive right in and discuss things head on. Get your hands dirty right away. No time like the present and all that.

Retreat mindset has you sitting back to create a specific, detailed plan. It’ll have you observing, gathering data and weighing options before going in – if you ever go in at all.

In the case of the absent butter, an approach mindset would have you calling husband into the kitchen right away. You’d point out the deficit in the moment and open a dialogue right then and there.

A retreat mindset would have you keeping the inconvenience to yourself. You’d watch him for cues about his mood. You’d hang back and talk to him about it days later or maybe not at all.

Deserving vs Unworthy

If you’re operating from a deserving mindset, you generally believe that you deserve to take up space in the world, you expect to get your turn, you assume you’ll have your share. Not more than your share. You aren’t thinking you should get something at the expense of another person. You simply believe that you deserve resources and some space in the world – just like everyone else.

An unworthy mindset has you assuming that you won’t get the baseline of what other people generally get – and it makes sense that you won’t. You’re not good enough to take your turn or have your share. There’s something wrong with you so of course you’d get less.

In the case of the absent butter, a deserving mindset would have you believing that you deserve to have resources to cook dinner and that you deserve support from your husband in making that happen. Because you believe you deserve those things, you’d take steps to help that along. You’d get the butter yourself or ask him to run to the store.

If you’re operating from an unworthy mindset, it would just make sense to you that no butter is available when you need it. You might not even consider it a problem. Of course husband’s butter needs were more important than yours. Good thing he got the last of that resource.

Optimist vs Pessimist

You’re probably familiar with this one. An optimistic mindset believes that problems can be solved. It assumes that other people mean well and will be supportive. The general belief is that things can change for the better and they probably will.

An pessimistic mindset believes that problems cannot be solved or are VERY unlikely to be solved. It assumes that other people won’t care about the issue and definitely won’t help with it. The general belief is that things will more than likely get worse.

In the case of the absent butter, an optimistic mindset would assume that this was just an oversight, an accident and OF COURSE husband wants to make that better. He’ll certainly run to the store and he’ll probably bring back a treat as well.

A pessimistic mindset believes that he left the butter dish empty on purpose and he’s not going to care at all about how you were impacted. He’s going to do it again and it’s likely that he’ll start leaving empty cartons of milk in the fridge too.

Internal Locus of Control vs External Locus of Control

Locus of control mindset illuminates your belief about who’s in charge. Internal locus of control keeps the power with YOU – meaning that you generally believe you can influence things and incite change where you think it’s needed.

External locus of control assumes that things just happen because of fate or the whims or the universe and there’s nothing – or very little – you can do to impact or change your lot in life.

In the case of the absent butter, an internal locus of control leads you to take charge. It believes getting more butter is totally in your power and it believes it’s definitely an option to lead a problem solving discussion with your husband where you delegate responsibility and solve this forever.

External locus of control has you thinking – well… he’s going to do what he’s going to do and that’s it. I can’t MAKE him do anything, so I just gotta make the best of whatever he decides to do – even if I don’t like it.

It’s possible that there are more mindset variations, but this is a good list to start you off thinking about how you tend to think.

It’s okay if it takes a little time and observation to dial in your awareness of your tendencies.

It makes perfect sense if that’s how it goes down.

BECAUSE

All brains love to be efficient. They are designed to conserve energy – just in case an energy intense emergency pops up. Your brain wants to be ready.

So, it automates as much of its functioning as it can.

Sometimes that automation is super useful.

For example, it’s nice that you don’t have to think through the steps of brushing your teeth every time you do it and it’s great that you probably don’t have to think through driving directions to your kids school or your gym.

You know how to do those things, you’ve done them hundreds of times – so you brain has flipped that functioning into autopilot.

A lot of that automation is really useful. It’s nice to be able to whip up some recipes without a lot of concentrated thought.

Other times, automation gets you in trouble.

Like when you assume you know how a conversation with your husband will play out.

Assumptions like that leave no room for change or growth.

Which probably isn’t what you want when you’re thinking about a conversation pattern that isn’t your favorite.

Again, your brain makes unflattering assumptions about how the conversation will likely go because brains love certainty.

In fact, brains love certainty SO much that they will often prioritize habitual thoughts over happy ones.

Brains care most about energy conservation and ease – even if it comes at the expense of kindness and connection.

Works great for teeth brushing and repeated recipes.

Not so much for relationship patterns.

Unless you want to stay locked in a pattern you really don’t like.

Which I’m guessing you don’t.

Now, to be fair to you – it’s important to acknowledge that you came by your current mindset honestly.

You were born with a tendency and that tendency was reinforced by your parents and friends.

Mindsets also reinforce themselves because you see what you look for – and your mindset colors your view of the world.

You developed your mindset for a reason. A GOOD reason.

It’s also yours to lose or keep.

You can purposefully orient to a new mindset whenever you want to.

Start that process by noticing your current mindset without judgement. Simply think about your thinking a little bit more than you usually might.

What are you thinking that led to the way you approached that challenge?

What’s going on in your brain that guided you to interpret his comment that way?

Might sound something like: “Huh… so fascinating that my brain tends to go there… I wonder why?”

Be sure to assume that you have a good reason for thinking the way you naturally do.

That assumption will make uncovering the reason a WHOLE LOT easier.

The reason is almost always some need you have – so look in that category.

Once you know what need is driving things, you’ll naturally open your brain to explore whether that same need can be satisfied in a new way that YOU like better.

A shift in mindset makes new thoughts available for the choosing.

But… that choosing will NOT be automatic.

At least not at first.

Be patient with yourself. Notice your practiced thought patterns without judgment.

Practice new thoughts on purpose.

Rinse and repeat.

It IS a process AND it’s a process you can totally manage.

I have no doubt.

If you want some more help as you navigate your mindset shift, be sure to grab a copy of my book – Wife on Purpose.

You can get a free ecopy at candicetoone.com/resources.

If you prefer paperback, head over to Amazon and place your order.

I’m telling you now so that you can start reading TODAY.

Us Bees are reading from now until early December and THEN we are coming together for discussion and coaching every day from the 5th through the 8th.

This time round, these book club meetings will be TOTALLY free.

All you’ve gotta do right now is grab your book, get to reading and keep an eye on your email for connection information as the book club coaching sessions get closer.

Can’t wait to hang out with you LIVE in December.

Choose courage, Bee and keep on flying!