Episode 82 – If the Shoe fits…

‘s Up, Bees?

Did you hear? Enrollment is OPEN for my brand new workshop “Safe in Love”. 

If you’re already on my email list, you’ve been hearing about the workshop for awhile – complete with semi-embarrassing stories from my own life about why the “Safe in Love” work is SO crucial to a fulfilling marriage. 

And… I’m 100% willing to be semi-embarrassed by telling personal stories if that means even ONE of you listeners enJOYs a less stressed, more connected bond with your man because of what you learned. 

If you’re NOT on my email list yet, no worries. 

All you gotta do is head over to www.candicetoone.com and click the gold button in the upper right to sign up and get the stories. 

The button says” Get the Free Course” on it because when you sign up to hear my semi-embarrassing personal stories – you’ll also get a mini course on “how to have the marriage you imagined when you said “I do” – just as a thank you for being part of my world. 

And since this might be the first time you’re hearing about my “Safe in Love” workshop, I want to slow things down a little and say… this workshop is my favorite thing I’ve ever produced in nearly 10 years as a marriage coach. 

I anticipate it’ll be part of my flagship offer for years to come. 

And – if you want to – you get to be here with me FIRST. 

To set the tone. 

Create the vibe. 

And enjoy ALL the ongoing goodies that I love to give to people who build with me. 

Doors ARE open.   

I hope you’ll walk through them. 

There’s a live enrollment link in the show notes. 

Fingers crossed you click. 

But if you don’t – I love you still. 

And I’ll keep talking to you right here on the podcast – every single week.  

Because the legacy you’re leaving for your kids and the life you’re leading for YOURSELF matter to me. 

And all of that rests on the health of your marriage. 

If you’re thinking about joining us for “Safe in Love” – doors are open NOW and we get going June 1 – here’s what I want you to know:

The “Safe in Love” experience doesn’t require you to be “ready.”

There’s no pre-requisite that you already have your marriage sorted out, your emotions cleaned up, or your spiritual life dialed in.

If you’ve got all that on lock – you probably don’t need any of this at all. 

And… you might be fibbing just a little bit. 

Maybe.

Cuz I’ve never met a single woman who was fully enjoying every part of her life and was not at all hungry for anything more. 

If you’re that woman – feel free to turn off my podcast and savor what you’ve built. 

But if you’re like me and are interested in capitalizing on what you already have – stay right here, close by, so I can tell you all about how my husband went first to fix the fight we had over Thanksgiving break last year.  

There we were, going Black Friday shopping as a family. 

Now – if you know me at all, you know I HATE shopping as a general rule – but my hubs and kids enjoy it, so I’m trying to warm up to it. 

Sometimes. 

In small doses. 

On that particular shopping trip – my efforts were rewarded with the sight of some super cute, comfy looking shoes in my branded colors.

Husband encouraged me to buy them – just for fun. 

He pulled the kids over and paid full attention to me as I got sized and strutted my stuff. 

He took the box up to the counter. 

Paid.

Presented me the bag with my new prize inside.

Looking like a home run right? 

I know you might be thinking, “so… what’s the problem…?” 

Just you wait. 

There I was, feeling all spoiled and happy to try out my new kicks when husband said, 

“Man. I’m jelly. I wanted to be the first one in our family to get Kiziks.” 

My breath caught. Blood drained from my cheeks to my toes. 

Joy was sucked from my heart and out of the store. 

Dramatic? 

Maybe… but that’s how I felt in the moment. 

I didn’t want my gift to be tainted by the idea that my pleasure caused him pain. 

I didn’t handle it well. 

I said out loud that I didn’t like him saying that.

He said he was just trying to make me feel special cuz I get to be first. 

I shot back with, “How can I possibly feel special when I know you’re feeling sad and jealous?” 

I then swept some shoe stuffing garbage off the try-on bench and walked to the garbage can just outside the store. 

I was trying  to grab a few seconds to collect myself. 

But husband didn’t know that. 

He thought I was storming away – which I wasn’t – but he thought I was. 

So his irritation flared and he unilaterally decided to cut the shopping trip short. 

Corralled the kids and herded them toward the exit. 

I panicked because he was overreacting to my overreaction. 

Plus – I was PISSED because I HATE when he makes unilateral decisions. 

It’s the absolute worst. 

So I did something dumb. 

Because when emotions are high, intelligence is low. 

I didn’t yell after him. 

Didn’t storm along in silence. 

I did something that seemed smart to my emotion flooded brain. 

I eliminated the threat. 

And returned my shoes. 

Looking back – it seems silly to think the return would help things. 

But it was all my frazzled brain could think to do in the moment. 

I just didn’t want the bad memory walking around under me every time I wore these cursed, jealousy-inspiring shoes. 

Poor cashier didn’t know what to do because she couldn’t actually refund me right then because the transaction was still fresh enough that the CC company hadn’t drawn out funds yet… so the money couldn’t be returned to me… for ten minutes. 

It. Was. Awkward.

Husband and kids gone. 

Me and the cashier painfully avoiding eye contact while we waited. 

Me wondering if it would be better or worse to cancel my cancelling of the purchase. 

It was rough. 

Back in the car, I tried to regroup by playing “finish the lyrics” with my kids – it’s a fun game we often play in the car where I play a song and then stop at random to see who can “finish the lyrics” 

I thought it’d be a silly reset after the shopping explosion. 

But husband was having none of it. 

​He wanted to discuss how me storming off – which I maintain I didn’t do – caused the day’s implosion and he discussed it loudly for the whole drive home – which was super unpleasant for everyone… not to mention completely ineffective. 

We ended up eating dinner separately and spending the rest of the night apart. 

​Not our finest moment – but when hurt nerves are fried… It’s very uncommon for anyone to ever really be their best self. 

The next morning – husband texted me that he wanted to talk when I woke up. 

I had very low hopes for this talk to get us anywhere, but I agreed anyway. 

Now… this part is the MOST important – and it’s something we’ll practice together in “Safe in Love”.  

My main contribution to the conversation was to NOT contribute at all. 

To stop my mouth from running amuk. 

To count to 30 and ask if he was done speaking before I responded. 

Not because his side is more important than mine. 

Because the male brain tends to focus on one thing at a time and has a fair amount of trouble switching from one context to another without some transition time. 

It was my job to see myself as the expert I am and lean into the comfort of knowing I could handle whatever came. 

It was my role to acknowledge that I KNOW male brains tend to focus on one thing at a time. 

How smart of me. 

It was my role to incorporate my knowledge that women’s brains don’t typically function that way – which is why we can watch a show, talk on the phone and Christmas shop online all at the same time. 

We do things quickly and we do them all at once. 

Which makes it really hard for our single-focus guys to hear us. 

It was my job to trust my expertise. 

To not make his brain function mean anything about me. Or about us. 

Cuz I’m smart like that. 

So I did the SUPER hard thing of shutting up to let his male brain focus on just the one thing while my female brain tracked all the moving parts – and it worked. 

Again, I didn’t shut up because my ideas aren’t important. 

It wasn’t because my feelings don’t matter. 

It’s because I chose to believe that my feelings matter SO much – to me AND to him – that I purposefully chose to give him space and time to focus on ONE thing – demonstrating how much he wanted to repair. 

It was a challenge. 

Because my brain wanted to nuance the heck out of the interaction. 

But that would have confused things. 

So I stayed with him on his ONE point. 

Took a fair amount of restraint. 

But turned out infinitely better than if I’d jumped in to finish his sentences, nudge him along or point out the details he’d missed. 

After we talked, he took me back to the mall and bought me the shoes again. 

Which wasn’t at ALL what I expected when I went to bed all alone the night before. 

But it’s EXACTLY what relationship expert me is open to receiving. 

Kind treatment. 

Collaborative problem solving. 

All because I kept quiet and trusted who I know myself to be. 

I know feminism might think “shutting up” is terrible marriage advice. 

​But that’s only if “shutting up” is conceptualized as a censoring exercise instead of as a soul-centered strategy. 

​A strategy designed to honor my value by letting husband serve me. 

A strategy designed to reinforce my identity as a woman who knows what’s up and a wife who is deeply cared for. 

A strategy meant to create enough space for change to breathe itself into possibility again.

It’s magic. 

If you want some magic of your own – it’s time to enroll in “Safe in Love”. 

We’ll start the work together on June 1. 

Your marriage is about to change for the better. 

Cuz you’re about to learn the art of making space for that to happen. 

In the past I might have stayed focused on how TERRIBLE it was for him to give me a gift with a heaping side of guilt.

Or I would have forced myself to snub my feelings and focus on how he was TRYING to let me know he’d sacrificed for me. 

It was a delicious feeling to live in the middle. 

To let myself be wrong about his intent to guilt me. 

To ALSO let myself object to absorbing his sub-par delivery. 

To allow room for BOTH. 

Could he have chosen better words? 

Probably. 

It’s also my opportunity to let it be a BLESSING in my life that he was happily willing to give to me over himself. 

Could I have been more open to his teasing? 

Probably. 

It’s also his opportunity to deliver compliments in a way that doesn’t call on me to manage my thinking. 

The morning after, it was my empowered choice to live from the VIBE of knowing that when he serves me we BOTH win. 

It was my invitation to receive what he genuinely wanted to give. 

Many women are TERRIBLE at that – for reasons that might make sense, but also don’t really create devoted companionship. 

More on that later. 

For now, I want to get back to what drove MY reaction. 

Lots of people might have labeled my behavior in the store as “throwing a fit”. 

And those people wouldn’t be wrong. 

Not really. 

But that assessment also wouldn’t have been helpful because we KNOW that shaming someone has never, ever been an effective vehicle for lasting behavior change. 

And yet…I’ll bet you shame yourself with relative regularity. 

Because your mom learned that from her auntie and passed it on to you. 

Or maybe your brother got it from his basketball coach and brought it back home. 

Or maybe you read it in a book or saw it on a movie or heard it in a song. 

My guess is – you got the “shaming is a helpful strategy” message from lots of places. 

But not around here.

Not if you’re gonna be “Safe in Love” (did I mention enrollment is OPEN?)  

Acceptance and understanding are MUCH more motivating than shame could EVER be. 

That’s why I didn’t beat myself up when I lost my cool. 

And me NOT beating myself up made it 1000% easier to stay quiet and listen to what my husband had to say the next day. 

The conversation with my husband went well because – BEFORE he opened his mouth – my conversation with myself sounded something like this:  

​“I see you, Candice.
​That last comment he made was just one too many and that makes sense.
You already had to deal with your son making an accidentally unflattering comment on the size of your stomach + your husband being annoyed about time spent in the dressing room (on top of the daughter in said dressing room being impossible to satisfy)… it was a lot and you wanted everyone to have a nice time and nobody was and you couldn’t make that happen and you really, really, really wanted to and you were super disappointed then also insulted… so walking off to the garbage can without announcing that’s where you were going makes sense.
It’s an “offence” we can overlook… if it’s even an offence at all.” 

It’s not that I was “letting myself off the hook.” 

It’s more that I was giving myself space to uncover what I needed in the moment and to then gently explore how my strategy to get what I needed wasn’t working. 

I assumed good intentions of myself because that’s ALWAYS true. 

For me AND for you. 

You’re always trying to do your best.

No one will ever be able to convince me otherwise.  

Sometimes your best turns out crappy, but YOU ARE always trying your best. 

No upside to believing anything else. 

When you believe you’re trying your best, you see yourself with love. 

When you see yourself with love, you’re more willing to be honest about what happened. 

When you’re more willing to be honest about what happened, you gain clues about how to avoid similar pain (for you and for everyone else) in the future. 

Sounds like this for me: 

​“Oh… I see that I tried to shoulder lots of little slights from my family for HOURS before I snapped in the shoe store.​I don’t want to snap in the shoe store,
​but it makes sense that I did because people snap when their needs aren’t met. Next time, I can ask for what I need WAY sooner and then I’ll be more easily able to act like I want to act. AND it’s okay that I didn’t ask early on this time. I was worried I wouldn’t get what I needed – from myself or from my family – and I let my fear speak louder than my need to be supported. Whoops. My mistake. And I love me anyway.”

It’s not about laying blame on my family or giving myself a stern talking to. 

It’s about acknowledging that I want to respond differently and knowing that’ll only reliably happen when I feel safe to explore what went wrong without destroying myself in the search. 

Good news, that’s something we’ll practice together in “Safe in Love” – starting June 1. 

One solid way to be Safe in Love is to relate to your guy in a way that makes it easier for him to hear you and integrate your message. 

The foundation for that is to relate to yourself as though you’re someone you’d like to hang out with… like on purpose.  

It’s easy to dismiss the good reason you had for behaving poorly. 

But when you do… you miss the connection that’s KEY to being “Safe in Love”.  

The connection with YOU. 

If you want reliable connection on the regular – NOW is the time to take action. 

Go to www.candicetoone.com and claim my free course. 

When you do, you’ll also join my email list and have FIRST DIBS to enroll in “Safe in Love”. 

Doors are open. We’re saving you a seat. 

Choose courage, Bee – and Keep. On. Flying.