Episode 9 – Strategies and Tactics

‘s Up, Bees?!Have you noticed that you didn’t get all that much “How to have a Thriving Marriage” education during the 12+ years you spent in school?

Some of you might have received more education on that topic if you went on to a social sciences type major in college – but even then, it was probably a lot of theory and not much application.
And… we ALL KNOW that books, movies and song lyrics typically don’t do us many favors when it comes to setting helpful expectations about what it’s really like to work with, live with and love someone else until death do you part.

To be fair, media representations of marriage have become more honest in the last seven years or so… buuuut we’ve still got a lot of examples to unpack from decades and decades before that.

There REALLY aren’t a lot of How Tos or Practical Examples out there and because of that… wanting to get your hands on some useful strategies and tactics is a perfectly reasonable goal.

You want to make your marriage work.

You want to enjoy your life with your guy.

I want all that for you.

And I understand if you want me to pass you a handbook filled with fool-proof strategies for making magic with your budget, your household management, your vacation planning and your your romantic life.

Of course you want those tips and tricks.

Now lean in close… I’ve got good news and bad news for you.

First, the good news – it ALL works. Really.

The Love Languages

Crucial Conversations

Couples Retreats

Star Charts

Date Nights

Pretty much any article you Google will likely work.

I just did a search as I prepped for this podcast and, without even trying, I got rows and rows of headlines boasting things like:

12 habits for a better marriage
8 interesting strategies to make your marriage stronger
The top 7 ways to improve your marriage

Clearly, our world is NOT at a loss for tips and tricks, strategies and systems.

So why are so many of us unhappy with our marriages?

It’s because of the bad news.

Remember, the good news is that ANY of the suggestions we just described WILL work.

I really believe that’s true.

The bad news is, whatever strategy you pick will only work if you’ve dialed in the thoughts and feelings to support whatever action you’re taking.

Taking lots of action without setting up the internal foundation to support your action through the eternities is an excellent way to burn yourself out.

And usually, when we feel burned out…. we reach out for the next tip, trick or strategy and the cycle begins anew.

Because why?

Because ALL the strategies work – but ONLY if you’ve created the internal, emotional support structure to keep the strategy going.

Enter thought work. Enter coaching.

You’ve already set yourself up well by listening to this podcast – yay you!

You’re obviously committed to sharpening your relationship knowledge.

You want to get clearer on ways to navigate the complexities of romantic connection.

Since you’ve sought out more education through listening to this podcast, it’s pretty safe to assume that you’ve already found a fair amount of success through diving into educational opportunities and relying on your ability to learn.

I applaud you. I manage a lot of my life through learning too. It’s a great strategy.

And it’s not the only one.

In the last episode, we talked about another approach: mindset awareness.

If you allow your mindset to run on autopilot – which most people in the world do – you’ve automatically excluded whole arrays of tools from your toolbox.

If you’re pretty sure that nothing is ever going to change (fixed mindset) then it just wouldn’t occur to you to pick up a blank sheet and pen to make blueprints for the changes you want to build in your relationship – because you don’t actually think of change as a possibility.

If you believe that your needs aren’t going to be met (unworthy mindset) then you’ll be blind to new opportunities that could meet your needs because you just believe that your needs will always go unnoticed.

Now… if you’re thinking something like “Come on, Candice. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.” I hear you. I understand why you want that.

And if I thought it’d work, I’d spout off all my opinions about the way you should live your life and the way you could construct your marriage.

But listen to that again.

I’m going to tell you how you should live your life.

I’m going to tell you how you could construct your marriage.

How do you feel when you hear me say all that?

My guess is you pulled back from the speaker a little bit because a part of you knows that YOU are the best person to be in charge of your life.

Part of you – maybe a big part, maybe a small part – doesn’t really matter… but part of you knows that you have some great ideas about how things could go in your marriage.

Nobody wants me to call all the shots with none of their own input at play.

I don’t want that either.

I’d rather we do the work together.

If you still want me to tell you what to do, don’t worry. In the last eight episodes, I’ve already told you a bunch of things that I think work well in most relationships.

I’m going to continue to tell you useful things you could try – from now until always.

AND

I still know that you’ll find the most success with any strategy – mine or anyone else’s – when you’ve given yourself the gift of setting up an internal emotional structure that supports the action you want to take.

Because then you can take that action over and over and over and over without being burned out along the way.

Because you are strengthening your self-trust.

And exercising your agency.

As you go, you’ll be training yourself to think useful thoughts – about you, about him and about your relationship.

Because that thinking is what REALLY makes the strategies sing.

When your DEFAULT IS solid, possibility filled thinking about yourself, your capabilities, your husband and your relationship… that’s when your spirit settles into certainty.

Brains LOVE certainty.

And happy brains accomplish the impossible – all day. Every day.

We can make your brain a happy brain – fueled by certainty in yourself and in your possibilities.

You probably started listening to this podcast because you had questions about HOW to make your marriage better.

Women message me with similar questions pretty frequently.

And a lot of them seem to have convinced themselves that they don’t know the how to heal their marriage.

They come to me because they are looking outside themselves to find advice and tactics.

I get why they do that.

I understand if that’s why you’re here listening to me too.

It’s probably true that you don’t know how to do some things and I’m totally down for teaching you anything I’ve found to be helpful. Subscribe to this podcast and you’ll get new ideas every Sunday.

Tactics are great. Strategies can be helpful.

AND it’s important to remember that tips, tricks and tools only make up about 20% of what really makes your marriage work.

The remaining 80% is all mindset.

The stories you most often tell about you, about him and about the two of you together.

So start with tactics – all day. Find the one you like the most and then…

On to mindset to make your strategy stick.

That’s the part that takes energy and willingness to be personally responsible without burying yourself with blame.

If you want some more help as you take full responsibility for relationship without slinging blame, be sure to grab a copy of my book – Wife on Purpose.

You can get a free ecopy at candicetoone.com/resources.

If you prefer paperback, head over to Amazon and place your order.

I’m telling you now so that you can start reading TODAY.

Us Bees are reading from now until early December and THEN we are coming together for discussion and coaching every day from the 5th through the 8th.

This time round, these book club meetings will be TOTALLY free.

All you’ve gotta do right now is grab your book, get to reading and keep an eye on your email for connection information as the book club coaching sessions get closer.

Can’t wait to hang out with you LIVE in December.

Also, before we go for today, let’s get to know one of our listeners a little bit better. Shout out to NR BREE for listening AND leaving a review. I appreciate you.

You can listen to a whole episode while waiting in the school pick up lane, and have a new way of thinking about your relationship by the time you get home. Candice is so good at helping you understand what’s going on in your head in regards to your marriage, and it all makes sense. These bite sized nuggets of wisdom pack a punch with bits of humor and grace and practical tools you can apply right now. In these episodes, Candice offers listeners little tweaks in our thinking process that result in huge changes on the other end in how we see ourselves, our partners and the interactions we share in our marriages. Highly recommended!

Thanks NR Bree. Glad that you’re enjoying the listen. Be sure to invite all your married friends so we can heal our marriages together.

As for the rest of you Bees – if you’d love a shout out on the podcast and a chance to win a $250 Amazon gift card in time for the holiday season… you know what to do. We’ll be doing that drawing on November 30, so get your review in before then!

Choose courage, Bee and keep on flying!