Resentment. Ugh. What is it anyway?
Simply put, resentment is your brain’s signal to you that your needs aren’t being met. That’s it.
I know resentment might seem like your brain’s signal that your husband didn’t bathe the dogs. Again. (I’m guessing that little annoyance might spark some resentment in some marriages. Maybe. I wouldn’t know first hand or anything.)
Or resentment might seem like your brain’s signal that he’s still failing to notice your impeccable hardwood floor upkeep or your dazzlingly on point grocery budgeting.
I get it.
You may be able to make a long list of things he isn’t doing or saying that you’d like him to be doing or saying. I’m not going to try to take your list away from you. I even believe that you’ve got good reason for having the list (though it’s probably not the reason you’re thinking of).
What I will offer is that resentment is totally optional – even if your husband never changes a thing. Stick with me and I’ll teach you how.
Step one: awareness. Start by consciously noticing whether resentment pops up. If (or when) it does, pause. Just pause. Step back, go into your own brain and see if you can figure out which of your needs isn’t being cared for in that exact moment.
When my husband didn’t bathe the dogs, I tended to worry that his lack of follow through indicated that I’d never be able to count on him. Every time he skipped their bath, my brain warned me that my need for security might never be satisfied and the spinning began. Fascinating, right?
For now, I want you to stay right there – in curiosity about what your brain believes you aren’t getting. No judgment for you OR for him. No speeding to fix any of it. Just curiosity, awareness and patience. Give it a try. Just for this week.
I know that living in resentment can seem heavy. Like there’s no way around it and no chance for thriving under it.
It is like that for some people, but not for us. Not anymore. We’re BEES and we don’t care what humans think is impossible.