Bees. It’s so easy to see what’s wrong. To call my husband out on stuff I think he should or shouldn’t have done. Like tonight. Probably shouldn’t have fallen asleep leaving my 7 year old up to watch TV past bedtime. Also would’ve been nice for him to put the leftovers in the fridge and shut the bathroom door so our dim-witted dog couldn’t rifle through the gross garbage and bring bits of it into the living room. Coulda done without ALL that.
But there’s also this…
He fell asleep putting our 18 month old to bed. Rubbing her back and making soothing noises in the dark left them BOTH konked out. He also made the dinner (chili from scratch) that was left out on the stove. And he did all of that because my 5 year old really wanted a mommy-daughter date to Target. He was all in to make that a go.
All of the above happened. It’s all facts. And my mood, our night and our relationship will be very differently impacted depending on which group of facts I choose to focus on. Because it is a choice. 100%
Calling him out focuses my brain on how my life is unfair and hard and difficult to manage. You could argue that all of that is valid. Maybe it is. But does it serve me? Or the marriage I want to live in?
Choosing to appreciate what he did do tonight and being willing to wrap up the rest positions us as a strong team with varied strengths. That sounds more pleasant to me. I’ll go with that. Not because I’m letting him “off the hook” but because I don’t want to spend my night feeling awful while I clean up. I’m gonna clean up either way, so what’s the point in being bitter about it?
I may still discuss the mess with him tomorrow, but by then I’ll have done the work on my mindset so I’m coming at it from a place of love and collaboration rather than judgment or blame. Or maybe I won’t mention it. Maybe drawing closer in our marriage means accepting his humanness and not making his “mistakes” mean anything about him or our relationship.
So tonight I’m calling him in. In to my heart. In to this marriage team. And in as a human being who got tired and forgot a few details. So what? I love him anyway.