In the early years of my marriage, my husband’s main complaint against me was this: “You never let it get better.”
He was not wrong.
In the beginning, it seemed REALLY important to me to hash out every detail and make sure that we completely understood each other about every possible nuance that could have made the original interaction go awry.
I thought that security came through explaining my side so clearly that next time he’d know exactly how to handle things in a way that would keep me safe.
What I didn’t realize is that keeping myself safe is MY job.
Not because he doesn’t care about my comfort or isn’t trying to understand my needs. Definitely I want the type of guy who is willing to do his best on both fronts.
But he’s a human, so he’s not going to be perfect at it.
The good news is – I can be.
I know, better than anyone, what I need. And I’m in the strongest position to advocate for myself if I decide to be there for me.
Husband does his best. Sometimes it’s terrible.
Good thing we are a team and I can fill in the gaps to make sure I’m cared for well without judging him for doing anything wrong.
He’s a generally good guy. He’s trying to be there for me.
I can assume good intentions if I want to and forgive any misalignments in our methods without assigning ill intent on his part.
I can also leave any situation I want to at any time.
For the afternoon. For the weekend. Forever.
And I can do all of it from a place of love when I am willing to be the one to let it get better for me. By letting it go. By taking a break. By soothing myself through a good cry if I need it.
I don’t have to wait for him to make it better. Cuz I’m the best person for that job.