A couple years ago one of my lovely Bees did something in her marriage that she really wishes she hadn’t done.
Two months in to our work together, she’s still beating herself up and keeping her husband at arm’s length. She doesn’t see how he could ever forgive her.
Except he’s told her repeatedly that he has.
Says he understands. Loves her. Wants to move forward as a couple again.
She wants that too. But she’s not letting herself go there because she just doesn’t believe the kind things he’s saying.
Strange thing our brains do.
We believe, often without question, ALL of the hurtful comments tossed our way.
The kind, accepting, forgiving comments though? We tend to shrug them off. Never let them land at all.
Because it feels safer. Like if we hang on to the hurt and hold fear close, we won’t be surprised by pain in the future.
We think there’s nothing to lose.
Except we’ve already lost what we really wanted.
My client wants desperately to reconnect with her husband. Her inability to believe him is the only thing standing in her way. She’s keeping him at a distance so they “won’t have to hurt over what happened” long ago.
Except… they are BOTH hurting anyway. Both longing for connection and feeling lonely instead. Both wanting to move forward but staying tied to the past.
Choosing distance seems safe to my client.
But it’s still distance.
Not what either of them want.
So check it out, Bees. Where are you doubting your husband’s offer of kindness? support? love? connection?
Where are you believing: “Ha! He’s just saying that.” or “He doesn’t really mean it?”