Episode 1 – The two most poisonous beliefs about marriage

‘s Up, Bees?!

It’s Candice Toone, former marriage and family therapist turned master certified life coach.

Welcome to the VERY first episode of my “enJOY your marriage” podcast.

I love love.

I want all of you to have more of it – specifically in your marriage.

Especially when the love seems to have faded or dimmed as the years have gone on.

So we’re going to do that.

Right away.

In this episode.

I considered spending this first episode introducing myself and my background.

I thought about all the exciting things I could tell you about the life-changing work I’m doing with my Bees in the Defying Gravity Revolution.

I contemplated explaining how we came to be the Bees and what that means for us in the every day of our marriages.

We’re still going to do all of that… just not til episode two.

Right now, in this moment, I want to give you something you REALLY want: a quick, easy to understand insight about how you can create a noticeable shift in your marriage – TODAY – by trying on the ideas I’m about to share.

You see, I’ve been helping women with their marriages for a LONG time – again, more about that in the next episode – and what I’ve come to see over and over again is that there are two main beliefs that hurt marriages and kill connection more than any others.

Wanna know what they are?
I thought so.

First – If he loved me, then…

and

Second – He’s going to take care of me….

I know. Both thoughts sound lovely. Both are also pretty common.

And I’m not saying you shouldn’t EVER think them.

I’m just saying if those are the ONLY things you’re thinking… well… you might be headed for trouble.

Here’s why:

First let’s look at “If he loved me, he’d…” (insert whatever)

For me, that sentence typically ends in some version of: “…he’d prioritize things that are important to me.”

· If he loved me, he’d take the kids out of the house so I can record my podcast
o he’d just know to carve out time for me to work on my goals and he’d hand that time to me on a silver platter at regular intervals without any prompting from me – so obvious, right?

Might also sounds like:
· If he loved me, he wouldn’t toss his T shirt back into the drawer and mess up all of the shirts I spent time folding
· If he loved me, he’d recycle – or turn off the lights…

You get the idea.

It seems SO reasonable to believe things like that because quiet time, folded T shirts and recycling are all things that matter to me.

My brain then makes the extension – hear me say, the EXTENSION – that if quiet time is important to me and I’m important to him then my quiet time should also be important to him, right?

Seems logical. It even sounds like a math problem.

EXCEPT…

…in my case…

“recycling” and “love for my wife” aren’t connected in my husband’s brain

neither are “neatly kept drawers” and “love for my wife”

“planned out free time” and “love for my wife” aren’t connected in his brain either

I know that sounds like a bummer.

Believe me, I KNOW.

It would TOTALLY be easier if the ways he naturally expresses love perfectly matched the ways I like to receive love.

AND

His way of showing love and my preferred way of receiving it don’t always match.

I’m sure you’ve had this experience as well.

Your version of love looks like: him letting you sleep in, or bringing you flowers, or planning a surprise a vacation like your sister’s husband did, or watching a movie with you, or being kind to your sister or complimenting your meals or being impressed with your parenting… the list goes on.

And the truth still is – it’s highly likely that the thing you want him to do and the love he has for you are NOT CONNECTED in his brain.

No matter how connected they are in yours.

Believing that they should be connected in his brain (when they clearly aren’t) is only causing you unnecessary pain.

You deserve better than that.

I’m not saying that you just drop all expectations of him and get used to being disappointed all the time.

No way, Bee. You deserve better than that too.

So… now what?

Before we go there, let’s review the second belief that’s poisoning marriages around the world.

“He’s supposed to take care of me.”

I actually agree with this one.

It’s not unreasonable to enter into a marriage with the expectation that you’ll witness each other’s experiences and do what you can to make each other’s lives easier and more enjoyable.

Of course you want that.

I want it for you.

I also disagree with the idea that “He’s supposed to take care of you.”

Because he’s not a mind reader. He can’t possibly know everything that you need and even if he knew all of it at one time, it’s pretty challenging for anyone to remember everything you need + everything they needs + what their boss needs + what the kids need + what your neighbors need + what their friends and mom and siblings.

It’s a lot.

He’s not going to be good at staying on top of it all.

Probably.

You might be better at it than he is.

You probably are.

And – that might not matter here. Because we’re going for connection, not competition, right?

He’s gonna take care of you a lot – most likely.

Sometimes you’ll notice that effort and sometimes you won’t. That’s a conversation for another episode.

For now… let’s talk about what it’s like when he DOESN’T take care of you.

I’ve got the perfect story to illustrate.

Our wedding anniversary is in October and we usually celebrate it as our family birthday. We take the kids on a trip and have a grand time together.

This year we went to Las Vegas. Husband had been dying to go. So we took the kids to the Tournament of Kings at Excalibur. Saw the Jabowockeez at MGM – husband actually got pulled out of the crowd to sing Sir Mix a Lot’s “Big Butts”. He didn’t love that… at all. But he played along like a sport.

Anyway, there we were having lunch at a family style Italian restaurant at Caesar’s Palace.

Now, husband gets points right off because he remembers that I hate family style eating and asks me if I want to go somewhere else.

Ding. Ding. He’s taking care of me.

I declined, but not until after I appreciated his gesture.

We sit. We order. We eat.

Husband later tells me that he ordered the Chicken Parmesan because he knows I love it so much and thought I’d want to try it at this fancy place.

Awww. Thanks husband. How nice of him to order the meal I wanted, right?

Except…

I do not love Chicken Parmesan.

Never have.

Don’t think I’ve ever ordered it even once in the twenty-one years we’ve been together.

I don’t hate it… but I certainly don’t LOVE it.

It’s 100% not my favorite.

So, I could easily argue that he’s not taking care of me.

If he loved me, he’d know I love Chicken Cordon Bleu, not Chicken Parmesan.

But all of that feels terrible to me.

And might be embarrassing to him.

He genuinely thought he was picking the meal I liked.

He got it wrong.

Now I have a choice to make.

I can feel bad because he got my meal wrong. I can make that mean he doesn’t love me and that he can’t take care of me.

That would be a totally valid route for me to take.

I’m allowed.

AND

I also have the option to not make his flub mean anything about him, about me or about us.

He messed up a detail.

Now what?

In moments like these, I like to call on the lessons I’ve learned from my son’s little league team.

My son plays third base.

He’s supposed to catch the ball every time it’s thrown his way.

Everyone knows that.

He often catches it.

And sometimes he doesn’t.

When he doesn’t, you know what?

The guy in left field runs up as backup… just in case.

If my son misses the ball, his teammate is right behind him to catch the throw my son missed.

Cuz’ they are a team.

They work together to make sure the ball doesn’t get past them. They come together to keep the game flowing their way.

Cuz it’s THEIR way.

They aren’t 3rd base and left field. They are the Red Devils. They win and lose TOGETHER.

Marriages can be like that too.

We expect that husband will learn things about us and then do things that show his love.

We watch for him to take care of us.

And if he doesn’t follow through or he gets something wrong, you have the option to run up behind him to catch that play and keep the game flowing your way.

Cuz you’re a team.

I could have offended myself by making the chicken parmesan order mean my husband doesn’t know me.

But why?

I have lots of evidence that he does know me.

I WANT to orient toward evidence that he loves me and that he cares for me.

Because that feels better TO ME.

And when I’m feeling better I’m so much more powerful in advocating for what I want and need.

I still reminded him that it’s Chicken Cordon Bleu not Chicken Parm.

Cuz I deserve what I like.

You do too.

I can get what I need when he doesn’t.

You can too.

I suggest you remind your husband of what you’d like and need as often as you want to.

Just make sure you’re doing it with the assumption that he loves you and wants to care for you – unless you believe you have a solid reason to think otherwise… and if that’s the case, let’s get real curious about why you’re sticking around with someone who doesn’t know you’re something to be cherished.

We’ll talk about that more later too.

For now, watch for places where you could be poisoning your marriage by waiting for him to take care of you – make it easier on you both by ASKING for what you need as often as possible and even going first to make your needs happen sometimes.

Pay attention to where you’re telling yourself that if he loved you, he’d… and just remind yourself that his FLUBs are completely unrelated to how he feels about you.

Choose courage, Bee and Keep on Flying!