Episode 46 – When you’re tempted to stay up all night

‘s Up, Bees?!

Get Excited! The doors to the Defying Gravity Revolution (my marriage coaching community) are opening on October 5.

The Defying Gravity Revolution is a completely unique way to heal your marriage. We bring together smart, driven women who are all focused on one thing: enJOYing their marriage.

You’ve got big ideas about the life you want to live with your forever guy.

You’re clear on the kind of example you want to set for your kids and you know – for sure – that you want everyone – you, him and the babies – to have a specific experience in your home.

You also know exactly what you need: better communication and more connection. You want to advocate for the things you really want without getting into an argument or settling into stony silence for days on end.

You want to have open conversations about budgeting or sex or parenting, but you keep putting all of that off because his mood’s never quite right or the timing always seems to be off.

Maybe you’re convinced that certain topics are off limits because quote, “He’d NEVER go for that.”

So you stay on the “grin and bear it” merry-go-round – which actually isn’t very merry at all.

You feel the love between you wilting. You’re up against the “that’s just part of marriage” wall. You dream of escaping from the world daily mismatches between the two of you so you can settle into the land of real, deeply felt connection.

My team and I created the Defying Gravity Revolution to help you decide what you want, decide what you don’t want and advocate for ALL of it without compromising the deep connection you crave feeling with your husband.

When you start doing those three simple things – as a rinse and repeat habit – you’ll get more of what you want. Not at his expense, but in service to you both. To a healthy relationship you can both enJOY.

The doors to the Defying Gravity Revolution open up on October 5th after my free workshop: How judging your husband will heal your marriage.

If you want to get my simple 5 step process for judging your husband effectively – in a way that’ll uplevel your connection as a couple – go to https://candicetoone.com/how-to-judge-your-husband/ and register RIGHT NOW.

You’ll get all 5 steps + have the chance to ask me anything you want during our live workshop.

Click https://candicetoone.com/how-to-judge-your-husband/ to register – the link is in the show notes for this episode and you MUST register to get the connection information for the workshop.

Now, let’s get on with today’s episode: When you’re tempted to stay up all night.

You might remember from episode 17 – what anger is and isn’t, that there are LOTS of ways to respond to the emotions buzzing around in your body.

In that episode, we focused on how it’s not the feeling of anger that causes problems, it’s more that our unhelpful reactions to feeling angry get us in trouble.

Reacting is one way to respond to an emotional buzz you’re feeling in your body.

There’s also resisting, avoiding and allowing.

Resisting is when you pretend you don’t feel what you actually feel. You look the other way and convince yourself that whatever you’re feeling isn’t that big a deal and you probably shouldn’t be feeling it anyway. All of that’s resistance.

Avoiding is anything you do to distract yourself from your feelings. Maybe you watch a lot of Netflix. Maybe you go shopping. Maybe you down a sleeve of Oreos or a bottle of wine. Whatever you do, the goal of what you’re doing is to numb the feeling.

Allowing emotion is befriending your feelings by making room for them to be. Room for them to express their energy and process through you. Most of us aren’t very good at that. We simply aren’t taught how to make space for our emotion and are more often invited to suppress our true feelings in favor of “keeping the peace.”

Which, as I’d guess you’ve discovered, doesn’t actually work.

One of two things happens instead.

Either you keep the external peace while an internal battle rages OR your suppressed feelings eventually explode and (probably) cause you more problems than you started with.

Which leads us to the temptation to stay up all night.

Think back to the last time you stayed up all night arguing.

Why did you do that?

Probably because you wanted to prove a point or believe you’d been heard.

I’m with you.

And why did you want to prove a point or believe you’d been heard?

Probably because you were trying to advocate for a change you really wanted.

And why did you want that change?

The answer to that one is ALWAYS the same – for EVERYONE.

It’s because you believed that the change would make you feel a certain way that you really wanted to feel.

· If he stops spending money, then you can feel secure in your budget
· If he helps your kids with homework, then you can feel supported
· If he talks to you in a certain way, then you can feel loved
· If he stops talking to you in another way, then you can feel respected

Here’s the truth – you’re probably right about that.

You likely WILL feel that way if he does or stops doing those things – but only because of what you’ll make it mean.

It’s also true that
· you can feel secure no matter what he spends
· you can feel supported if he never cracks a book with the kids
· you can feel loved whether he calls you by your favorite pet name or not
· you can feel respected even if his words weren’t as carefully chosen as they could have been

Now – this is important – I only told you that last bit because I want to really drive home the idea that you ALWAYS have options.

I’m NOT here to tell you which option to pick – just to show you that the options are always there.

Because… it’s likely that a lot of your pain comes from believing you don’t have options when you actually do.

My mission in life is to help women – just like you – see ALL of their options so that they can make conscious choices a LOT more often in their lives and marriages.

Why?

Because conscious choosing keeps all of your power placed firmly with you – which is, of course, where it belongs.

I really do get how it’s tempting to believe that our emotional experience is determined by our husband’s choices.

Believe me – I’m intimately aware of how that temptation sneaks into my life pretty much on the daily.

By way of example, my husband leaves the light on in our basement kitchenette pretty much 100% of the time.

Some days it’s still hard for me to not feel at least a little dismissed and disrespected when he does.

I know that I feel disrespected because I make it mean that he doesn’t care about what’s important to me when he leaves the lights on.

I also know that what’s probably more true is that, when he left the lights on, he wasn’t thinking about my stance on energy conservation at all – which… and this is important… is not the same as him actively not caring.

I know you might want to tell that’s a split hair and I know – you’re right… it is… AND it’s the most important kind of split hair if your goal is to live in a more connected marriage… which I’m assuming it is since you’re listening to this podcast.

That split hair thing is also why I feel varying levels of disrespected when I see the same lights on day after day.

If the lights determined how disrespected I have to feel, I’d feel the same way every time they are left on.

But I don’t.

Sometimes I’m seriously pissed off, other times I’m mildly amused. Other times I’m focused on other things entirely so I turn the lights off without feeling anything related to the lights at all.

Why?

Because my story about the lights determines my feelings in response to them.

I love knowing that I always have options for how I want to feel.

I make it a point to see all of my choices as clearly as I can, whenever I can AND – this is KEY – I make it a point to see all of the choices as viable options with no superior morality tied to any emotional state.

My choice to be pissed or amused or indifferent means nothing about my maturity or about my worth as a person.

Really. It doesn’t.

If you find yourself hanging on to any sort of “this emotion is better than that one” then you might struggle to see the choices available to you.

That’s okay.

I struggle to see my choices sometimes too.

But when I can see my many choices – I always feel a little less threatened. A little less like I’m helplessly waiting at the mercy of someone else. A little more like I’m in control of my own emotional world.

Even if I choose to drive myself into feeling annoyed, seeing my choices lets me drive there on purpose without making myself wrong for choosing that emotional destination.

I remind myself I must have had a good reason for picking that feeling.

I try to find out what I need in that moment.

AND

I remember that I can drive myself somewhere else if I want to, whenever I want to.

Which is the whole point of today’s episode.

You can stay up fighting all night if you want to – there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you or your marriage if you make that call. It’s not a moral failing in any way.

AND

If you do stay up all night, this is my invitation to make sure it’s a conscious choice, rather than a knee jerk response coming from the belief that he controls your feelings.

Because again, why do you stay up well into the night?

Probably because you want to prove a point or believe you’ve been heard.

And why do you want to prove a point or believe you’ve been heard?

Probably because you’re trying to advocate for a change you really want.

And why do you want that change?

Because you believe that the change will make you feel a certain way that you really want to feel.

And again, you’re probably right about that.

You likely WILL feel the way you want to feel if he does this things or stops doing that other thing – but again – that’s only because of what you’ll make his behavior mean.

Good news is – him changing his behavior is only one of MANY ways for you to get the feeling you want.

Also, him changing his behavior will only get you the feeling you want IF you choose to believe that he’s sincere about the change and that he doesn’t begrudge or resent you for it.

You know I’m right on this.

Because if you sense that he’s pulling your leg or that he’s annoyed about the concession he’s making… you’re probably just gonna feel a different kind of bad.

You with me?

It’s all because the feelings you feel are created by the story you tell yourself about whatever he’s doing.

Like how I felt irritated when my husband said, “Hey Babe. Looking good. So proud of you.” when he saw me on the treadmill early one morning.

Those words, on their own, are pretty kind. Supportive. We could even say loving.

But because I made up a story in my brain that twisted his words to be condescending I didn’t feel the love he was probably offering.

Not because of him. Because of me.

And I love me anyway.

Sometimes – it’s pretty hard to remember that your story causes your feelings.

It’s especially challenging when you’re really worked up. Or when your danger cues are flaring.

It’s hard to see how you’re actually in charge when it REALLY, REALLY seems like you’re not.

In those moments, don’t beat yourself up for not remembering that you control your emotional experience.

Because it’s not really that you’re not remembering… it’s more that your capacity for conscious thought is turned off on purpose because your brain has decided you might die and it – adaptively – shifts into automatic survival mode.

Thanks brain. I appreciate your diligence in keeping me safe.

When you find yourself in adaptive survival mode, you might be tempted to stay up all night and have it out with your husband.

It probably seems really important to your brain to do so in those moments – because you don’t feel safe.

Even if you’re physically safe, your brain perceives a risk of some sort and then invites you to stay up until a sense of safety is restored.

In those moments, your brain is probably looking to your husband to restore that sense of safety.

But he can’t.

Because safety comes from you.

So here’s what I want to leave you with.

Stay up and have it out if that feels important to do – some things will seem worth it.

That’s all okay.

AND

If you’re not convinced that having it out all night is your best option – I suggest trying one of these strategies instead:

1. In your nicest, most loving voice – narrate what’s happening. Be sure to emphasize how your feelings make sense given the story you’re telling, even if you don’t want to keep telling that story. Might sound something like this: I feel angry because I’m thinking that my husband doesn’t care about my commitment to energy conservation. I’m seeing him leaving the lights on as super wasteful and setting a bad example for the kids – not only a bad example of wasting resources but also a bad example of disrespecting me. If all of that were true, anger makes sense. I could be right about all that, but I also might not be.

2. As you tell your story, allow yourself to not like what’s happening while leaving open the possibility that no one is bad or wrong or even at fault. Sounds like this: He’s not inherently bad or wrong for leaving the lights on and I’m not inherently bad or wrong for wishing he’d turn them off already. We both have our reasons that make sense to us AND no one is actively trying to hurt the other. Maybe.

Talking to yourself in that way makes room for options to flow in. It also allows space for purposeful decision making which helps you stay tied to your true purpose and your goal of connection.

Talking to yourself in that way also takes presence of mind – and presence of mind is easier to achieve with a well-rested brain.

So – my advice is to ditch what grandma told you and go to bed mad. It’s fine.

Go to bed mad knowing that it makes sense why you are – your brain perceives danger.

If you know that you aren’t actually in danger, consider offering yourself some rest and space so you’ll come back at it recharged and reflective in the morning.

Of course – if you ARE in danger – that’s a whole different story, but I’d guess most of the time we just FEEL unsafe even if we aren’t actually unsafe.

If you’re feeling unsafe, but aren’t in eminent danger. Try out giving your brain some rest time to recover and evaluate everything more objectively.

You can still want him to stop spending money or to help with homework or to use certain words and not others when he talks to you.

Taking a break to get some sleep is not a concession to accept behavior you don’t want in your marriage.

You’re allowed to want what you want – even if you sleep on it between bouts of self-advocacy.

And please know that training your brain to slow down and give yourself space to see options can seem super uncomfortable at first.

You know what you want, you wanted it yesterday and it feels sorta inefficient and risky to take small, manageable steps on the way from here to there – so don’t be surprised if your brain objects when you try on these space giving strategies.

That’s also why the Defying Gravity Revolution exists. To support women in pumping the breaks on purpose so that they can speed up to reach ALL of their marriage goals over the long term.

If any of that seems totally counterintuitive, be sure to register for my free workshop: how judging your husband will save your marriage.

We go live on October 5.

Register at https://candicetoone.com/how-to-judge-your-husband/ – that link is also in the show notes.

And please, if you loved what you heard today, subscribe to and share this podcast.

Choose to be a woman who supports other women by spreading these messages of empowerment and freedom. Every. Single. Sunday.

All of us here in the Defying Gravity Revolution Hive thank you for helping to create a world where more women stop caring what humans think is impossible.

Choose courage, Bee and keep on flying!