Episode 18 – 3 common reasons to wonder whether you married the wrong guy

‘s Up, Bees?!

If you’re listening to this podcast, I would guess that you’ve probably – at some point in your marriage – wondered whether you married the wrong guy.

And I would guess that your reason for wondering whether you married the wrong guy most likely falls into one of these three categories:

· You feel burdened because you’re tired of doing everything without any help.
· You feel lonely because It doesn’t seem like you two are friends anymore.
· You feel afraid because he’s done or said something you’d rather not have as part of your life.

If any of that sounds familiar, you’re not alone.

As I’m sure you’re aware, it’s quite common for married life to bring things out in your relationship that you never thought possible when you were dating and falling in love.

Let’s look at each of those reasons individually – even though I know that you could be grappling with more than one of them at once.

First, you feel burdened because you’re tired of doing everything without any help.

Of course you do – no one human being should ever have to do all the laundry, the cooking, the dishes, the bathrooms, the school projects, the bills, the teacher gifts, the coach communication, the deadlines at work, the missing uniform piece finding, the listening, the reassuring, the scheduling, the tear wiping, nose wiping, bottom wiping, … you get the picture.

And yet, you’re probably pushing to do all of those things – all day, every day – because that’s the way it’s always been done. Because you know your husband works hard all day and you feel guilty for expecting more. Because you love your family and you WANT to give them everything they need.

So it’s not a surprise if you feel stuck – because you’ve given yourself impossible options.

You’re either grateful or not.
You’re agreeable or a nag.
You’re completely available or totally selfish.

You probably like the idea of being seen as agreeable and you don’t want to be selfish or ungrateful, so it’s pretty easy to trap yourself in a no-way-out, no-win situation of feeling burdened and overwhelmed for time and all eternity.

You don’t see any options for getting out of feeling burdened and over-whelmed IN your marriage, so you wonder whether you should get OUT of your marriage instead.

Second, you feel lonely because It doesn’t seem like you two are friends anymore.

Your schedule is packed morning to night, with all of the people who live in your house running all kinds of different directions at varied times with a wide range of needs running along with them.

You and your husband barely have time to eat and shower – much less make meaningful space for each other.

Or maybe you do spend time to together, but the conversation tends to lean toward topics he’s interested in or opinions he has with little room for things that really matter to you.

Or it could be that you share things about yourself and your day, but then he misses important details, forgets events or disregards your preferences.

You remember when you used to laugh and take walks and plan for your dreams. You even saw a few of them come true.

You crave going back to the days when time for the two of you together seemed to flow easily and often.

As it stands, you’re pretty much just sending texts about what to pick up from the grocery store or which kid needs to be shuttled where.

You’re lonely and you don’t want to be.

So it’s no surprise when you start wondering if maybe you two aren’t as compatible as you thought. Maybe you’re not as attracted to him as you used to be or worse – maybe you’re concerned that he’s no longer attracted to you.

You’re not seeing a lot of wiggle room to create more time together in the life you’ve created WITH him, so sometimes you daydream about whether there’d be more opportunity for love and connection WITHOUT him.

Third, you feel afraid because he’s done or said something you’d rather not have as part of your life.

Maybe he yells – at you, at the kids, at everyone.

Maybe he spends more money than you’d like or can’t seem to hold down a job.

Maybe he’s stingy with money, praise or affection.

Maybe he works long, unpredictable hours.

Could be that he’s silent or critical or thoughtless or politically incorrect and socially insensitive.

Whatever it is – it’s not how you pictured your lifelong companion would be.

You knew there’d be some bumps as part of for “better or worse”, but turns out…

“for better or worse” is NO. JOKE.

And sometimes it’s a little shocking to find out what “for better or worse” really means.

Shocking surprises in his conduct can leave you worrying that you’re not going to have something you wanted or that you WILL have something you didn’t want. FOREVER.

At least… that’ll be the case if you’re gonna to stick with him.

Which might make you wonder if maybe you shouldn’t stick around at all.

I understand how it feels to wonder if he sees you.

Like you, I’ve stressed over the example hubs and I are setting for our kids.

None of that is a fun place to be. Feels like hopeless wrapped in stuck.

Good news is – it doesn’t have to be that way.

Because all of the feelings behind your reasons for wondering if you married the wrong guy are information, not emergencies.

Feeling burdened shows you where you’ve got opportunity to ask for and receive more help.

Loneliness teaches you about your relationship with yourself and your desired level of connection to others.

Fear sends up a signal to let you know where your boundaries are so that you can enforce them more effectively.

Feelings are information. They are there for your benefit.

But, like we discussed in episodes 12 and 17, you’re probably used to avoiding your feelings – which ends up wasting your time and missing your opportunity to hear yourself tell you exactly how to create the life you want to live.

Feeling burdened on purpose will show you where you need to set limits and receive support.

Feeling lonely on purpose will strengthen your connection to yourself and remind you what you want to create in relationships with others.

Feeling afraid on purpose will call up your resolve to courageously establish what you will and won’t tolerate.

Sound impossible?

Well… it’s isn’t. Not for us, Bees anyway.

Because Bees don’t care what humans think is impossible. And you don’t have to care either.

I want you to know I believe that every wife ought to feel cherished and valued.
Appreciated and adored.
I know we can make that happen.
Even if it seems impossible to you.
Here’s the truth.
I love you.
And I respect your husband.
I’ve already decided to believe that both of you are doing your best and I’m here to help you figure out how to make your best even better.
I won’t ever spend time agreeing that your husband is terrible or suggest you should leave your marriage. I won’t suggest you should stay either. I have no idea what you should do. I only know that if you apply what you hear in these episodes you can get to the place where your mind is clear enough that you’ll know exactly what to do.
At the beginning of this episode, I reminded you that it’s quite common for married life to bring things out in your relationship that you never thought possible when you were dating and falling in love.

When I first said it, I was referring to the not-so-awesome surprises that can come with marriage.

Now I’m saying it with the beyond-your-wildest dreams surprises that can also come through committing to spend your life and space with another human being for time and all eternity.

Unending depth in your friendship.
Impressive strength in your connection.
Unstoppable achievement in the goals you’ll accomplish in your lives together.

Married life WILL bring things out in your relationship that you never thought possible when you were dating and falling in love.

Whether those surprises will be terrifying or terrific depends – in large part – on your willingness to use your feelings (and I mean ALL of them) as information to guide your very next choice.

And the one after that too.

It’s simpler than you think. Especially when you are willing to stick by your own side and bet on your own capabilities.

Notice when you wonder whether you married the wrong guy. Listen to those whispers.

Then USE THEM like you’d use those little “sign here” arrows on a legal document.

Focus your attention toward advocating for more of what you want and less of what you don’t.

Rinse and repeat until you’ve creating a marriage you love to live in.

Choose courage, Bees. And keep on flying.

***Special caveat – if you find you are feeling fear in your marriage because you are ACTUALLY in danger. I do not suggest feeling that feeling through. I suggest listening to your gut and securing physical safety for yourself and your kids immediately.

Here’s a hotline to help you find your way: call 800-799-7233 or text START to 88788 for help securing resources and finding options to claim the safety you 100% deserve. Resources can also be found at www.thehotline.org