Episode 68 – 20 Seconds of Courage

Did you know that some questions are better to ask yourself than others? That some questions scare you away from what you really, really want while others pull you closer to the life you know you deserve?

Listen in to this week’s episode to find out which question to ask and which to avoid. 

Mentioned in this Episode

Bonus Resources

Episode Transcript

‘s Up, Bees?! 

Right now – in this very moment – you’ve got a list of things bouncing around in your head that you KNOW… if you did them… would make you happier… 

Improve your health… 

Deepen the connection in your marriage… 

But you aren’t doing them. 

At least not all of them. 

You might be doing SOME of them. 

You’re flirting with others. 

But I’m willing to bet there are still some things on that list that you KNOW would help you out and you aren’t yet doing them. 

Why? 

There are probably lots of reasons, but if we distill each one of those many reasons down, we’d find that pretty much all of them are based in fear. 

You’re not meeting with a financial advisor because you’re afraid you’ll discover you’re behind on retirement prep. 

You’re not applying for that promotion because you’re afraid you won’t get it OR maybe you’re afraid that the shift in responsibilities would compromise your home life too much. 

You haven’t decided on which strength training program to try because you’re afraid it’ll be too hard OR you’re worried you won’t stick with it. 

You haven’t brought that thing up with your husband because you’re afraid it’ll spark another big fight OR maybe you’re worried you’ll find out that what you want is NEVER gonna happen. 

Like we talked about last week, maybe you’ve got something in mind that you really, really want to do, but you’re afraid you might not deserve it. 

Or you doubt whether you can get it. 

Or you’re pretty sure if you do start in on going after the thing, it’ll already be too late, you’ll discover the problem is too far gone. You’ll figure out that you’ll never be able to make enough progress to get you a meaningful change. 

That last one is pretty common in marriages. 

You may be tempted to think that because something hasn’t happened yet… it’s ain’t never gonna happen. 

Maybe you’ve scared yourself into believing that the patterns you two cycle through are too ingrained to be adjusted. 

That nothing’s ever gonna change. 

Whatever you try won’t really matter anyway because it is what it is. 

And I’ve gotta say… Ew.

Not to you. 

You’re great. 

I’m saying ew to that phrase. 

It really rubs me the wrong way – even though I can see how applying “it is what it is” might be useful in some scenarios. 

Like when a toddler doesn’t get the color of cup that he really, really wanted. 

That’s pretty much the only time. 

But in all seriousness… I have a complicated relationship with that phrase: “it is what it is”. 

One of my roommates after college used to say it ALL the time about EVERYTHING and it made me want to scream: 

NO! That’s not the end! You don’t have to settle for something you aren’t thrilled to accept. You deserve so much more than taking whatever you get. 

ESPECIALLY when the thing you think you have to accept is a million times more consequential than the color of your cup. 

 I will always believe that all women – YOU especially – deserve so much more than just taking whatever you get. 

That’s why I’m in the profession I’m in. 

It’s why I’m spending my time making free podcast episodes for any woman who’s willing to listen. 

I record these episodes for YOU. 

The woman who doesn’t realize that her husband’s word doesn’t HAVE to be the final word. 

For the woman who’s underestimating how powerful she is to be a force of positive change in her life. 

For the woman who’s resigned to make the best of it – no matter the cost to her. 

I’m here now gently shaking you and inviting you to Stop. It.  

Like really – no more of that for you. 

It’s my mission to invite as many women as I can to claim change in their lives and marriages if they want to. 

And you probably do want to. 

You’re just not sure it’s possible. 

I know it is. 

I’m deeply committed to helping women create more than they thought was possible because I KNOW that you deserve JOY in your life.

It’s YOUR life and it kills me when an amazing, talented, fierce woman like you sighs and resigns herself to accepting a life and relationship that is less than what she wants. 

NO! Not today. 

You were meant for more and I’m standing ready to help you get it.

Also – I do understand that sometimes… in very rare cases… it really is what it is and there’s not much to be done about it. 

I can see how accepting and surrendering in those moments can bring peace and open up options. 

It’s still not my favorite phrase though – because if you want more, I think you should have it and I’m IN to figure out how to get you from here to there. 

Okay, rant over. 

Back to today. 

Point is – there are things you KNOW you could do to improve your situation and make your life happier, make your marriage more fun.

I’m confident there is at least one thing in your world that falls into that “I know I could, but I haven’t yet…” category. 

Think about that one thing for the rest of this episode. 

You got one in mind? 

Pause me if you don’t – I’ll be here when you’ve got it. 

You’re back? 

Okay. 

Now that you KNOW there’s something you COULD do, let’s figure out how to support you in doing it. 

In my coaching practice, I used to ask my clients this question ALL. THE. TIME. 

What’s getting in the way? 

When one of my Bees identified something she wanted to do, that she KNEW would her them out – but she hadn’t done it yet, I’d usually ask: 

What’s getting in the way? 

The goal of that question was to shine a light on the obstacles in front of her so that we could figure out how she could work around them. 

I still like this question… 

BUT… 

I’ve also come up with a better one. 

Wanna hear it? 

I thought so. It’s… 

What would you NEED to make that happen? 

The reason I like this question better is that it focuses on the resources in the equation… NOT the blocks. 

And we know… what we focus on grows… so let’s focus on resources. ALL DAY. 

PLUS – we know from last week’s episode that everything you’re doing or not doing makes perfect sense. 

So… if you aren’t doing something you want to be doing, it’s only because you don’t have everything you think you need to get the thing done. 

Maybe you’re missing actual tools. 

Maybe it’s more social support that you’re looking for. 

Maybe it’s emotional grit or confidence. 

Whatever it is that you think you need – it’s important to identify the specifics so you can start to gather what you think you need. 

Let’s take an example. 

You may not know this about me, but I’m sorta scared of beauty treatments. 

Not the treatments themselves… more so the process of getting them done. 

It’s not a cleanliness thing. 

It’s not that I think they are going to screw something up. 

It’s really more that I’m afraid that I’m going to do something I wasn’t supposed to do or NOT do something I WAS supposed to do and then I’m going to look like an idiot and the gal doing the treatment will think I’m stupid for not knowing something that I should’ve known. 

I didn’t say it was a rational fear. 

But it’s my fear – nonetheless. 

Even so, I did join a wellness spa this year and I’ve been making the effort to go on the regular.

They have red light therapy and halothereapy (which is like a salt breathing treatment thing) and dryfloat beds and all kinds of other stuff that’s meant to target inflammation and help lower cortisol and a wide variety of other – help-you-feel-better – things. 

I’ve supported myself in trying out a lot of what’s offered. 

But if I’m honest… 

The main reason I signed up at the spa was that they have a cryofloat bed (which is like a cold plunge). Since I signed up last December, I’ve been wanting to cycle through the cryofloat bed and the saunas – because I’ve heard all about the health benefits of cycling through cold and heat and back again to help with pain and inflammation and the like. 

It’s now nearly February and I haven’t done it yet. Not once. 

I did ask the gal for more information about how that would work… but that’s as far as I’ve got. 

If I ask myself the question – What’s in the way? 

I answer back with things like: 

  • I don’t want to get out of the cryobed and head to the sauna only to find that someone else is already in there and then I’d have to stand shivering in the hallway like a fool. 
  • I’m not sure what to wear and I don’t know the “right” way to walk from one space to the other without looking like a newbie. 
  • I’m worried that the gal at the front desk will be impatient with me and then talk to all the other employees about how clueless I am. 

As I’m reciting the list, I’m talking myself out of it. 

Can’t you just hear how awful all of that sounds? 

When I answer the question, “What’s in the way?” I end up rehearsing my fears and freaking myself out even more than I already was. 

I would guess that when you’re thinking about the thing you want to do but haven’t yet, you’re unconsciously answering the “What’s in the way?” question too. 

Our brains are wired to scan for danger, so without direction your brain will play back all the things that could go horribly awry. 

It’s biologically designed to present you with the dangers because it’s trying to keep you alive. 

Thanks, brain. 

AND

That’s why I’ve switched to giving my brain a more useful assignment. 

Instead of asking it – “What’s in the way?” – which leads it to spew out all the ways I could die. I now ask – “What would you NEED to make that happen?” – which forces my brain to orient to available resources and increased possibilities. 

When I answer the question, “What would you NEED to make that happen?” I end up with options and resources that could help me get closer to what I really, really want. 

I answer back with things like: 

  • I’d need to know the protocol for taking turns cycling through the hot and cold spaces. Do I need to reserve both at once? Does the front desk manage timing for clients? 
  • I’d need to know what to wear in the transition time and make sure I had those clothing options available. 
  • I’d need to promise myself that even if the front desk gal gets impatient with me and then talks to all the other employees about how clueless I am, I’ll stand by me through it all. I’d need to know that I’m capable of supporting myself in being “bad” at something I’ve never tried before. I’d need to know that I’ll be nice to me as I’m stretching in to an unfamiliar space. I’d need to know that I have friends and family who will laugh with me – even if the front desk gal (who I’ll only ever have to see for a few minutes at a time) isn’t one of them 

As I’m reciting the list, I’m talking myself into it.  

Can’t you just hear how doable all of that sounds? 

I can find out the details I need to know. 

I can plan to support myself and laugh with myself if needed. 

You can too. 

And I’m in to be there to support you through it if you want me to be. 

This is YOUR official invite to join me for my upcoming workshop: 20 seconds of courage. 

Registration opens THIS COMING WEDNESDAY, January 29. 

Here’s how you can get involved: 

Step 1 – if you’re not already on my email list, go to www.candicetoone.com and claim
my free course “how to have the marriage you imagined when you said, I do” 

Step 2 – watch for the registration link to be emailed out on Wed, 1/29

Step 3 – decide how much it’d be worth to you to check things off your bucket
list on the daily (no matter what kind of chaos is going on in your life
and regardless of what kind of mood your family – ahem husband – is in)
Step 4 – invest that amount

  • could be $1, could be $100 – that’s YOUR call
  • you’ll get the same experience in 20 seconds of courage NO MATTER WHAT amount you decide to pitch in
    • NOTE – there are additional bonuses for unlocking when you invest $10+ and $25+ and a special bonus for the biggest investment
    • NOTE – those bonuses are extras, you can participate in the 20 seconds of courage experience without them. Really. They are simply gravy – if you want some extra fun and additional tools. 

Step 5 – keep the thing you like to achieve in your life/marriage – the one you identified
earlier today – handy 

  • check to make sure the thing as specific as possible 
    • “I want to finally plan our son’s graduation trip.” will work better than “I want our family to travel together more.” 
    • reply to this email if you’d like some help dialing your thing in

Step 6 – show up on Friday, 1/31 @ 9a PT/10a MT/11a CT/12noon ET

  • I’ll take care of the rest

Step 7 – plan on doing some homework over the weekend

  • remember, this is 20 seconds of courage. 
  • the whole weekend assignment will take you 10 mins. 15 tops. 

Step 8 – show up again on Monday, 2/3 @ @ 9a PT/10a MT/11a CT/12noon ET

  • plan to celebrate your wins and assess next steps
  • It’ll be like a family reunion (assuming you like hanging out with your family)

And there you have it. 

Everything you need to know about the very first workshop in my very first Pay What You Want coaching experience. 

I’m excited and I hope you are too. 

OH!

Two more things to help you decide whether or not this is the right time and the right experience for YOU. 

FIRST – this experience is NOT for lurkers. 

  • Don’t get me wrong. I love lurkers. I understand why they lurk. I’ve been a lurker plenty of times myself. AND…..
  • This particular experience is for you if you want to actually accomplish something with the concept you’re gonna learn. 
  • This is for YOU if you’re ready to actually develop a skill that you can rinse and repeat for ANY and EVERY goal in your life. 
  • No watching this time please… this class is a DO IT WITH US experience. 
  • If you’re still in your lurking era – stick with the podcast. I love you. 

SECOND – there will be replays AND they’ll be available for a limited time

  • again, this experience is for YOU if you’re ready to DO
  • it helps you 0% to let you leave this workshop sitting in your inbox with all the other things you’re “gonna watch one day” 
  • exactly like it doesn’t work to sit next to a pile of quinoa and nourish your body or watch a Pilates class and tone your quads, it won’t work to watch other people be courageous for 20 seconds at a time and change your life experience
  • because of that – please come with us ONLY if you’re READY TO PLAY 

Alright – I think we’ve covered all the details now. 

In summary – get on my email list RIGHT NOW if you’re ready to be courageous – just 20 seconds at a time – and get yourself even more of the life you really, really want. 

Go to www.candicetoone.com and grab my free course – you’ll immediately get 4 mini lessons on “How to have the marriage you imagined when you said, “I do” PLUS – you’ll be the first to know when registration for 20 seconds of courage opens up on Wednesday. 

We are about to transform your life in the BEST possible way – 20 seconds at a time. 

Thanks for being here in this conversation with me today – I look forward to chatting with you live on Friday if you decide to come along with us for 20 seconds of courage. 

Until then, choose courage, Bee and keep on flying!

Are you ready to have the marriage you imagined when you said “I do”?

Click below to get the FREE course: How to have the marriage you imagined when you said “I do”. You’re worth it and you’re welcome.

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I’m Candice.

I believe that every wife ought to feel cherished and valued. Appreciated and adored. I know we can make that happen. Even if it seems impossible to you. I’m a Master Certified Life Coach and I spend my days coaching women who are afraid in their marriages. You and I can work together to find a way for you to trust in your own decisions instead of constantly reacting to his. Now’s your time, Bee. How much longer are you willing to wonder and wait?